Impregnable!

AF arrived this morning

2012-02-15T09:48:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day I guess...

2012-02-14T12:31:00.000-05:00

I POAS (FRER to be exact) with FMU yesterday @ 9dp3dt. BFN. Meh. Not surprised @ all. I know beta isn't until Thursday (12dp3dt) but I'm officially calling it. Since I have class tonight Vid & I will be celebrating Valentine's Day tomorrow evening with dinner courtesy of a Groupon I bought months ago. I will be drinking a glass of red wine without guilt & am saving room for dessert.

IVF does not stand for "I'm very fertile"

2012-02-09T11:37:00.003-05:00

I went to BJ's Wholesale club to pick up some stuff with my mom. Among the items I purchased is the jumbo pack of Tampax you see above. It's soooo much cheaper to purchase 1 or 2 giant boxes a year @ BJ's rather than a drug store. Plus, I had a BJ's coupon & a manufacturer's coupon (woot!). My mom commented on my purchase since I'm currently in infertile hell (a.k.a. "the 2 week wait") & I had to remind her IVF does stand for "I'm very fertile" so I'd rather be safe than sorry since I only had like 3 tampons left @ home. Still haven't decided if I'm going to pee on things before beta or not.

And now, we wait...

2012-02-04T12:07:00.002-05:00

The Lone Ranger was transfered @ about 10am this morning. Beta is 2/16; not sure if I will pee on something before then. S/he was 7 cells with minimal fragmentation. The RE who did the transfer was the idiot who told me to "just lose weight" & I'd get pregnant. It was kind of vindicating to see him again & know he's now aware that it's my shitty ovaries that don't make eggs which have been the problem & not my love of carbs. He gave us the petri dish where TLR came into being. Hopefully we can put that in a baby book this fall.

1

2012-02-03T16:40:00.002-05:00

Of the 5 egss that were retrieved, 2 were mature & 1 fertilized. One. Uno. Une. Onnu. Dhaya. Uma. Wahed. Ek. Ichi.

*sigh*

So, obviously we have nothing to freeze, which completely freaks me out. I had banked (yeah, I know, stupid) on having a frostie or 2 as a fall back if this didn't work. Now, I don't know what we'll do if this turns out to be a BFFN negative like every other cycle. I suppose we could do another IVF but if we did I would DEMAND a change in protocol. I've been told over & over again "I'm young" so WTF did I respond so poorly? I'm still shocked by how this turned out.

But, we do have 1. And 1 is all it takes, right? God, I hope so. When I called for a status report earlier this afternoon the embryologist said The Lone Ranger was "4 cells & doing exactly what it was supposed to". "Quality over quantity", I keep telling myself. So we'll be going in @ 9am for transfer tomorrow morning & the beginning of 2 weeks of neuroses on my part.

5

2012-02-01T15:48:00.001-05:00

My ER this morning went ok. Well, it went ok as in they were able to easily access my ovaries & I came out of anasthesia just fine. However, out of my 12 follies that measured 16+ as of Monday's u/s, they only got 5 eggs; over half of my follies were empty. I was expecting more eggs obviously, but @ the same time I'm thinking we may have finally answered (in part @ least) why nothing has worked for us so far. I've had 8 IUIs & no BFPs. It is quite possible my "beautiful" follies (2-3 each cycle) probably contained no eggs. Knowledge is power & I've been suspicious of "empty follicle syndrome" for a while to be honest. Of course I was hoping to have something to celebrate on my 4th wedding anniversary, but it is what it is. I'm just hoping we get something to transfer of decent quality. I know it only takes one, but this is not what I expected at all. I've been instructed to start Crinone once a day tomorrow morning (good gooey times!) & call the embryologist for a fert report in the afternoon.

Triggering tonight!

2012-01-30T15:42:00.001-05:00

I will trigger with Ovidrel when I get home from class tonight meaning Wednesday, our 4th anniversary, will be ER day. It better be a happy anniversary! Stay tuned...

Still stimming...

2012-01-28T12:51:00.003-05:00

Update from this morning's appointment: 3 on L measurable: 20, 16 & 14, plus a few under 12. 3 measurable on R: 19 & 2 @ 15, plus a few under 12. I hope the 19 & 20 don't jump the gun so the others can catch up. My E2 went up from 191 to 568. Another 275 of Follistim tonight & I go back in tomorrow morning. It looks like my ER will likely be either Tuesday or Wednesday. February 1st (Wednesday) is also my 4th wedding anniversary so if it ends up being that day, hopefully we'll have something to celebrate with lots of mature eggs that fertilize normally!

IVF #1, monitoring appt #1

2012-01-24T18:06:00.004-05:00

I had my 1st monitoring appt this morning; just the basic bloodwork & ultrasound. There were 8 follies on lefty, 10 on righty, all under 12mm. E2 was 72 after 4 days of stims which is on the low side but from what I've been told this can change pretty quickly. My Lupron dose will remain @ 5 but they are upping my Follistim from 200 to 275. I go back for more monitoring on Thursday. Good times!

Baseline is done!

2012-01-19T15:22:00.004-05:00

I had my baseline bloodwork & ultrasound this morning. When I got there I ran into one of the ladies from my infertility group who is also cycling & will likely be triggering this weekend. We played catch up while waiting to get violated, which was nice.

I got my ultrasound done first. My nurse asked me my name, rank & serial # (well not really, but you know the drill if you're infertile) before quipping "Just wanted to make sure you are who you say you are. Don't want some weirdo just coming in off the street for a transvaginal to get their rocks off." LMAO. I assured her it was really me but was wondering if she was really an RN or just some clerk from the deli @ Stop&Shop; after all, they wear white coats too. She giggled a bit. It's nice to have some levity when dealing with this infertility b.s.

As they say, "All quiet on the Western front" (in my ute & ovaries @ least). So the plan is as follows:

Tomorrow morning I lower my Lupron dose to 5. Then tomorrow night, I start with 200 of Follistim & keep doing the morning Lupron/night Follistim thing until my next bloodwork & ultrasound on the 24th. I asked my nurse what she thought the likelyhood of my ER being the same morning as Vid's citizenship ceremony & she said although there's a chance, it's doubtful based on my history of response to stims; she's thinking more likely it'd be a couple days later. We could freeze a sample I suppose, but I'd rather not have to. I mean, we just forked over $2500 to them this morning, not to mention the $500 for meds on top of that. I knew I should've gambled way more in Vegas...

Some Lupron-inspired haikus

2012-01-15T20:50:00.000-05:00

I.
I'm in bed by 9.
What am I, like 80?
Man, I need some coffee.

>>>

II.
Laughing to myself,
But have not lit up in years.
I guess this is "loopy"!

>>>

III.
Did I pay that bill?
I cannot remember shit.
Oh, look, a squirrel!

Yup, the universe hates me.

2012-01-11T12:20:00.003-05:00

I made Vid's appt for this morning 2 months ago since I knew we would be cycling after the 1st of the year & it takes that long to get into the MFI guru's place @ the hospital. He checked in & they told him they had NO RECORD OF THE APPT. WTF? I have a text dated November 18th to Vid stating I had made him the appt for today. They told him they could put him on the cancellation list but the soonest they had was a cancellation on 1/31, the tentative day of my ER. He called me in a panic & I told him to call my RE & have them see what they can do. We're not super duper MFI but his motility has been on a steady downward slide over the past 2 years. I hope this doesn't push our cycle back; I may loose it. FML.

The month ahead

2012-01-08T20:35:00.001-05:00

So here's what's going to be happening in my nether regions over the next month or so:

1/10: start Lupron (10 units daily)
1/14: take my last BCP
1/19: baseline ultrasound & bloodwork
1/20: start Follistim (200 units daily)
1/31: estimated ER (+ or - 5 days on either end depending on response to stims, etc.)
Most likely a 3 day transfer of 1 or 2 embryos thereafter depending on quality & quantity

Wrench in the plans: husband is becoming a US citizen on the morning of January 28, which falls right in the range of possible ER/ET dates. We literally just found out about this 2 days ago when we came home from vacation to a letter stating such. Of course, we can't reschedule either Vid's swearing in: the US gov't is not flexible like that; huge surprise. ER/ET is also not something we have the power to reschedule, which all infertiles know but other people don't, as I had to explain to my parents. But thankfully, his swearing in is @ 9am so if the universe really does hate me as much as I think it does that will mean we speed from that to the RE's office should both events fall on the same date.

At this time next month, we will likely know if this worked or not. I'm so hopeful but so frightened. This cycle has been a long time coming & now that it's finally here, I feel like I want to throw up. I've never been so nervous in my life!

Goodbye, 2011

2011-12-28T17:42:00.001-05:00

Yes, I know 2011 isn't officially over for another 3 days but this will likely be my last blog post of this year as we are flying out in the wee hours of New Year's Day on a much needed vacation that has been postponed for one reason or another since the early summer. The weather looks to actually be cooperating for our departure which is good since I have been convinced we'd get a blizzard this week which would screw up my plans because the universe appears to hate me like that.

Instead, I've had what's either the flu or a very, very bad cold since Christmas Eve night. I went to the doctor & got prescription strength cough medicine with codeine yesterday so I've actually been able to sleep (cat nap, really) for most of last night & today instead of hacking up every shade of green in the Sherwin-Williams paint catalogue. I am really hoping to go back to work tomorrow as I had planned on using this week as a catch up week so I won't want to kill myself when I get back from a week off & jump into stims & monitoring for IVF. I had banked a good amount of sick time in anticipation of using it for ER & ET, plus some insurance days if I had any IVF-related issues, but this illness means I now have 3 less days to work with. Hopefully I won't need tons of time off & all will go smoothly, but given my track record, I find that hard to believe.

Christmas itself was rather painless. I used my being sick as a "get out of jail free" card for my great aunt's annual holiday open house on Monday night. I was not in the mood to deal with my cousin's pregnant special needs girlfriend (click here to refresh your memory) or his sister who is also pregnant (of course). The only thing that really stung on Christmas Day itself was my aunt who gave my sister an ornament of a clay couple with the woman holding a pregnant belly with a "?" on it. Baby's 1st Christmas: something else I may never get to experience. Maybe I'll just slap a bow on an empty vial of Lupron to hang from the tree for next year. If there is a Christmas next year @ all, what with the Mayans predicting the end of the world. ;P

Yee haw!

2011-12-23T09:55:00.000-05:00

AF showed in the wee hours of Thursday morning, right on schedule. I started my 3 weeks of BCPs last night. So I guess IVF #1 (which better be the only one I ever have to experience) is officially underway! Hopefully this will be my last ride on the cotton pony for @ least 9 months!

Oh, to have this problem!

2011-12-20T22:39:00.000-05:00

Meet Gemma Potter, 23, Pregnant Seven Times In Five Years, Despite Using Contraception :

Gemma Potter, a 23-year-old mom of three says she has tried every form of contraception: the Pill, condoms, the coil, progestogen injections, an implant... But, despite these precautions, she and husband Glenn, 27, can't stop getting pregnant. They are expecting another baby now, and this is her seventh pregnancy in five years (she's had two miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy).

May I be so bold as to suggest her husband get a vasectomy?And you gotta love the spin on her "problem":At this point, the silver lining on her extreme fertility is that she may be able to help other people become parents: "If I keep having children and it gets to the stage that I can't afford them any more I would consider surrogacy," she said.

Except that she has a history of miscarriage & ectopic pregnancy which would likely exclude her from being a surrogate. I wouldn't wish those experiences on anyone, but really? Have a clue before you open your mouth. Oh, and being a surrogate means you also have to have the ability to NOT GET PREGNANT @ the drop of a hat so you can, you know, carry a baby for someone else; this seems to have been a major issue for her.

Ah fertile problems. Very much like 1st world problems, don't you think? ;)

Permanently etched on my body

2011-12-17T17:14:00.003-05:00

I got tattoo # 8 today. It's a pomegranate. Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those of us dealing with infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in color and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our individual diagnosis/diagnoses is unique, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, fear, anger, depression, guilt, loneliness & so many other emotions. Compounding these is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence. But I will not be silent. Infertility has been permanently etched on my body for the whole world to see.

The 12 Infertile Days of Christmas

2011-12-13T22:53:00.003-05:00

12 cycles (or more) of trying

11 pregnant people blocked on Facebook

10 days of Follistim

9 days of waiting til beta

8 sleepless nights

7 mood swings

6 vials of PIO

5 day transfer of embryos

4 transvaginal ultrasounds

3 semen samples

2 HSGs

1 elusive BFP

Like birthing an elephant (or 2)

2011-12-07T13:38:00.003-05:00

There was a framed picture of an elephant mom & calf in the room where I had my latest HSG (needed to update testing before starting IVF later this month) @ the RE's. I love elephants; the babies are so cute! They suck their trunks like human babies suck their thumbs:

Outside of rhinos, elephants have the longest gestation period of any animal on earth, even longer than whales! The pregnancy or gestation period of female Asian elephants is about 21 months (1 year, 9 month). Since this month marks 3.5 years of TTC for me, I can now say we've been trying to have a bay for as long as it takes to birth 2 elephants. What a wonderful realizaiton. If/when we get pregnant, 9 months will be like NOTHING!

More infertile nightmares

2011-12-05T19:37:00.002-05:00

In the past I've posted about nightmares I've had of being kidnapped & forced to attend baby showers for my cousin who got pregnant on her honeymoon. Well, they're baaaack! This time, though, they're about my upcoming IVF.

This past week, I have had 2 of them. In the first, I go to my egg retrieval & when I wake up they tell me none of my eggs were mature. In the second, none of my eggs fertilize, even with ICSI.

Clearly it's time for a med adjustment. Or a vacation.

Trying to be thankful

2011-11-28T19:09:00.002-05:00

AF showed right on schedule: Thanksgiving. So, I called to make my SHG appt: the procedure is scheduled for this coming Friday; what a fun way to spend my lunch hour! I went on Saturday to get my CD3 bloodwork & will go back on CD21 to check ovulation & hormone levels.

Was I thankful to get my period? Not really. But I am thankful for:

1. I am thankful (I guess) that I have a predictable cycle so I don't often ruin undies.
2. I'm thankful Vid's insurance pays for 80% of the crap I've had to go through trying to get pregnant.
3. I'm thankful my work offers a flexible medical account (a.k.a. "the baby fund") so paying for IVF isn't as daunting as it would otherwise be.
4. I'm thankful my job, although incredibly stressful & poorly paid, gives me some flexibility when it comes to coming in late or leaving early for RE appts.
5. I'm thankful that even with horrible traffic my RE's office is only a 20 minute drive from work.
6. I'm thankful my sister is not rubbing her pregnancy in my face & is so far still very much "herself" personality-wise.
7. I'm thankful to have a therapist who specializes in infertility because as a therapist myself, I can tell you unless you've been through IF (as she has) you have no business treating someone dealing with it, no matter how good your training supposedly is.
8. I am thankful for my dog & cat who are snuggling next to me on the couch as I write this.
9. I am thankful for my husband. Although I often threaten to kill him, the truth is I can't imagine going through all of this with anyone else.
10. I'm thankful for the interwebs: for the folks who've reached out on my blog, for the blogs I've read that have touched me & the support of other infertiles on the message boards I frequent.

It's the most wonderful time of the year (or is it?)

2011-11-22T16:01:00.003-05:00

In case you live under a rock, you're aware the holidays are now upon us. Ugh. We are skipping Thanksgiving completely this year. I already planned on laying low since Vid just had surgery this morning. So, we have a built in excuse, which is a good thing since my sister just told us she’s pregnant & I'm sure all the extended family will be congratulating her while I will likely be "riding the cotton pony". Chinese takeout & wine sounds like a possibility! Not sure about Christmas yet; we'll be local since we're going on vacation the 1st week of January. We'll see how it goes.

Since I took today as a personal day to play nurse maid to my dear hubby I had several hours to kill when he was knocked out. Since we live all of 20 mins from the hospital I went home & did some housework. While doing laundry, I ordered our holiday cards using a Living Social deal I bought last month. I had my mom come over & take photos of us with the pets last week; getting the dog & cat to look @ the camera @ the same time is probably as challenging as getting kids to do the same. Not that I'd know anything about that, right?

Don't get me wrong: I love, love, love my pets. I refer to my dog as "my 1st born"; they are most definitely family. But this is the 4th Christmas card we've sent out since starting TTC & there's still no human bundle(s) of joy smiling along with us. I actually debated sending out cards @ all this year, but then I thought: either with or without kids, we're family. Are we not worthy of sending out cards? And who doesn't smile when they see a cute little doggie or kitty?

Game plan

2011-11-18T18:51:00.004-05:00

Even though neither of us slept well last night due to my sister's news, Vid & I managed to make it to our appt this morning with RE #3 today, henceforth known as Dr. W. She seems nice enough & I love the nurse we'll be working with who, when I told her about my sister, quipped, "Of course she'd tell you the day before an IVF consult, right?"; I chuckled a bit.

Anywho, the plan for me: when Aunt Flo comes to town (due on or about Thanksgiving) I go in for CD3 bloodwork & have another HSG somewhere between CD 5-12. She also wants me to chart (going back old school) so she can do some additional bloodwork later in my cycle to see if I'm a "weak" ovulator. She agrees with RE #2 that I likely have some sort of egg quality issue or perhaps empty follicle syndrome. Although my FSH has risen a bit from when we started TTC 3.5 years ago, I'm not in the scary zone. Still, when I had it tested almost a year ago it was 14, so it's worth looking into. Hey, at this point what's another vial of blood?

The plan for Vid: repeat SA which has been scheduled for 12/16 as he is having umbilical hernia surgery next week & needs a few weeks to recuperate. His last real SA was in 12/10 but they also looked @ the lab reports from our Hail Mary IUI this past spring. There appears to be a downward trend in motility over the past several years which I was unaware of. Dr. W is thinking although his count is ok it still could be affecting things so she's going to set up an appt with the reproductive uro in addition to just doing an SA in case it's continued to get worse.

What we're doing for the IVF cycle: since next cycle is all repeat testing, I will start my BCPs 2 cycles from now, meaning likely the week before Christmas. We will be ICSI'ing all of my eggs given our issues. Dr. W plans on doing your standard long Lupron protocol, which means beta will be somewhere in the early February range. Happy anniversary to us? We shall see.

Total cost to us: roughly $3000, or a month's pay for me. And we're lucky it's only that much because we have 80% coverage. I want to throw up just thinking about the fact I could be out $3k & have nothing to show for it since success rate for people in our category are on the 45% range. Not horrible but sometimes I think we'd be better off using it to wipe our asses. It's just so hard to be positive when all you've ever seen is negatives.

Dear universe: FUCK YOU!

2011-11-17T17:25:00.002-05:00

My sister is pregnant. My sister, who is 4.5 years younger than I am, is pregnant. My sister, who just got married in July (4 months ago) is 9 weeks pregnant. My sister, who wasn't even trying, is pregnant. My sister, who I should be happy for but am not, is pregnant.

There's not enough Zoloft in the world right now.

I'm looking @ you, J-Lo!

2011-11-15T20:46:00.002-05:00

A fellow infertile on a board I frequent posted a link to a story from The Today Show on the myth that getting pregnant is easy for women over 40 because of celebrities who aren't open about their struggles (I'm looking @ you, J-Lo!).

Even though I'm not in the over 40 club yet, this quote had me nodding my head in total agreement:

In a country where sex education focuses primarily on avoiding pregnancy and preventing sexually transmitted diseases, most women believe that having a baby is inevitably easy.

But that neglects the reality that infertility affects some 7.3 million women in the United States, or 12 percent of the child-bearing female population, and about 1 in 8 couples, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. After about age 35, fertility plummets, Schoolcraft said.

So when women decide they want to get pregnant and can’t, they’re stunned. Some of the shock is because of advances in health and beauty that allow women to look — and feel — younger, even as their reproductive systems march on.

True dat. And this is something I said even before dealing with infertility: women don't know how their own bodies work. Clearly sex ed in the US is a miserable failure if you look @ our teen pregnancy rate versus most of the rest of the 1rst world. Ironically, the country with the lowest unplanned pregnancy rate & lowest STD rates happens to be The Netherlands, which also has legalized prostitution & marijuana.

I'm what most would call a Libertarian politically & it aggravates me to no end when people get all "ZOMG where r ur morals?!?!?11?!? about my thinking that we need more & better sex ed in schools. I'm sorry, but sex encompasses so many scientific disciplines: biology, chemistry, psychology. Knowledge is power. And J-Lo is a liar (sorry, but I REALLY don't like her).

Let's talk about (infertile) sex

2011-11-13T21:27:00.003-05:00

Despite this blog being 99.99% about my long, winding journey towards successful conception, I don't think I've ever had a frank sex talk on here. Granted, if you're reading this chances are you too are dealing with infertility so don't worry: I won't try to teach you about the "birds & the bees" or insinuate that perhaps you"re "doing it wrong". Rather, I'm wanting to know how other infertile couples deal with issues surrounding sex in the relationship.

Back story: Much to the chagrin of our parents no doubt, Vid & I did not wait til we we married to do the deed. Vid was a stereotypical Indian male grad student when we met (meaning: had barely kissed a girl) & I was his first, or as he says "You took away my innocence". LOL. Anyways, it's not like I was a wild child by any means; my husband's actually the only man I've ever had sex with sans condom. And we didn't even go sans condom until after we were engaged. So we were doubling up (condoms & BCPs) because even though we both wanted children relatively quickly after marriage, we did not want to deal with the possibility of shaming his parents back in India with a bastard child (his words, not mine).

Vid & I started TTC not long after we were married. I went off BCPs, started charting & was pleasantly surprised that I had a very predictable menstrual cycle. Knowing it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive I told myself as long as I was pregnant by my 30th birthday (then about 10 months away) I would not make myself nuts. In the meantime, we had sex when I was fertile according to the OPKs & whenever the mood struck us.

Then, I turned 30. And I started freaking out. I began turning into what Vid termed an "intercourse Nazi", making him have sex multiple times in a day. You'd think a woman that demanding in bed would be any guy's dream but the reality was sex was becoming more of a chore than a fun thing we got to do as a couple. Poor Vid ended up with performance anxiety a few times & I ended up hating myself for turning into "that woman".

And just after we hit the year mark of TTC, a miracle occurred. Or so we thought. I got a positive pregnancy test. It was on a Saturday morning, the weekend before Father's Day. I remember Vid asking me "What is that?" & me wanting to smack him because wasn't it obvious? We were pregnant!

I planned on calling my PCP on Monday morning. Ah, those were the days: when I had only 1 doctor looking @ my lady garden, & then only once a year for a routine check up. Those were the days! But I never got to make that call on Monday. In the wee hours of Monday morning I woke up from a sound sleep to the most horrible cramps ever. I went to the bathroom & saw bright red blood. It was over before it had even began. And so along with the pair of ruined underwear I also threw out my cutesy plan of telling my parents with a "Happy Father's Day, Grandpa" card the following weekend.

The following month we had our first visit with an RE & Vid was referred to a uro for a work up as well. My husband is not the greatest with medical procedures: I have to hold his hand when he gets bloodwork done as he starts sweating & you can see his color drain; he's Dravidian & therefore pretty dark skinned so it's quite amazing to watch. Anyways, much to his chagrin he also had to "do it in a cup", but his "guys" (I love his way of looking @ things) were ok. On my end, I was found to have borderline IR & some borderline PCOS bloodwork but then again my cycles were super normal & besides obesity I didn't fit the PCOS profile.

An answer! Yeah, no. But @ least now we were doing fertility treatments so surely we'd get pregnant soon. When we started doing IUIs we kind of laid off (ha! very punny!) the sex for a bit. It's not like we weren't having it, but it certainly wasn't as often as before. About once a week, plus the day after an IUI for extra insurance.

After a half dozen IUIs leading to no pregnancy I begged, pleaded & practically cried for an exploratory lap. Besides a wee bit hanging out behind my left fallopian tube, no endo was to be found. At this point, I was *this close* to checking myself into a padded room. And I was pretty much an ice queen when it came to sex. Vid didn't say anything but I'm sure it bothered him. I felt bad about it because I obviously love my husband, but I just felt like such a failure as a wife that I could not give my husband a child even with medical intervention, so why bother trying anymore?

Fast forward a year & another 2 failed IUIs & here we are: once Vid has his surgery later this month & heals up, we're heading into IVF-ville. We had a period of time earlier this year that we didn't have sex for about 3 months between having to deal with my mom-in-law in India & Vid's hernia issue. We survived so I guess I know we can make it should we ever have the pleasure actually having a baby & needing to abstain post-partum for a long period of time.

Right now we're getting busy a couple times a month. Not great but not horrible I guess. I could use the excuse of our schedules being incredibly out of synch & I would not be lying since we both work full time & are in grad school as well. Some nights Vid doesn't get home til after 10 & some nights I don't. On those nights, I just want to shower & go to bed.

The funny thing is even though we aren't having sex as often as we probably should according to most, I don't feel deprived of love. We do have "snuggle time" several times a week where we set the alarm 15 minutes or so early & just lie together in bed, snuggled tight.

Still, I can't help but wonder "what if". What if we could get pregnant by just having sex? Would we look @ sex in the same way? Sex is now a disappointment, not in that I don't enjoy it with my husband (I do) but in that I know it will never make me a mom. I no longer associate it with procreation. I don't worry about avoiding my fertile times if we didn't want to be pregnant because I could hump day & night & never again see 2 pink lines. I will never have to worry about having Irish twins; at this point I'd welcome them!

But the reality is we're likely 1 & done @ this point. If IVF works & we end up with twins (BOGO free) that'd be awesome. And yes, I am aware of the risks that come with multiples, but having a guaranteed sibling would be great. I know many only children end up perfectly fine socially but I feel like I'm denying my kid (if I ever have one) this experience. If I had any frozen embies I'd try to use them but I'm not counting on anything anymore. I'd like to count on us having a more "normal" (regular?) sex life but maybe the damage has already been done. Something else to bring up in therapy perhaps? What say you?

Thought You'd Be Here By Now

2011-11-04T18:09:00.001-04:00

Found this randomly while looking for another song (not about infertility) with a similar title; beautiful:

On All Souls' Day

2011-11-02T20:23:00.002-04:00

Today is All Souls' Day. For the non-Catholics reading this, it's basically a day where we remember those who have died in the past year. As I sing in choir, I went to Mass this evening. Granted I'm not the most observant Catholic (though I go to Mass most every week I was not married in the church & am soon to be undergoing IVF among other things) I absolutely believe in an afterlife. During All Souls' Day Mass, it is common practice to read the names of all parishioners who have died in the past year. Additionally, we ask for the intercession of God during the Prayers of the Faithful. These are usually written by the priest or requested by a parishioner. Tonight, one of the prayers was this:

"For all the children who have been miscarried, stillborn or aborted, their parents, & for those experiencing the pain of childlessness."

I almost lost it. In all the years I've gone to Mass or services @ another Christian denomination I've never heard anyone utter a public prayer for those experiencing loss & infertility. Granted, there are numerous examples of childless or infertile women in the Bible but I've never heard a priest offer any opinion on this issue at all. I'd love to know if Father came up with this prayer himself, or if someone requested it. Regardless, it was nice to be remember when so often I feel forgotten.

Resolve of the Bay State's "Infertility Is" Blog Contest Entry

2011-10-28T20:16:00.017-04:00

This post is part of the Infertility Is Blog Contest sponsored by RESOLVE of New England. You can find links to all of the submissions online at their website. For more information about RESOLVE of New England, like them on Facebook or follow them on Twitter.

Infertility is...

Hoping cycle after cycle to see this:

But only getting this:

Infertility is...

Spending all your money on this:

Which means you can't afford to buy one of these:

Infertility is...

Finding another one of these in your mailbox (from someone who got married 2 years after you):

And wishing you could send out one of these (because infertility is expensive):

Infertility is...

Having to make another trip to "infertile hell" (a.k.a. Babies R Us) & being greeted by a sign like this:

And thinking with all the bloating you're experiencing from the meds you're on they really should have one of these instead:

Infertility is...

Wanting to hide @ the holidays because of cards like this:

And having to stop yourself from sending out a card like this in reply:

But infertility is also...

That we may eventually see:

And get to experience this:

And finally take home one of these (who looks JUST like my husband!):

But above all, infertility IS NOT going to win!

Group therapy wrap up

2011-10-26T21:03:00.003-04:00

My infertility therapy group has ended. Can you believe it? 10 sessions over 4 months gone just like that. I have mixed feelings about it, which I actually told my 1-on-1 therapist about in session this week.

While it was nice to be among infertiles IRL, it was also challenging. We all shared many of the same hopes & fears so there was a good sense of comradery. It was also nice to have some guest speakers who have gone through both the process of adoption & egg donation; I feel I learned a lot from them & neither sound quite as overwhelming as before, though I'm still not really interested in pursing donor egg on a personal level.

But, as I told my therapist, I think it would've been more appropriate to have the group as a whole of women who were not actively cycling. Or maybe I should've waited on doing a group until I was doing IVF, which at this point looks to be after the 1st of year as Vid's surgery has been scheduled for the week of Thanksgiving & he's been told there's about a 4 week window to heal, which brings us to the 1st week of January when we'll be on a much needed vacation.

Of the 12 women in the group, half were pregnant by the end. As one of my fellow barren group members remarked, "We're a very fertile group of infertiles." I'd be lying if I didn't say there was a bit of jealousy on my end. At this point I'm getting lapped by some of my infertile friends who are doing subsequent IUIs, IVFs, of FETs to add more children to their families. And I feel bad about feeling sorry for myself because I don't think infertility is a "pissing contest". By that I mean I think we should all be supportive of others' individual journeys without focusing on the # of years we've been battling IF or how many IUI, IVF, or FET cycles we've failed as individuals. You could even argue I should shut my mouth since I haven't even done IVF yet. Hindsight's 20/20: I probably should've just done IVF back in the spring instead of a "Hail Mary" IUI.

Of the 6 pregnant women, 3 were from IVF, 1 from an IUI & 2 were from good old fashioned sex. 1 of the 2 sex women wasn't infertile in that she couldn't get pregnant, but she'd had a hell of a time staying pregnant, having experienced 4 losses. I can't imagine going through so many losses; I'm glad it finally looks like she might get her take home baby. The 2nd pregnant by sex woman was, IMHO, an absolute miracle: she got pregnant on her own the cycle after her 3rd failed IVF. I told her she's now an "infertile urban legend"; you know, the woman in the story we all hear about who gets pregnant when she "just relaxes". This lady got pregnant the night of a friend's wedding after several adult beverages, LOL!

At the end of our last session we talked about how we wanted to stay in touch (or not) now that the group was over. It's was an interesting mix, with all of the pregnant ladies wanting to be in touch as a group & 2 of the 6 not pregnant ladies saying the same (myself included). And I can understand the other 4 not being in a place where they want to talk to yet another group of women who are pregnant when no doubt in their own lives outside of group they are undoubtedly constantly reminded of what they don't have. It would've been easy for me to say the same, but again, I feel a duty to both pregnant & non-pregnant group members to be as supportive of them in their journey as I possibly can be, because I know I will need it as we inch ever closer to IVF.

My personal truth about "trying"

2011-10-19T22:42:00.002-04:00

An infertile interwebs friend posted today on a message board I frequent about Redbook magazine's "No Shame Campaign" for infertility called "The Truth About Trying". They have videos of celebrities sharing their experiences with infertility:

And they invite us non-famous infertiles to contribute as well:

If you're a fellow infertile reading this, I'd encourage you to submit your story as well!

Cancer sucks yet again

2011-10-17T21:28:00.002-04:00

Though I'm not what you'd term a "Giuliana fan", I was saddened to learn that Giuliana Rancic has breast cancer. Numerous women I am interwebs friends with posted about it on Facebook which is how I found out. Although I've never even seen an episode of The Bachelor & only a handful of episodes of Giuliana & Bill I do appreciate their openness about their infertility as well as the challenges & disappointments involved in going through treatment.

I don't even know the woman but I feel serious sympathy for her. Chalk it up to the common experience of infertility sucking no matter if you're famous or not, I guess. It's not enough she's gone through 2 IVFs & a miscarriage, now she has to deal with breast cancer in her 30s. Thank God her doctor recommended she get a mammogram before her next tx; it may have very well saved her life. But at the same time, this recommendation makes me wonder why he thought it was a good idea, given she has no family hx of breast cancer (according to what I've read) & she's under 40. I know a lot of women who have gone through IVF, ranging in age from early 20s to early 40s & NONE of them have been told to get a mammo before a cycle.

I hope she & her husband have a talk about how to preserve any fertility she may have before she undergoes cancer tx. I have no idea what she's going to have to do (chemo, radiation, etc.) but that would be one of my first thoughts if I were in her shoes right now. Or maybe they will move onto adoption? I know she & her husband were discussing that as well.

But what's also on my mind now more than ever is what affects do pumping super doses of hormones cycle after cycle have on our bodies? I mean, I know the vast majority of REs say there's no evidence that infertility tx increase your cancer risk. But can they really say that when IVF has only been around for 30-odd years? Are certain protocols or med combos riskier & maybe we don't know it yet? If I were being honest I'd say I've been uneasy about this thought from the 1st time I took Clomid over 2 years ago.

Do I want a child? Yes. Would I willingly increase my risk of a disease to carry one? Honestly? No. Maybe some women would, but not me. I know nothing is ever guaranteed, but I'd like to think I'll be around to see my children have children. And I can do that via adoption just as easily as I can via IVF. But someone thinks his sperm is super special, therefore we aren't @ that bridge yet. So I guess I'll have to give IVF a shot (or 2) & hope it doesn't kill me later.

Infertility as art

2011-10-12T21:23:00.004-04:00

Did you hear about the Brooklyn woman whose latest installation is her giving birth in an art gallery? Having been present at numerous births, both in the US and in Africa, & in hospital & non-medical settings, I can truly say birth is a beautiful thing. And as an infertile, it's something I know I may never personally experience. The thought of going through that much pain only to have the anguish turn into instant love the moment you see your child must be remarkable.

So why not have infertility performance art? I've got a great idea for an installation I call "2 week wait". It'd start with an embryo transfer, or perhaps an IUI. Then the subject of the installation waits in a glass enclosure for 2 weeks to see if she's pregnant. In the meantime she Googles anything that resembles a possible pregnancy symptom, does window shopping online for baby items & generally loses her mind while visitors give her stupid advice such as "just relax". It ends with her peeing on a stick.

If anyone out there reading this has an "in" with an art gallery, drop me an e-mail ; I'd seriously consider doing something like this. Not sure how my husband would feel though. :)

Peapod (versus A Pea in the Pod)

2011-10-08T17:30:00.002-04:00

This morning my mom & I went to our weekly Weight Watchers meeting. One the way home, we both had to grab a few things @ the grocery store so we went to Stop & Shop. BIG. FREAKING. MISTAKE.

Coming out of the store we ran into my cousin & his special needs girlfriend. Now, I am not making fun of her in any way, but the fact is she is special needs. I don't know her exact diagnosis but it's very clear she is at least mildly MR. This cousin (actually my dad's cousin's son; we're 6 weeks apart & basically grew up together) is not special needs, btw. The girlfriend seems perfectly nice, but I've always found it odd that they were together.

I have no idea how they met but they have been together for a while now. Thinking back, my intro to his girlfriend was @ his sister's baby shower about 3 years ago. Of course, his sister was unemployed & unmarried @ the time & said shower was held @ the gun club where her father is a member. Nothing says "welcome to the world, sweet little infant" quite like dead animals mounted on walls with pink streamers hanging from their antlers. But I digress.

Being nice, we make small talk with them. Stupid me asks what's new & I am informed by my cousin that they are getting married next month. Oh how nice! And then his girlfriend pipes up & tells me she is 12 weeks pregnant while patting her slightly distended belly. Oh, and it was a surprise. Of course.

I froze.

My mom, seeing the complete terror in my eyes, thankfully took over the conversation @ this point & asked my cousin about his dad's job search since when we last saw him @ my sister's wedding a few months ago he had been recently laid off. I began loading our bags into the trunk & started the car. I could not drive out of there fast enough.

I may have to start using PeaPod after this. But with my luck the delivery person will be 8 months pregnant with twins & want to show me ultrasound pictures while suggesting I should go on vacation & relax in order to get pregnant.

Apples, pumpkins & other produce

2011-10-03T17:25:00.002-04:00

Fall was (is?) my favorite season. I love to see the leaves changing colors here in New England. I love that it brings the start of both American football & ice hockey seasons. I love the cooler temperatures. And I love all the flowers & grasses dying (I have really bad allergies).

I also love going apple & pumpkin picking. It's something we've done every year since I can remember. Since Vid has come into the family he's gotten into the tradition too, although I try to tell him "sampling" is not allowed:

This year, we did not go.

I couldn't do it. Too many friends posting on Facebook about which orchard they were bringing their kids to, or sharing photos of little Mary (or whoever) dressed as a pumpkin sitting next to one looking all cute & such with her vegetable twin. I knew the orchards & fields would be filled with happy little families, yet another reminder of what I may never have. Not to mention all the pregnant bellies the size of pumpkins I'd have to witness. So, I saved myself yet another a cathartic cry in a port-a-potty @ the farm & stayed home.

Think there's a "pick-your-own broccoli" place out there for us infertiles? Surely no child in their right mind would want to pick that!

Notice anything different?

2011-09-29T12:03:00.003-04:00

I decided to rename the blog because, well, the original name is based on a dx that appears now to not actually reflect my problem. Are my ovaries "pretty crappy"? Yes, but with bging just on the border of being labled PCOS based on my bloodwork (FSHN & LH levels being flipped) I've been feeling kind of weird lately with the label of PCOS. Especially the more I talk to my fellow infertiles who have all the classic sx that I do not have. And I don't want to misrepresent myself as a PCOS "sufferer" (I've gotten several e-mails asking for my advice/experiences) when I can't speak from experience about abnormally long cycles, being annovulatory, etc.

At the same time, even the new name assumes that there is an actual issue with my eggs. My RE is recommending ICSI when we do IVF because she is just stumped why an otherwise healthy 32 year old can't get pregnant with an apparently great response to stims each & every time. Are my eggs impenetrable by sperm (hard boiled)? Are they so fragmented nothing can be done? Do I have "empty follicle syndrome" (where I have plump, juicy follies on the ultrasound that are full of fluid but no eggs)? Only doing IVF will tell. As weird as it sounds, I kind of hope it's 1 of those 3 so we know WTF has been our problem.

I'm so ready to do IVF. Of course, we can't til Vid gets his umbilical hernia surgery. His consult is late next week; no idea how far in advance they need to schedule it. But I know the "down time" will likely be several weeks. Honestly, we've been on "down time" (no sex/strenuous activity) since we went to India due to no provacy & then since coming back because he's in pain & I'd rather not explain to the 911 operator what happened if we did get frisky & something went wrong.

I just want to get it (IVF)done & over with. In my negative little mind I have little to no hope of it working; nothing has so far so why would this be any different? You know you've been in this game too long when you get jealous of people who only have to do "a few IUIs" to get pregnant. And then there's the whole "if I get pregnant will I stay pregnant" question. I guess we'll cross that bridge when (if?) we come to it.

Like, way wanted.

2011-09-23T19:30:00.003-04:00

I stumbled upon this cartoon on the internet:

It got me thinking: I wonder what would happen if babies talked about how they were conceived?

"I was the product of a one night stand; I don't know who my dad is."
"My mom & dad just went on their honeymoon & came back with me as a souvenir."
"My parents made the decision to try for a baby & a few months later, I came to be."

Or in my case (hopefully):

"My parents went through 3 (or more?) years of infertility. My mom had lots of people taking pictures of her privates & took lots of medications. Mom & dad spent lots on money on things that didn't work. Mom cried A LOT. I'm a miracle. Like, way wanted."

KILL ME NOW.

2011-09-20T15:38:00.003-04:00

Meet one of our new referals:

SWF. Age: early 20s. On SSI. Severe substance as well as psych issues. Already has 2 kids she does not have cutstody of but has visitation rights. 6 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH TRIPLETS. Yes, I am yelling. Oh & since she was drinking heavily @ the time they conceived, she has no clue who the father is.

I know you're not supposed to question God, but seriously? DEAR GOD: WHAT THE EFF WERE YOU THINKING ON THIS ONE? The only good thing: my supervisor knows enough not to refer her to me for therapy.

I am done. So very, very done.

"My Infertility Is Ruining Our Marriage"

2011-09-16T15:26:00.005-04:00

Well, not exactly "ruining", though I'd be lying if I didn't admit more than half of our arguments (knock down, drag out fights on occasion) are based around our struggles to conceive. Below is a long (but IMHO, useful) e-mail exchange between myself & one of the other women in my infertility therapy group. D. is a true vet who has been TTC for well over 5 years & has had multiple failed IVFs. I consider her sharing this info & her input on what Vid & I are going through to be quite helpful. Here ya go:

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Hi A.,

I was at the hair dresser today and there was an article in a magazine about a couple experiencing infertility and what they did to resolve it. I was thinking of you....I wished I could have ripped out the article and given it to you, but I felt funny doing that. They were a bit older than you...wife was 37, husband was 35, but there were some similarities to your situation. They could not agree on a path forward. The wife was told she had DOR and that donor eggs were the only option. She didn't like that option (she was fearful of IVF and didn't like the idea of donor) but was open to adoption. She was Indian. She felt that if they were to dish out over 20K for donor, she'd rather go forward with adoption since there was almost a guarantee to get a baby in the end. Her husband, American, wanted to do IVF with donor so he could have a biological connection. He was stubborn. They both weren't budging. He thought he couldn't love an adopted child like "his own" and that there are a lot of stories of adoptive children having problems.

They ended up going to counseling for over 9 months. During this time, the counselor made them face their behavioral issues (her being too emotional, him being too angry and flippant), then moved onto asking them all the pros and cons of both options as well as how they would feel about various aspects of each choice, focusing on the bad and good of each aspect, ie: what were here concerns over ivf, over donor, how would she feel about carrying a child not of her biological makeup, how she felt about having a baby that did or didn't look like her (being she was Indian) how would she feel if it didn't work out, financial aspects, what they were willing to accept on the adoption front, why he felt he wouldn't love an adoptive child as much as biological, were his concerns over adoption real of just based on fear....you get the picture. But it was a bi-weekly or monthly meeting where they got together with this counselor and she would ask different questions to ponder and they'd discuss them in the next meeting, having had enough time to think about it (when they wanted, not a forced time based time).

They ultimately came up with what was the best decision for both...it was trying one cycle of ivf with a donor that was Indian and looked like the wife and if that didn't work out, they'd pursue the adoption path. Well, surprisingly, they found an Indian donor close by (they said it's difficult to find Indian donors), chose her, but then she backed out at the last minute. After this, the husband saw what his wife went through with this disappointment and would put herself through with the process in general. Something clicked within the husband and he was open to considering adoption. They ended up adopting an Indian foster child (I can't recall, but I think it was from India - pretty bad, since I read that only 4 hours ago) and were happy with the choice.

I guess I thought of you because I know you are at an impasse. I felt for you in our last meeting when you expressed your heartfelt feelings about the relationship you have with your mom and if you'd become a mom...and about the impasse you are at with your husband. I haven't read your blog yet, so I don't know how you are doing lately, but I think that with some work, you guys will figure out what is best for you in terms of treatment or adoption. I know it is and has been a long road, but hang in there. Don't forget, it took that couple in the article about a year and a half for them to come to their decision. I think I've expressed how long it took me to move forward with adoption. I have also read several blogs of people who went through infertility and didn't agree with their husbands on a path forward. Sometimes, when they thought their husband wouldn't budge, he did....it just may have taken a while....or they decided to give. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but figured I'd let you know I was thinking of you and hoping that you and your husband can somehow come to an agreement on a best path forward.

-D.

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Here's the article she was refering to. Good God, it's like they're talking about us! My response to D. after reading the article:

*********************************************************************************************

Hi D.!

I asked on Facebook if anyone knew about this article. Lo & behold, a friend posted the link on my page:

Same link as above.

God, that could totally be us. I feel like we're wasting time & money by doing more tx while my hubby is "convinced" they will work. I think it's just because he so desperately wants a child with his genes & his mom's terminal illness has made him even more adament. Not that we can afford egg donation (we're lucky enough to have 80% infertility coverage but freezing & donor are not part of it) but it really doesn't appeal to me anyways.

We've pretty much compromised @ this point that I will be an IVF cycle but that's probably it. And if we're lucky enough to get embies for an FET I'd try with them (freezing is about $500 for the year whcih I will scrimp & save for) because to me, they're my kids & I want to give them a chance @ life. It's not that I'm against IVF or anything, it's just I think my time & finances would be better served by adopting. Egg donation just doens't appeal to me; don't know why. But that's just my opinion.

I've made it very clear to my hubby I am not going to live "child free". Heck, we started TTC just a few months after we got married! I know he wants kids too but I think he's in denial that they may not be ours biologically. And I have a hard time with him pulling the "adopting's not part of my culture" card when he married me, a non-Hindu & non-Tamil & when he eats steak & then proceeds to go to temple. :)

I guess it just comes down to I want closure: I want to stop worrying about "if" I will become a mom & move onto "when" I will become a mom. I know adoption is not easy or quick but by moving on to that I feel like I'd finally be leaving behind the hell of the last 3.5 years. There are so many kids in India who need adopting: perfect little girls abandoned simply because they are girls, kids of both sexes abandoned because of a simple medical condition like cleft palatte that can be fixed with a $500 operation, etc. I want to start the ball rolling before the rules get changed & we cannot adopt from there; I don't want his feet dragging to cost us the chance to parent.

In closing, if you don't mind, I'd like to turn this e-mail exchange into a blog entry. I will of course take away identifying info, but I feel this conversation has been very beneficial to me & may help others out there. Thank you so much for being part of our group; I often think of you as the wise swami up on the mountain top with all you've been through, lol. I know you've called yourself a "veteran" in the past & I really appreciate your knowledge, candor & thoughtfulness. See you next week!

-A.

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Just thought I'd post this here in case any of you on the interwebs may benefit from it. I'd love to hear your thoughts too! :)

LOL @ plans

2011-09-13T21:59:00.002-04:00

This poster was mocking me @ my doctor's last week as I was waiting to be seen:

Do I plan to become pregnant? Why yes, yes I do! I've been planning to get pregnant for over 3 years now, but who's counting? I planned on TTC #2 about now so my kids would be close in age. Ha! Plans.

9/11: 10 years on

2011-09-10T20:12:00.004-04:00

Can you believe it's been 10 years? In the 3 or so years since I started this blog I don't think I've ever wrote about my memories of 9/11. All Americans have unique experiences surrounding this event no doubt; I am no different.

I was actually in Ghana, West Africa when 9/11 happened. I was traveling back from a priest friend's home located about 1.5 hours outside of the capital city, Accra. I had taken a bus & was boarding a tro-tro when the driver informed me "America has been blown up". I just thought he was crazy, but then he tuned the radio to the BBC Africa service & indeed something odd was going on in NYC: a plane had hit one of the World Trade Center towers. "Bummer", I thought, "But accidents happen." As we continued our journey towards Legon, the suburb where the university was located, a second plane hit. Something was up.

Once we reached the university I immediately went to the international students' coordinator's house since I knew she had satellite tv. I arrived just as the first tower fell; I think every American student at the university was crowded into that 10x10 room. People were taking turns on the land line (cell phones weren't common place then like they are now in Africa) trying to get through to family back home. But the phone lines were jammed; nobody could get through. Some of us went to one of the internet cafes on campus. Again, the internet was overwhelmed that day, though we did manage to get access & send e-mails the next day.

I'd been in Ghana about a month at that point. The WTC was pretty much the last glimpse of the US I had as I flew out of JFK (my program had us all meet there & fly together) through Europe & onto Africa. Coming back about 3.5 months after 9/11, it was a completely changed landscape both literally & figuratively.

I have an uncle who's a firefighter in northern NJ; I thought of him as I knew they had called in anyone & everyone in the tri-state area with equipment to help. He spent his spare time over the next several weeks digging through the rubble, finding body parts. There was another student whose dad was a policeman in the city; he died that day. Many students actually returned to the US early, shaken by the experience.

Back home, my dad was working in Boston at the time. They shut down the commuter trains & subways for a time so getting home that day was an absolute nightmare for him & many others. 2 of the 4 planes that day had left from Logan Airport, including a flight one of my dad's brothers frequently took for business trips to LA. Thankfully he wasn't on that flight that day, but the brother of a high school friend was, along with his girlfriend.

I've never talked with my husband about his memories from that day. At the time, we did not know each other; we wouldn't actually meet until almost 5 years later. He had only been in the US a few weeks when 9/11 happened. As a brown-skinned guy, I wonder if he was subjected to any of the anti-Muslim rhetoric that was running rampant then (& to a degree, now) even though he's Hindu. Again, I've never asked him. He's actually flying back from India on 9/11; hopefully he doesn't get a special frisking.

Since getting back from India a week ago the tv has pretty much been nonstop 9/11. We're all a decade older & hopefully wiser. I know back then marriage wasn't even on my radar, let alone children. I just assumed both things would happen in their own time but knew it would be a challenge to find someone who would be accepting of me doing things like, oh, going to Africa. And then we'd get married & make babies & I'd strap my kid to my back like they do in Ghana with a piece of cloth:

I've since been back to Africa a few times. Not with my husband & not recently; this little thing called work gets in the way. Some may say I've traded in Africa for India, but I do hope to get back sooner rather than later. I always planned on dragging my kids around the world with me; I just hope that's still going to happen: not the travel part, but me having kids to tag along.

My unwanted souvenir :(

2011-09-06T13:15:00.002-04:00

Who's got 2 thumbs & food poisoning? This girl right here! Ugh.

I came back from India a little early as MIL is stable & undergoing experimental, last ditch tx; Vid comes back on Monday. After 2 weeks of eating supposedly unsafe street food I had a funny-tasting lunch on my Lufthansa flight from Germany back to the US. Within 2 hours, I was riding the porcelain bus; that was Saturday night. I knew it. The only time I've ever gotten sick in all the developing-world travel I've done was @ a conference in Ghana where something on the hotel buffet made me sick for a week; that was most likely salmonella. Since I'm a vegetarian, it was probably raw meat that dripped on veggies; BARF!

Sunday was awful. I mean, I couldn't even drink water without feeling like I was being tortured. And my 8 lb cat who wanted nothing more than to sit on mommy's tummy & snuggle because he missed me? I was in such pain from ANY pressure on my abdomen I kicked him off.

Monday morning things got even worse so I went to see the doctor. My practice has an on-call doc 7 days a week; it just happened to be her day. She proclaimed I indeed had food poisoning. ***TMI ALERT*** I submitted a stool sample this morning since the labs were closed yesterday due to Labor day (it was more the consistency & color of coffee) & am awaiting the results. Depending on what it is, I may need to go to the hospital, but in the meantime I am on Cipro & have a note to be out of work until at least Thursday.

2011-08-29T12:43:00.002-04:00

So back home on the East Coast there's been much ado about Hurricane Irene. Although it was only a Category 1 @ landfall, there was widespread wind damage, flooding & power outages. My parents have been babysitting the dog & cat; they got power back this morning. My mom called my landlords (the live in the other half of our duplex) & our neighborhood is still without power. I just pray my deep freezer full of food in the basement doesn't go south; the landlord said the electric company was working on restoring power in our neighborhood later today. Where my aunt lives (one of the islands) they're not expecting power to be restored until the weekend. I can't wait for all the surprise BFPs in the coming months & the assault on my infertile senses via Facebook 9 months from now full of newborn pics. Yes, that last remark was meant to be sarcastic; Blogger really needs a font for that.

Shit, shit & more shit (a.k.a. this is getting old!)

2011-08-26T13:56:00.004-04:00

Greetings from India. All is as well as can be hoped for now. Mamayar (mother-in-law in Tamil) is doing decent. She's eating a very limited diet (fruit & rice) in small portions due to severe nausea. She's also got pretty bad vertigo & stays in bed a lot; Vid says she has not left the apartment in over a month. We are meeting the doctor from which they got a 2nd opinion tomorrow for results of her liver & lung biopsy. If they can pinpoint a gene (there are 3) they *might* be able to buy her some time, meaning at most a year. If they can't link her cancer to 1 of the 3 common ones then there's literally nothing more they can do. We are all obviously praying she's got 1 of the 3. However, my faith in general has been severely shaken in the past couple of days not because of cancer, but because of infertility.

This past week, I've had 3 friends experience pregnancy loss & 1 who is in a very delicate state. One friend lost her twins with little warning @ 18 weeks, another lost a singleton @ 9 weeks & yet another a singleton again @ 14 weeks. My friend in a delicate state has a funneling cervix @ 20 weeks of gestation with twins & can use all the good vibes you could spare her.

True, most long time infertiles such as myself are battle-hardened, as we go through cycle after cycle of BFNs. We are very aware of the fact our condition is delicate for the first couple of months & often don't tell people our wonderful news until we're out of the perceived danger zone, usually sometime after the 1st tri is over. And just when we're getting used to the fact this may finally have worked (*gasp*!), we wake up to severe bleeding or go to a routine appt where a heartbeat cannot be detected.

I ache for these women. They've done all they humanly could to give their baby or babies the best possible & yet it wasn't good enough. Why? Saying "goodbye" before you get to say "hello" is so cruel, especially after you've waited so long for that "hello" to finally come.

And it really makes me wonder if I'm cut out for IVF with ICSI? I mean, my RE says it will give me my best shot @ getting pregnant, but then what? Because I don't want to be pregnant if it won't end with a living, breathing being lying on my chest. I'm more than prepared for another BFN since that's all I've ever known, but after 3+ years of TTC I don't know if I can handle a loss. I've actually told Vid I would not be surprised if I ended up in a psych hospital, which would be awkward for many reasons: I may very well see my own patients there or I may have a colleague giving me Haldol injections so I can zone out!

In all seriousness, it's times like these when I wonder if taking a break from all things infertility would be a good thing: a break from message boards, a break from therapy, a break from blogging. Out of sight, out of mind? If only it were that simple. I live in a real world with real people & as much as I'd like to climb under a rock some days I know it doesn't work that way. Doing so won't give these women their babies back. And it won't give me the child I want so very much. Plus, if it were me in their situation, I'd want the support of my fellow infertiles in my most difficult times.

So as much as I'd love to go, I'm staying right here.

See you on the flip side (literally)

2011-08-19T10:47:00.004-04:00

I'm be leaving for the airport in a few hours. I'll be dropping off the pets @ my parents house to babysit while we're gone. All you have to say is "grandma" & my dog gets VERY excited so they'll be fine but I will miss them; they are my "children", after all. I'll go have lunch with the parents & then they'll drop me off @ the airport. So, the next time you'll here from me, I'll literally be on the other side of the world.

My status? Eff you, ovaries!

2011-08-16T10:05:00.004-04:00

Did you hear? Facebook has added an "expecting" status for women who are pregnant. Now not only can you bombard infetiles with baby pics, you can also mock us with the child you have in utero! Because apparently using your ultrasound as a profile photo isn't obnoxious enough. (Note to self: if I ever get pregnant, I pinky swear NOT to do this). Remind me why I have Facebook again? It seems like the only pregnant women I haven't "hidden" are my fellow infertiles who for the most part aren't obnoxious about their pregnancies. I wonder how long it will take them to add a "shitty eggs" option?

Early bird catches the sperm

2011-08-14T21:43:00.002-04:00

Favorite line: "My cervical mucus is as thick as peanut butter"; LMAO!

"My Future Baby": a film

2011-08-10T16:31:00.000-04:00

unsubscribe

2011-08-09T20:18:00.002-04:00

I love Aziz Ansari & not just because my husband looks like a chubby version of him. They are even from the same city in India & from the same ethnic group even though Aziz is Muslim & Vid is Hindu. And even though babies don't scare me like they do him, I appreciate his comment about how he wants to click "unsubscribe" every time one of his friends sends him an e-mail announcing their new bundle of joy:

Well, that was a terrible idea

2011-08-08T15:11:00.002-04:00

We usually go to temple every month or so & then out to eat @ a South Indian restaurant nearby that has a fabulous vegetarian buffet lunch. This temple is about an hour's drive & Vid prefers it as it's mostly southerners (his "people") versus the much closer, much smaller temple which is mostly attended by northerners. Vid asked me if we could go this weekend since our original plans to catch a baseball game (the Boston Red Sox minor league farm team) were quashed by pouring rain yesterday, so off we went.

He lasted not even 10 minutes before he told me "I need to go". As soon as he got in the car, he started crying. I had no idea what was up. He told me after he got his bearings, "Look @ all of the 70 year old women in there playing with their grandkids. My mom will never have that."

He had a point. And I felt sorry for him, but also reminded him that coming to temple has not been easy for me for a very long time either. It's no secret how much I've come to loathe any kind of religious gathering place because it seems any woman under the age of 40 is either pregnant or has a small child.

I feel like between his mom's impending death & our struggles with infertility we're living in exile from normal society. There are so few places that are "old women, pregnant women & small children free" & really, I don't WANT to not be around such people, but I also need to protect my psyche as well as my husband's.

Oh, & I've been eating far too much ice cream as a "coping mechanism", which is not good since IVF is just around the corner. I've always been an emotional eater & the past few weeks have NOT helped. Seriously, buy stock in Ben & Jerry's if you can; you'll make millions off my misery.

But seriously, I think I'm self sabotaging myself in a way because I really don't want to do IVF but my husband does. And with his mom's situation, he's even more gung-ho about having a genetic child as a way of his mom continuing on even after she's gone. I just want a kid. Period. I'm burnt out. I surrender to the utter suckage that are my girly bits. I pray every day he just says "Fuck it: let's adopt" but I know it's not going to happen.

At any rate, our tickets to India are booked at least. Vid's leaving this Friday & I'm leaving next since I need a visa to travel & wanted some extra time to have it processed just to be on the safe side. We'll be coming back together. I will have internet connection there but obviously given the situation I don't know how often or timely my postings will be. Any prayers for MIL's comfort that you could spare would be much appreciated.

Preparing for the inevitable

2011-08-04T16:13:00.002-04:00

MIL was supposed to go in tomorrow (well, really today in India) for bloodwork, a scan & some other tests to see if the massive doses of chemo & radiation she got a couple of weeks ago did anything to slow the cancer spread. She was having trouble breathing the other night so FIL took her to the hospital. I had a feeling this would not be good; I was right. The cancer has spread to her liver & lungs. The doctor is telling us she has weeks, or at most 3 months.

So, I just completed my online visa application (thank God; dealing with the Indian embassy over the phone or in person should count towards time in Purgatory). We'll be booking tickets tomorrow when Vid gets paid since this is going to cost more than we currently have in the bank. SIL (who lives in DC) is doing the same. I expect to be on a plane by next weekend.

Of course Vid is beside himself. I'm trying my best to be supportive but also trying to get him to see MIL & FIL's affairs need to be put in order while we're there so FIL doesn't get screwed again like he did years ago when one of his brothers sues him for his land & somehow won. This may sound strange to the uninitiated into Indian bureaucracy, but it's actually not uncommon. Click here if you want more info.

FIL was a very smart man back in the 1970s when land was dirt cheap. There;s really no such thing as 401K's in India so people tend to buy land, jewelry, etc. as a means of savings. Of course, Indian record keeping also sucks, so he lost some of it to his brother's scheming. They still have a lot, much of it beach front(although the palms got taken out by the tsunami) which needs to be protected in case FIL ever needs to "cash in" for his care down the road. Of course, this is the furthest thing from his mind right now so I've volunteered to deal with this, God help me. I've asked the local Indian association here for elder care/estate lawyers in Tamil Nadu as even though MIL is a lawyer that is not her specialty. And on the off chance someone reading this blog knows of such a lawyer, by all means leave me the info in a comment.

So we are truly preparing for the end now. And although I was never "close" with MIL, she is still Vid's mom. And he's so, so upset, which makes me upset. And I'm upset @ the universe for making this happen so soon. She's only 56: never drank, never smoked, ate only seafood & was always very active, so pray tell why is this happening? The world is truly an effed up place.

How cute are these?

2011-07-28T22:22:00.004-04:00

I came across this on the Facebook page of a friend of Vid's who recently had a baby; another friend had found them & thought they were too cute not to share & I have to agree. And yes, they got married & started trying after us. But anyways, how cute are these? And only $25 for the set of 6! Love, love, love the one of Kali!

I will not buy them, I will not buy them, I will not buy them...

Oops!

:)

The bottom of the barrel

2011-07-27T20:02:00.003-04:00

I knew it would happen eventually, but it doesn't make it any easier. 2 of the 12 girls in my infertility group found out they are pregnant this week. One was a surprise, the other the result of IVF.

While the group is thrilled for them as I am for any infertile couple when they finally get that elusive BFP, I understand they are scared too. Surprise pregnancy lady has had several miscarriages so that's obviously in the back of her mind, while the IVF lady has never been pregnant before & is scared this may still not finally be *it* for her. And at the same time, they endorsed a bit of what you might call "survivor's guilt" for the 10 of us who are not pregnant: they are thrilled to be in the positions they are in, yet they feel like they have betrayed their identity as infertiles, have let their fellow infertiles down by joining "the other side", full of people who got pregnant by simply having sex at the right time. It seems that infertility truly robs you of the ability to enjoy your pregnancy; if I ever see the other side of this I know that I will likely experience some of the same feelings as they have.

These 2 women are proof that infertiles *can*, in fact, conceive; hopefully they now stay pregnant. So there's a sliver of hope for us all. But at the same time, their pregnancies are just another cruel, cruel reminder of the fact that if someone is successful with ART (them), others are not (me).

Really, I try not to be a Debbie Downer about things, but honestly? Not only am I a part of that reported 1 in 8 couples who have trouble conceiving, I'm now one of that uber-tiny percentage with multiple failed medicated cycles. I mean, over 3 mother#%&!ing years& still nothing? No protocol has worked. No break cycle surprise. And while I know we haven't done IVF yet, I have all but convinced myself that it too will not work. And in the meantime, it seems I'm watching all my once infertile compatriots, both on the interwebs & in real life, finally get their baby/babies while I'm still here, still an infertile.

And as a therapist, I know negative self talk isn't good for you, but it's so damn hard to fake a smile & convince myself this isn't the end some days. I feel like I'm on the bottom of the barrel. It's dark. And I'm scared I may never see the light of my child's smile.

Infertiles Anonymous

2011-07-22T13:55:00.002-04:00

In group this week we got on the subject of how our 1st group felt very much like an AA meeting: "Hello. My name is Anasara & I'm an infertile". Working in mental health I have a lot of patients who are "dually diagnosed", meaning they have a substance abuse issue in addition to a major mental illness. I was thus inspired to create a 12 step program for us infertiles. I apparently have way too much time on my hands.

The 12 Steps of Infertiles Anonymous

1.We came to admit we were powerless over our own bodies (or the bodies of our partners) & their inability to reproduce.
2.We came to believe that a Power greater than us (an RE) could possibly (hopefully) restore us to sanity.
3.We made a decision to turn our bodies, minds & large amounts of money to this Power.
4.We made a searching & fearless inventory of ourselves & our commitment to becoming parents.
5.We admitted to the RE, ourselves & our partners that we were scared out of our minds about this entire process.
6.We were ready to do anything (ANYTHING) the RE told us *might* better our chances at success.
7.We humbly asked our RE for a therapy referral after the umpteenth failed cycle.
8.We made a list of all the fertiles we’d like to harm because of their stupid comment & blocked them temporarily on Facebook,.
9.We made a promise to talk to said fertiles again once we were finally pregnant.
10.We continued to make decisions in our life based on when we were scheduled to cycle, forgoing vacations & interviews for a better job.
11.We ate pineapple core, drank pomegranate juice, had accupuncture & did innumerable other strange things in the hopes they would yield a pregnancy.
12.We have had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps: we tried to carry the message of our struggles with infertility to the uneducated fertiles.

Winning the lottery

2011-07-08T20:45:00.002-04:00

Did you hear about the IVF lotto in the UK? For about $32US, you buy a shot at around $40k in fertility treatments, which for those of you not in the know would cover several IVF cycles for most people.

Apparently, this has cause some controversy. To quote from the article, "... critics were already rounding on the scheme last night, with one claiming it "demeaned" the nature of human rephttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifroduction." Really? I hate to break it to you, but those of us dealing with infertility are quite used to feeling "demeaned" whenever we have an RE appt: ever hear of a transvaginal ultrasound wand? As I believe I've said before, at this point, you could put a billboard of my crotch over Interstate 95 & I wouldn't care; everyone's seen it anyways.

And to those who wonder about the ethics of doing something like this, may I point out that anytime you undertake a fertility treatment you are basically playing the lotto because most times, you don't get pregnant. Who in their right mind would gamble $20k doing IVF on odds that are less than 50/50 in most cases? Ask any woman dealing with infertility who has such funds saved up after months or years of saving & they'd likely raise their hand. Or ask an infertile woman who is lucky enough to have insurance coverage how grateful they are because without it they would never even have a chance at motherhood. Yes, even the mere thought that children of our own *might* exist some day makes us do what some may term "crazy things". But if such a gamble works, be it the 1st time or the 10th, it will be worth it: we will have finally won our lottery.

Moving on to another acronym

2011-07-05T15:29:00.003-04:00

Happy (belated) 4th of July!

BFN yet again. So, we're officially done with IUIs. Given my MIL's health & the fact we'll be leaving for India in mere weeks there is obviously not enough time to jump straight into IVF. And even if there was, I wouldn't feel comfortable flying the 20+ hours to India if I did manage to get pregnant. I've never really had issues with being sick overseas (a very mild case of malaria in Ghana back in 2001 & amoebic dysentary in Niger in 2004; nothing in India) but I know I'd never forgive myself if something like a miscarriage happened while we were there.

I told my RE about what was going on with my MIL & she was very sympathetic & agreed it would be best to move on to IVF at this point. She's recommending IVF with ICSI in case there's an as of yet undiagnosed egg quality issue or fertilization issue. I'm actually looking forward to this because I'd really love to know WTF our issue is given I respond great to meds & Vid has normal swimmers. So not we get to add another acronym to our arsenal: RE, HSG, IUI & now: IVF with ICSI!

When we get back from India I'll be going on BCPs as being on them while flying such a long distance isn't a great idea due to the risk of blood clots. While it sucks the ER/ET will be in the midst of the fal semester with both of us being in PhD programs in addition to working full time we'll deal with it, just like we've dealt with all the other curveballs we've been thrown lately. After all, who actually plans on anything for certain when you are dealing with infertility?

Cancer sucks

2011-07-03T19:46:00.003-04:00

We got a panicked phone call from my FIL on Thursday night that MIL could not get comfortable & was in so much pain she was asking to go to the hospital. Considering this woman has the highest pain tolerance of anyone I've ever met (thought the top head of her humerus being totally destroyed by cancer was just arthritis) we were concerned & told FIL they should definitely go get her checked out. She did have some pain in that area when she came a few months ago in yet another attempt to marry off my SIL but that was chalked up to a 20 hour plane ride & sleeping on a crappy air mattress.

Of course, the news is not good. Friday morning we got word that the cancer has spread up her spinal column to L3; they are doing more tests on her to see if there are other areas in addition to the original humeral head & hip where it was 1st discovered almost 2 years ago. Right now she is in the hospital undergoing intense radiation for 10 days then they will take another scan & see if that did anything. FIL will be e-mailing her scans, blood work & whatever else they do for me to look over as soon as he can get his hands on them. While I'm not a doctor, I do medical (psych) research & know how to read labs & if my opinion will help put their minds @ ease, so be it.

To say Vid is freaking out would be the understatement of the year. I'm sure he'd love nothing more than to be on a plane to India right now but I told him we need to be smart about this & make plans once we have more info. If it's (God forbid) time to talk hospice care, then we leave right away. If they manage to stabilize her, then we go in August as my sister is getting married @ the end of this month & I'd feel so guilty not being there for that. Regardless, there will be a trip to India in our near future & yet again it's because of the "c-word". I mean, what the eff, universe? I've started looking @ airfares & we'll both be talking to our employers on Tuesday about what's going on since tomorrow is the holiday.

Cancer sucks.

IUI #8

2011-06-21T11:45:00.002-04:00

Yesterday morning's monitoring appt showed 1 follie on righty (18) & 2 on lefty (18 & 21). E2 was 721. Triggered when I got home from work last night. Vid's post wash count was 71 million when we had our IUI this morning. I start Endometrin 2x daily on Saturday. Beta is 7/5. Will my 4th of July be ruined? Stay tuned & find out!

On Father's Day...

2011-06-19T15:44:00.002-04:00

This is my first post on my wife's blog. She asked me to write about my thoughts & feelings on Father's Day as we have been trying to have a child for 3 years now. I am not the best writer as English is my 3rd language so hopefully you can understand this.

When I first got married I was unemployed so my priorities & thinking were not really oriented towards procreation. Obviously, one needs a job to survive so that you take care of your loved ones. Once I got a job, still my thinking was more oriented towards stability of my job. But, my wife was already planning for a great future & a big family. So, we started trying to have a baby.

As time progressed, I saw & endured all the pain she took trying to become a mother.
Trust me; it is a heavy feeling. I already suffer from depression & sleepless nights because I think about my terminally ill mom every night. I also think a lot about my wife & how much she wants to be a mom; it makes me sad. My wife & I have gone through a lot for a newborn baby of our own; it will be unfair if we don't get it. I still do not understand why we have to go through all of this; we have done nothing wrong.

Today is Fathers Day: a great day for every father, a day for them to be proud of their offspring. Father's Day makes every dad feel that there is somebody to love
apart from the woman to whom he is married. His worries & pain fades away when he sees the face of the kid he created; he sees hope for the future. It makes him want to be a good man. It reorients him & renews his faith in him and his family. I really pray by next Fathers Day I will be father with my wife becoming a mother. We will be the happiest parents on earth.

Group therapy

2011-06-16T12:32:00.002-04:00

I went to my 1st infertility group session on Tuesday night after my 1-on-1 session. So, Tuesday is now known as "infertile day" around these parts, though the reality is I'm infertile all day, every day. Plus let's not forget I work full time doing psych research.

The group was recommended to me by my 1-on-1 therapist. This particular doctor has done groups like this for over a decade & did her post-doc @ Dr. Alice Domar's Center for Mind/Body Health. She does groups on a rolling basis with each lasting about 10 sessions over 20 weeks.

It's a very diverse group all around of about a dozen women. We in age from late 20s to early 40s. Some of us have male factor, others female; others still are unexplained. Some are just beginning treatment while others have failed multiple IVFs. Some of us are in the middle of a cycle (me) while others are trying to decide if they are ever going to cycle again. Some have had multiple miscarriages while others have never been pregnant.

It's at times like this when I'm grateful to live in a part of the country with access to so many doctors & other medical professionals that give me the opportunity to particiapte in something like this. While I do enjoy going to regional infertility get-togethers once or twice a year with ladies I know from a message board, having more regular "in-the-flesh" contact with my fellow infertiles will be awesome. Obviously I won't be going into specifics about people in the group but if a topic comes up or I learn something I think may be useful to others I will certainly post about it here.

A serious talk

2011-06-12T15:53:00.002-04:00

After this last BFN, I sat down with Vid & laid it all out: I'm getting towards the end of my rope. I told him as of the end of this year, I'm basically done with fertility treatments; that should give us enough room for 2 IVF attempts. After that if we have any frozen embies for FETs I'll try with them until they're gone, but that's that.

And surprisingly, Vid was understanding. He said he doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to; that he knew this whole process was really getting to me. He told me he was sorry I had to go through this, that he hates seeing me on an emotional roller coaster cycle after cycle. He wanted me to know he didn't blame me for not being able to have kids since neither of us knew when we started that conceiving would be an issue for us.

I told him I just wish that we were normal, that we could just get pregnant: no meds, no doctors; just us as a married couple, starting a family of our own. I wish that I didn't feel completely out of place among my friends with children who haven't got a clue what it's like to not know if you'll ever experience a child kick you from the inside. I wish I didn't have to block friends on Facebook just because I can't deal with seeing another growing belly that isn't mine. I wish that family gatherings were no longer events of dread about when another relative would announce they were expecting a bundle of joy & I would have to excuse myself to sob in the bathroom.

But all the wishing in the world won't make a child. For whatever reason, we've been given this challenge in our marriage. In the sickness of infertility & for the poorer it has made us financially, we made a vow to each other to face it together. Vid says he loves me no matter what & that we'll figure this all out, somehow. And he's right: I will be a mother & he will be a father someday, it's just taking a whole lot longer & cost us a whole lot more money than we ever planned.

And I love Vid no matter what too. One of the big reasons I married him was he's such a sweet guy: he is very gentle & caring. Even though he's not the best at expressing himself verbally (I often tell him he has diarrhea of the mouth as he goes on & on about nothing, sometimes completely forgetting what he was talking about) he has the patience of a saint & gives great hugs. He would be such a great dad, which is why this whole TTC process is killing me.

3 years of TTC.

2011-06-08T18:03:00.003-04:00

IUI #7 is a

B
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F
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N.

What else is new, right?

Apparently 22 million sperm cannot manage to fertilize 1 fucking egg out of 4 mature follies in an organ the size of a pear.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Against my better judgement, we're doing 1 more IUI since I have leftover Follistim & Endometrin to use up. After that, it's IVF time, even though it makes me want to vomit thinking about how much $ that will cost us.

I don't think Vid truly "gets it". He keeps talking about how "It's got to happen for you; I know how much you want a baby", but obviously all the wanting in the world does not a baby make. I don't want to be mean, but I feel like I really need to have a serious, blunt talk with him about how if we're not pregnant by the end of this year, I'm done trying. And if he can't get over that & move on to adoption, then perhaps we need to re-evaluate our marriage.

I hate infertility.

PANDAS!!!

2011-06-05T19:53:00.004-04:00

Don't get excited: there is nothing to report. I have not peed on anything yet & am unsure if I will before beta on Wednesday. I keep going back & forth between hope & despair.

In the meantime, we're trying to enjoy our time in Washington D.C. Guess what we're doing tomorrow? GOING TO SEE THE PANDAS! Can you tell I'm excited? Not only are they cute, but they also have a horrible time getting pregnant. To quote from the National Zoo's website: "Female pandas ovulate only once a year, in the spring. A short period of two to three days around ovulation is the only time she is able to conceive." Poor pandas. :(

S 965: a very important bill

2011-05-31T17:48:00.003-04:00

Since I'm in DC for work this week, I thought it appropriate to use my blog to spread the word on S 965, The Family Act of 2011. If you're a fellow infertile, you've probably heard of this already. If not, please click here for the text of this legislation.

Basically, this bill would create a tax credit for the out-of-pocket costs associated with infertility medical treatment. While my husband & I are lucky enough to have 80% coverage for fertility treatments, it's still quite expensive for us. The fact is only 15 states have mandates regarding infertility treatments & of course, there are loopholes even in mandate states. Should this become law, it will help thousands of couples be able to afford a shot at parenthood.

So what can you do to turn this bill into a law a la "School House Rock? Well, it's pretty simple: write your Senator in support of this bill. Even if you haven't experienced the heartache of infertility yourself, remember that 1 in 8 couples has: we are your friends & family.

Sperminated!

2011-05-24T12:11:00.003-04:00

Post wash semen specimen: 22 million with 40% normal morphology & 42% forward motility. Vid was very proud of his work; he actually fist-pumped when the doctor told us the results prior to the IUI. Couple that with 3 (maybe 4) mature follies & we better get SOMETHING out of this. My RE said she has a good feeling about this one & commended me on my weight loss. My beta is on 6/8 (15 days post IUI) since we'll be travelling 14DPIUI. I am in Washington DC for work next week (Tuesday-Friday)& we are staying a few days extra for a bit of a vacation. Both Vid & I have been to DC several times before but never together so it'll be fun to experience it with him; I haven't been there since before we were together (8 years?). Not sure if I'll POAS prior to beta or not; we'll see. I start Endometrin 2x daily on Saturday. We're on doctor's orders to have "insurance sex" over the next 2 days. If we were to finally get pregnant this cycle my due date would be Valentine's Day, which is also our Pekigese's (named "Romeo"; get it?) birthday.

The trigger has been pulled

2011-05-23T23:10:00.002-04:00

I went in for my monitoring appointment this morning & per usual, everything looked hunky dorey. I have 3 follies on my left (17, 19 & 21) & 1 on my right (19). My E2 was 627 & my lining was a lush 13 with the coveted 3 stripes. My RE gave me the usual talk about the risk of multiples (4 is her limit to trigger; any more & we would've been cancelled. I managed not LOL @ her since I've had 2+ follies @ each of my 6 unsuccessful IUIs. I triggered tonight & will go in tomorrow morning for my IUI, followed by lots & lots of sex in the next 72 hours. I swear to God this better work!

And away we go!

2011-05-16T12:27:00.003-04:00

Remember how I was saying my ute was fucking with my mind last month after being on BCPs to prep for IVF #1 before we decided to push it back? Well, it seems we're back on track. Friday night Aunt Flo came to town: CD 28. So my ute continues to be a Swiss watch so far as menstruating goes; too bad my ovaries are too lazy to pop out a mature egg once in a while!

I went in for my baseline ultrasound & bloodwork this morning. My bloodwork & vag cam photos were okey dokey. So the plan is to start with 100 of Clomid tonight for 5nights & then add 75 of Follistim per night beginning on Friday.

Random thought: my Clomid comes in foil packaging, but a friend who is taking it for the 1st time had hers filled in a child proof bottle. Ironic, no? My meds are filled @ a specialist fertility pharmacy & shipped via UPS to me because of insurance reasons while she filled hers @ local Walgreens. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Next Monday I'll go back in to see how things are growing. :)

A child of God, or not?

2011-05-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

Scanning the interwebs as I so often do I came across a post on CNN's Belief Blog written by a father who experienced something I cannot fathom: the embryo his wife carried to term turned out not to be theirs & when she gave birth, she handed over the baby to his genetic parents. Instead of highlighting the ultimate good that came out of this heart-wrenching story, the Catholic Diocese of Toledo took the opportunity to condemn IVF as "morally unacceptable".

Really, Diocese of Toledo?

It's stuff like this that makes me question my active participation in my church. I think about looking into joining other denominations every so often but never have; it's my understanding many other Christian denominations give IVF the proverbial "thumbs up". However, I also think of what my grad school buddy & Catholic priest friend who grew up in Nigeria & worked in an area with a horrible HIV/AIDS rate & encouraged condom use once told me: "What is said in Rome is not necessarily what is said in my homily on Sunday". In other words, although the Catholic Church is very much a hierarchical organization, every priest does have some degree of freedom over how he runs his parish.

I've not heard any stories about being excommunicated from ladies I know on the infertility message boards I frequent who have had successful pregnancies via IUI or IVF. That's not to say they don't exist, but what I've been told by most active Catholics I know is that since IVF's goal is to create life in God's image they see no problem with ART. Of course they may be paying me lip service & are secretly praying for my soul not to be thrust into eternal damnation, but I'd like to think they're not.

Basically, the crux of this article is that the Catholic Church is talking out of both sides of their mouth: they are "pro-life" but at the same time don't see the miracle of creating life that is ART. I've always believed God gave us the brains to think up things like IUI & IVF, so why not put them to use? As the author states so beautifully:

Babies born of IVF are here because their parents loved, respected and longed for these children well before conception. These children could not get here through the conjugal love of their parents and it took a very deep love, respect, and commitment to pursue the medical treatment needed to conceive through IVF. There is no doubt in my mind that God is working through loving parents and ethical doctors to allow these children to come into this world.

Amen.

Yesterday was Mother's Day? Really?

2011-05-09T21:48:00.002-04:00

Obviously, I am well aware yesterday was Mother's Day since I don't live under a rock. Being forced to spend 30 seconds on Facebook on a day such as yesterday would surely make any infertile confess to the most heinous of crimes. But, with just a touch of snark & the help of my fellow infertiles, I survived.

I spent my mother's day making my husband hump up & down our basement stairs with plastic storage boxes full of summer clothes so I could change our wardrobes over from the colder weather. It was good to cull & generally straighten out our walk-in bedroom closet & 2 chests of drawers. It was also simply gorgeous out despite the weatherman's predictions (70 degrees & sunny) so I opened all of the windows. Vid & I also took an hour long walk on the local bike/walking path, not really talking much but enjoying each other's company nonetheless.

I purposely didn't go to choir practice this week using finals as an excuse knowing full well I had none (just 1 paper & 1 presentation) but that you can't sing at Mass if you don't go to rehearsal so you don't screw everyone else up. I know God will forgive me for guarding my heart: I didn't want to burst into tears in the middle of the Agnus Dei or something.

This week is the last week of the semester (yahoo!) for me; I'm not taking any this summer in anticipation of having to do IVF. Once I'm done with class on Wednesday night I'm taking my mom out to dinner @ a local restaurant that gives you a free piece of cake with the purchase of a meal for your mom; it's become somewhat of a tradition. Aunt Flo should be showing up by the end of the week so I may end up taking home a piece of cake too. :)

Vote for me!

2011-05-06T18:43:00.003-04:00

In addition to the numerous obnoxious ultrasound & pregnant belly pics on Facebook we infertiles have to endure apparently there's a new, hip thing for our parent friends to shove in our faces: that the cuteness of their children is worthy of my vote on some random website.

"Vote for Ayden/Brayden/Kayden; only 29,307 votes & we'll surely win him free diapers for a year!" (And yes, I chose those names because I hate them. I loathe random y's in names to make them "Youneek" & all names ending in -ayden generally).

I guess it's just another thing I may never experience as an infertile: having others tell me how beautiful my child is. And I know we will make beautiful children. take a look @ Vid around age 2 & 1/2; how cute!:

So why don't any of the infertility magazines (you know, the ones @ your RE office that inexplicably have babies on their covers?!?! what up with that...) to hold an infertility photo contest?

Here are some categories for your consideration:
*Most photogenic uterus
*Sexiest fallopian tubes
*Cyst that looks most like the Virgin Mary
*Strangest place of endometriosis growth

And many others, including:

Your thoughts?

Maybe Baby

2011-05-03T20:42:00.003-04:00

I saw this movie this past weekend. Unfortunately, there's not much out there in the way of movies that are appropriately funny when it comes to infertility, but Rowan Atkinson is HYSTERICAL! If you're infertile you can almost certainly identify with the 1st 2 minutes of this clip:

Hail Mary

2011-04-30T21:42:00.004-04:00

I'm probably just delaying the inevitable, but after talking with my husband & RE I've decided to do one last IUI before moving onto IVF. I know, I know; if the previous 6 have not worked why do I think this would? Well, all of my previous IUIs were before I had my endo removed. Granted, it was a small amount of endo, but still, maybe this was the reason why I always responded well to stims but never got a BFP. I'm also about 35 lbs lighter than when we had our last IUI about a year ago & they say losing just 10% of body weight can affect your fertility.

Our OOP expense (we are lucky to have 80% coverage) for IUIs is about $500 between meds, monitoring & the IUI itself. I have about $2000 left on my pre-tax medical for this year, which runs from July 1 - June 30. Another $500 I will be using for new glasses as I've been putting off getting them for the better part of the year & they are on the verge of falling apart. Being blind as a bat, I really cannot put this off any longer. The remaining $1000 will go towards putting a deposit down on the IVF if we need it.

I put in the maximum allowed of $2500 every year; that amount will cover an IVF if we need it & most of an FET if the IVF doesn't work. Unfortunately, Vid's employer does not offer the pre-tax medical, but they do offer child care plans, which we obviously don't need. Since our insurance doesn't cover freezing, we'll be OOP for that & have set aside a good chunk of our tax refund for this. As we don't make a lot of money (we both have Masters degrees yet make well below 6-figures combined & we live in a high COL area) this has taken a lot of forethought.

So right now I'm in what I think is my 2WW. I believe I O'd a couple of days ago based on pains I had in the area of my left ovary as well as some fertile CM which I never get. And yes we did make sure to have sex just in case because apparently people have been able to get pregnant that way. Who knew?

I'm calling this our "Hail Mary" IUI, like the "Hail Mary pass in football, which is basically something done in desperation with only a small chance of success. It'll also be our 7th IUI. Lucky IUI #7? Ha!

It's NIAW again!

2011-04-25T21:22:00.002-04:00

April 24 - 30th is NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), which is a week devoted to busting the many myths and misconceptions (ha! misconceptions...infertility...very punny!) out there about infertility. As I did last year, I have been using my Facebook page to bust a new myth every day. I know not everyone dealing infertility is as "out" as I am, which is a big reason why I've made it my personal mission to help educate the fertile masses about our struggles to have children.

This year, I am taking part in Resolve's NIAW challenge of busting a fertility myth in my blog. Granted, this blog is 99 44/100% infertility to begin with, but that's ok; it just gives me another excuse to rant & rave. :)

Myth: Maybe God just doesn't want you to have children.

Busted: This is perhaps the most hurtful thing one can say to someone dealing with infertility. My first thought is usually to slap the shit out of the person who says such a thing. My second idea is usually to rant & rave on about why God would give a homeless, drug addicted prostitute children but think that I as an educated, employed person in a stable relationship would be denied by the same God.

This implies that we are, in some ways, subhuman; that God has judged us to be such horrible people that we are not worthy of giving the gift of life. But the fact is a couple who are infertile and going through treatments would give ANYTHING to have a child; God (or whatever higher power you believe in) has put parenthood in our hearts. As I've said before, being called to motherhood is like being called to the priesthood; not everyone gets the call but if you do, you know it.

I wonder if a person who would say such a thing thinks that someone with a diagnosis of cancer (for example) shouldn't undergo chemo because it goes against the will of God? I doubt it. And yes, I'm aware that infertility isn't generally fatal, but it sucks nonetheless.

I just don't buy the whole "divine sterilization" theory. Perhaps infertility is my cross to bear? Maybe God gave me the challenge of PCOS to inspire this blog in the hopes of educating some people on what we infertiles go through in the hopes of becoming parents? I don't think I'll ever truly understand "why me?", but I'm ok with that. What I do understand, however, is that God is not an asshole & someday, come hell or high water, I will have a child of my own.

For more information on NIAW & infertility, click here.

Infertility A-Z

2011-04-24T19:25:00.002-04:00

Stolen from the lovely kthappy76:

Infertility A-Z

A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 29; not long after we got married

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: 4 before this whole infertility thing; right now I'd be thrilled with just 1. I really don't want to deny my child a sibling so @ this point we're shooting for 2.

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: 1 Pekingese dog (rescue) & 1 gray tiger cat (stray kitten we took in). If I had more room I'd have more!

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: Pre-natal, Vitamin D (those of us living in New England are usually deficient) & B-complex since I'm vegetarian.

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Clomid, Follistim, Ovidrel, Progesterone, Metformin (for PCOS) & Zoloft (since my depression is very much related to my infertility).

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: I've gained perspective on what's really important to me: being a mother. I always wanted kids, but it wasn't until I had to go through hell to try & get pregnant that I actually appreciated how deep my maternal instinct runs & how I'll do almost anything to get there.

H - HSG: 2; both all clear.

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: That infertility is so freakin' expensive & many infertile folks can't afford treatment since insurance doesn't cover it for most, yet crack whores who are unemployed & homeless pop out kids like they're Pez dispensers.

J - Job Title: Research Assistant & Case Manager. I work in psych research @ a community mental health center.

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: None.

L - Length of Time TTC - 2 years, 10 months.

M - Miscarriages: 1 chemical pregnancy in 6/09 just before we saw an RE for the 1st time. It's weird to think if that had stuck we'd have a 1 year old now. I still have "what if?" thoughts about this. He/she was only with me for 2 days but he/she will be in my thoughts for the rest of my life.

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: Switched REs once. 1st RE turned out to be a total douche. My 2nd/current RE left her original practice & I followed her to the new one.

O - Ovarian Quality: My RE is unconcerned but I kind of wonder given my FSH has been slowly creeping up.

P - POAS or Wait for AF: I haven't POAS in over a year. When we do IVF I don't think I'll POAS then either because, quite frankly, I have a hard time believing it will be positive.

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "Why don't you just adopt?" (Note: I'd love to but Vid isn't completely on board yet so it's a moot point right now). 1. Adoption isn't easy; you have to be studied (literally) to see if you're "worthy". 2. It isn't cheap. 3. It isn't guaranteed; birth parents can change their mind. 4. Why don't fertiles "just adopt"? I mean just because you can crap out a kid without medical intervention does that mean you should? After all, there are millions of kids in need of homes out there, right? I could go on & on...

S - Sperm: OK.

T - Time you Tried Naturally: the recommended 1 year.

U - Uterus Quality: OK; just a touch of endo hiding behind my left ovary which was removed.

V - Vagina: yes ;)

W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: Nothing except for a single onesie that I just loved. We've already spent so much money trying to create a baby there's not a lot of extra cash lying around.

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Everyone. Infertility is so taboo, but given how stupid fertile friends & family can be about it I don't blame those still "in the closet". I have made it my mission to be open on behalf of those who cannot be.

Y - Yearly Exam: I'm due for my PAP, actually; I need to call my doc.

Z - Zits: Some cycles yes, others no.

How about you? What's your Infertility A to Z?

The Onion is OSSUM

2011-04-19T20:36:00.001-04:00

Just When Couple Finally Stops Stressing About Having A Baby, They're Still Not Pregnant

April 16, 2011

HENDERSON, NV — After finally deciding to relax and not worry so much about having a baby, local couple Aaron Leonard and Shelley Akers announced Tuesday that at long last they remained no closer to conceiving a child. "After more than two years of trying to get pregnant, we decided not to put so much pressure on ourselves—and wouldn't you know it, still nothing happened," said Akers, 32, adding that you can never predict when God will choose to continue withholding His blessing. "I guess it's one of those situations where you're not expecting anything and then, totally out of the blue, you don't get it." Akers added that, for a while, she had actually begun to think her husband might be sterile, and that she was still very much leaning in that direction.

I heart mimosas

2011-04-17T12:49:00.003-04:00

I am proud to say I survived my sister's wedding shower yesterday. I think the fact I was so busy setting things up, writing down who gave what for her thank you cards & then cleaning helped immensely. I did have a small yet cathartic cry after everyone left, but it wasn't anything Oscar worthy.

My 2 cousins who had babies in February were both there with the newborns but were well behaved with no stupid comments or complaining to be had. Also, my cousin who is due in May was not there because she was sick; even though it stinks she has the flu (I had it 2 weeks ago) I must admit it was nice not to have to stare down a 35 week pregnant belly.

Oh, & the mimosas certainly helped too. :)

My ute has a mind of its own

2011-04-15T23:09:00.003-04:00

I'm one of those rare PCOS ladies who has had (until last month apparently) a very regular cycle. Since coming off BCPs (Zovia) over 3 years ago my longest cycle was 31 days (once) & my shortest 25 (also once) with 2 or 3 28 or 29 day cycles thrown in for good measure. On average though, my cycle was 27 days. While it's been nice to not wonder about when to expect Aunt Flo to come to town, it also fucked with my head big time when I continued to see BFFNs despite having sexy time when I was supposedly fertile month after month.

Fast forward to February when I was on BCPs (low dose Apri) to supposedly prepare for IVF. When we decided to push back IVF my RE told me I could either stay on the pill as she wasn't worried about my oversurpressing or I could go off for a cycle or 2 & then go back on. Being the optimist I am despite my better judgment I decided to go off the pill to see if we could maybe experience a miracle & get pregnant without medical intervention.

I took my last active BCP on March 5 & got what I assumed was my period on 3/10. It was lighter than normal but definitely not spotting & was the normal 3-4 days that I've always experienced. Fast forward to 3/25 when I got Aunt Flo AGAIN; this time she was a more usual flow (2 days heavy to start, the 1 day of light). I didn't think anything of it since I know sometimes when coming off BCPs your cycle can get a little wonky. But then again, I had a regular, predictable cycle coming right off birth control which I had been on for years when we started TTC.

Today, guess who showed up full force? Yep. A 21 day cycle. I came home from work & went to pee only to find my undies resembling the Japanese flag. I had no idea my period was coming; no cramps, no bloating, nothing. Hell, I was "in the mood" last night (Vid went to sleep a happy man) & I managed to lose 1.4 lbs @ Weight Watchers this week when I weighed in on Tuesday night.

I don't know what to think. I'm kind of freaked out if I'm being honest. Can being on a low dose pill for a month really eff with my body this bad? Is there something more going on? I'd love to know what you, my dear readers, think. I'm considering calling my RE on Monday since this is so unlike me.

It's mah burfday

2011-04-12T15:10:00.002-04:00

I'm 32. So only 3 more years til AMA (advanced maternal age); awesome! In all seriousness, I don't think 32 is old, but the fact I'm another step closer to AMA makes me haz a sad. Especially since we're about to hit the 3 years TTC mark. How scary is it that I could have a walking, talking, potty-trained toddler if I was one of the magical fertiles who get lucky their 1st try? Heck, I could have 2 kids by now. I know I've been lapped by several people on my interwebs anniversary board, which is another reason for me to haz a sad.

But it's not all bad. After work, I will go to therapy (alone) & to Weight Watchers (with hubby) & then we will go out to dinner @ our favorite local Indian restaurant where I get a free entree since it's my birthday. And then to top it all off, today is free cone day @ Ben & Jerry's, so we get free dessert too! Thank God Weight Watchers has 49 extra points a week! Whatevs; it's my day & so I'm going to try & enjoy it just a teensy bit.

It's also my mom's birthday today so I'll be sure to stop by my parents' house on the way home & give her a card & gift. I still fantasize about having a baby born on my birthday because it's been so fun to share it with my mom. Depending on the timing of IVF #1 & if it works (please please please) we may end up with a due date that's close. Not that I necessarily want to go 13 days past my due date like my mom did with me, but if that means having a healthy baby of my own I will gladly deal with it. Really, at this point if I had a left nut to give it'd be gone. But I don't know how Vid would feel about giving up one of his just yet (hehehe).

PETA can FRO

2011-04-06T21:04:00.002-04:00

I have always been a huge animal lover. I've rescued various wildlife throughout the years: 2 baby robins who fell from a tree, a pheasant with an injured wing & a garden snake with a gash in it's side to name a few. My dog was a rescue from a puppy mill raid. My cat was a stray kitten who got stuck between my neighbor's fence & mine. I've been a vegetarian since middle school.

Despite this I've also thought for quite a while that the organization known as PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) was a bit nutty with some of the stunts they've pulled. However, this one takes the cake:

Several lovely ladies on an Infertility message board I frequent have brought to the community's attention the truly disgusting contest to "Win a Vasectomy from PETA". While I applaud anyone's commitment to responsible family planning (birth control) the fact they are billing this as being in honor of NIAW is sick. Think I'm kidding? Here's a direct quote from their website: "In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24 to 30), PETA will give one free vasectomy to a man who has recently had his companion cat or dog neutered".

Apparently PETA does not understand the definition of the word "honor". A quick look at an online dictionary gives the definition of honor as "to regard or treat (someone) with admiration or respect". There you have it: respect. How on God's green earth is this being respectful to those of us dealing with a diagnosis of infertility? It's not. Not at all.

As for me, I have lost all respect for PETA at this point. How can I possibly honor or admire an organization who would do such a hurtful thing to a demographic group that I would argue (based on my experience) is among the most thoughtful, caring & supportive I've witnessed?

Infertiles cry for each other's failed cycles. We shout for joy (sometimes to the confusion of our spouses or co-workers) when one of us gets a BFP. We donate unused meds to those who lack insurance coverage. When one of us has a loss we send kind words & often gifts of sympathy. We are among the most selfless people you'll ever meet. We are strong. But we are also human. And it hurts when someone exploits us for their own gain.

What I've done

2011-04-03T20:01:00.003-04:00

This post was lovingly stolen from the lovely Kristin @ Fertile Ramblings. Feel free to steal it from me. The bolded ones are the ones I've done; how about you?

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland (Disney World)
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (2 outta 3)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby (the only one I've not done that makes me want to cry :()
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Infertile play date!

2011-03-30T21:15:00.003-04:00

Spring has sprung! Although we may get snow on Friday (not an April Fool's joke unfortunately) it won't stick for long since temps have been slowly rising in these parts. The sky is finally blue & there's this large yellow thing in the sky that I've been told is the sun which we haven't seen for months.

And on Facebook, all of my fertile friends are making playdates for their precious little ones. And since I lack human children, I lack an excuse to get in on this social scene. Let's face it: it'd be weird for Aunty Anasara to chill @ the park with the mommies when she has nothing to contribute to conversations about potty training & Thomas The Train.

And when I power walk on the local bike path, enjoying the nice weather & trying to get my fat a$$ in better shape, I swear I am the only 30-something woman not pushing a jogging stroller. Of course my Pekingese would love to be pushed in such a contraption, but he's chubby too so he's dieting along with mom & dad. The only one in the house that isn't fat is the cat!

Granted, I have lots of infertile friends on the interwebs but 99% of them don't live in my metro area. While I am very much looking forward to our get together in NYC next month (*squee*) we can't chill on a regular basis. It's going to be a kind of infertile play date: a nice brunch followed by who knows what!

I wonder if I can convince them to go in on renting one of these for the afternoon:

Need reason to hope?

2011-03-27T18:54:00.002-04:00

Here are 2 recent articles on new & innovative infertility treatments:

Frozen ovary tissue implanted back into breast cancer sufferer in world first, giving fresh hope to infertile women

Could Lab-Grown Sperm Help Infertile Men?

I should've given up Facebook for Lent

2011-03-22T22:57:00.003-04:00

Why?

Check out this gem:

I've changed the names & profile pics to protect the not so innocent but that, ladies & gentlemen, is an honest to God real Facebook post from one of my cousins. Yes; I share a great deal of DNA with this person, it's sad to say. Perhaps you remember this person from an earlier post? Actually, I'm certain you remember that story no matter how hard you've tried to forget!

SMDH.

Another new book on infertility

2011-03-20T12:57:00.003-04:00

There seems to have been a rash of books & articles on infertility from a man's point of view recently, which is great, because I know my hubby often feels he has no clue about what I'm going through even though it seems like some days all we talk about is our struggle to have a child.

A friend of mine sent me a link to this Today Show segment on infertility with the author of a new book, What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting.

Given it was a short segment they didn't get into great detail on anything really but there were 2 things that made me roll my eyes:

1. The author's wife had one of those magical surprise pregnancies after 7 years of infertility & having to use a gestational carrier to have her twin daughters. While it's awesome for her to have finally experienced pregnancy & childbirth on her own, the little quip from the host about it being a "common occurance" made me want to throw my laptop across the room. Does it happen for some? Yes. But not for the vast majority of infertiles. It reminds me of the "Just adopt & you'll get pregnant" advice all of us infertiles have heard at least once in our journey. Like adoption is so easy to go through financially, emotionally, etc. The actual stat of that happening is about 4%; not good odds in my book.

2. I totally disagree with the author than "women need babies". While I fall into the "I need a baby" crowd, there are some women who don't feel the need to have children. And that's fine; it's their life. Motherhood is a vocation & not everyone gets "the call".

Yet another change in plans

2011-03-17T21:56:00.002-04:00

To say the past week has been hell on earth would be an understatement. Last week in a period of 24 hours the following happened:

1. Our family cat of 16 years died.
2. My dad got t-boned by someone who dropped hot coffee in her lap (!); his SUV was totaled but thankfully he's fine.
3. My mom-in-law was admitted to the hospital for severe hip pain (my in-laws just arrived from India 3/5 & are currently staying with my sister-in-law in DC) which had us extremely worried given her bone cancer.

Bad things come in 3's, right?

Vid ended up taking a quick flight down to DC to deal with his mom last weekend. While we are thankful the hip pain didn't turn out to be anything concerning, by no means did it mean my in-laws made things easy & drama free for any of us regarding her health & their desperate attempts to marry off my sister-in-law before she reaches her "expiration date": she turns 30 in June. I won't go into details but let's just say my husband FINALLY grew a pair & read them the proverbial riot act about their child-like behavior. Actually, he got so loud the hospital called security on him because they thought he was going to get violent; they aren't familiar with the fact he has 2 volumes: loud & jet engine. Thankfully, he was not taken into custody.

Oh, and my 1 remaining grandmother who is severely mentally ill (manic depression with borderline & histrionic personality disorders) has been making us all NUTS as well. And who does my dad & his brothers call when they can't deal with her any more & think she may have to go to the psych hospital for the 3rd time in 6 months? Me! Because I work in psych & apparently don't have enough stress.

Did I mention all of this happened the week my therapist was sick so we didn't have a session? Yeah. Awesome.

All of this has made me really rethink our next moves concerning infertility. As of right now, we're going to wait on IVF until June. Here's why:

Vid will be out of town for about a week @ the end of this month/beginning of next. Then, my sister's bridal shower is in mid-April which I am planning. And I just found out last week I have to travel for a few days @ the end of April. Then I have an academic conference the 2nd weekend in May where I've been invited to give a paper. And to top it all off, we are going on a MUCH needed vacation (planned back @ the beginning of the year with the thought we'd have done IVF already) to San Francisco/Napa Valley/Yosemite the last week of May.

Simply put, there are not enough hours in the day.

Come June, I will be done with classes (I'm not taking any summer courses), Vid will be only teaching 1 course (summer session) & my in-laws will be back in India, 10 time zones away. :)

June will also mark 3 years of TTC for us. That's a long time. But if it works, that means by this time next year I'll be holding a baby (or 2; hopefully no more than that) in my arms.

The Oscars have nothing to do with infertility

2011-03-06T11:41:00.004-05:00

Or do they?

From one of my fave sites, STFU Parents:

My thoughts?

It's so unfair that she not only gets an Oscar, but gets an "oops" baby too.

But that's ok; Colin Firth & Christian Bale make everything better. :)

Ah, to be clueless

2011-03-02T20:23:00.002-05:00

Tonight in my theories of psychotherapy class we were talking about PCT (person-centered therapy). One of the hallmarks of this kind of therapy is empathy, which can be defined as the ability to recognize & share feelings with a patient. The professor used an example of a therapist he knew professionally who was doing couples therapy with a man & woman who were having marital difficulties due to being unable to have a baby. No biggie right? Wrong!

This therapist was herself pregnant & as time went on this became more obvious as her belly grew. My professor said such a situation may make it difficult for the patient to believe the therapist had empathy for their situation. While I concurred with him, I also couldn't keep my big mouth shut & asked him if she knew if this therapist had disclosed her pregnancy to the couple; he did not. Someone else in class piped up about how that was really none of their business & I almost cut a bitch, but then thought the better of it. Instead, I explained to this person (likely a fertile) that much like it wouldn't be acceptable for someone who is dealing with the loss of a baby to SIDS to have a therapist with pictures of his or her children prominently displayed in their office it isn't acceptable to me as an infertile to be continually subjected to reminders of what I don't have when I'm trying to feel better about myself & not leave therapy in tears.

Thankfully, my professor (a man; I don't know if he has kids or not) had my back on this. This also made me incredibly thankful for my therapist who has herself gone through IVF & eventually did conceive but has enough sense not to bring up her experience unless asked. Some people...

Still seeking stork

2011-02-27T13:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I was visiting with my BFF since he had custody of his kids this weekend. He has a 4 year old daughter & a 2 year old son (my godson) so there's lots of Disney stuff in his house. His kids popped "Dumbo" into the DVD player while I was over; it's easily been 20 years since I last saw it. Here's the opening scene:

As a child it never crossed my mind the heartache Dumbo's mom felt in the opening scene as all the other circus animals were visited by the stork, leaving her without a baby of her own. Now, as an infertile adult, I totally feel for her, even if she is just a cartoon elephant.

I want to register too, dammit!

2011-02-19T16:04:00.003-05:00

Planning has begun for my super awesome little sister's bridal shower. She's begun registering for the usual stuff, which I never got to do since my wedding shower was planned for when I was visiting my parents' place as I lived in the Midwest @ the time. My lovely friends & family got us plenty of gift cards (which was awesome) so I wouldn't have to haul back a U-Haul full of stuff. Of course, 1 week before my shower Vid got unexpectedly laid off & we ended up moving back to New England. I was kind of sad I never got to register for our wedding but figured I'd more than make up for it when we registered for a baby shower.

Well, several years & numerous dates with the transvaginal ultrasound wand later, I realize that may also not happen. Which gave me an idea: why the hell I can't I register for IVF? If Aunt So-and-so is buying her a Kichen Aid mixer, why can't I get some Lupron out of the deal too?

Don't get me wrong; I'm well aware of how fortunate I am to have 80% coverage for infertility. But consider that IVF can cost between $10-20,000 per attempt (yes, attempt; as in "not guaranteed to work") & my co-pay works out to $2,000 at the bare minimum. And we are not made of money by any means: we rent our duplex (since what money we tried to save for a house has gone to infertility treatments), Vid drives my old car (14 years & well over 100k miles on it) & I drive a small Hyundai with 3 years of payments left on it. $2000 is just about my take home pay for a month after taxes. Scary.

Maybe I'll just slip these into my sister's invites (tee hee!):

Well, that won't be us either.

2011-02-15T21:35:00.002-05:00

From the lovely folks @ CNN:

11-11-11: How to get the coolest birthday for your baby

And the worst part?

Knowing some stupid fertile will decide her kid like totally needs to have a super cute birthday, have sex once & get exactly what she wants.

I don't care what birthday my future kid gets; I'll take anything!

Having an unhappy period

2011-02-13T21:04:00.003-05:00

Aunt Flo showed up on Friday 2 days early. Thankfully I have a stash of tampons in my desk @ work so I was able to stave off bleeding through my jeans. Unfortunately my undies did not fair so well. Since I wasn't expecting AF for 2 days I wasn't wearing my "meh" underwear: you know, the pairs that are well worn & on their way out anyways that you specifically wear when AF is in town so you don't ruin a new pair.

If that wasn't sucky enough I find out that cousin who got married in May & is due at the end of the month had her baby in the afternoon when I stopped @ my parents' house on the way home from work to pick up something. She apparently went into labor that morning & had the kid not even 8 hours later. I give myself props for @ least being able to hold in my tears until I got home.

And to top it all off, my other cousin who is also due @ the end of the month (the day before the cousin who had her baby on Friday) is being induced tomorrow because her OB/GYN is going on vacation when she is due & she needs him (her? I don't know if the doc is male or female) to deliver her as she is on state medical insurance & the other docs @ the practice aren't. Don't even get me started on knowingly getting knocked up with baby #2 (@ least she's married) when you can't afford to deliver on your own dime, but inducing someone because you're going on vacation is just ridiculous.

All of this is not helping my diet to get off the last bit of weight to be able to do IVF, of course. Tonight I start my BCPs meaning there will be no 2011 baby for us, just as there was no 2009 or 2010 baby. I'll be on them for 2 months since Vid has to travel for work next month (it's a great opportunity & I'm completely fine with putting off our cycle for a few weeks) but they're ultra low dose (Apri) so I shouldn't oversupress my ovaries. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact this is what getting pregnant has come to for us.

Thankfully I have therapy after work on Tuesday; I really need it this week.

Cross cultural infertility

2011-02-08T20:35:00.005-05:00

Besides having a real, live child of my own, another thing I often dream about is travel. And by travel, I don't mean 5-star, all-inclusive resorts. I much prefer places where I am crammed into a 15-passenger mini-bus with 20 people, their luggage, several chickens pecking @ my feet & an angry baby camel strapped to the roof bleating for 5 hours pretty much nonstop. And yes, all of that actually happened in a magical place called Burkina Faso. :)

Vid & I have often talked about living abroad in the future. I've lived in several African locales for extended periods of time & he's been living abroad as an Indian in the US for almost a decade now. But right now packing up & leaving is not an option so instead I check in on some of the International Nesties every so often.

One of the ladies I lovingly stalk is Melaina @ Transatlantic Blonde as she & I started on a TTC board around the same time. She lives in Glasgow with her Scottish hubby & 1/2 Scottish baby (LOL). She recently had another international lady do a guest post on her blog which really hit home for me. Sandy @ How Beautiful Are The Feet lives in Namibia with her husband (both Americans) as a church planter.

Sandy's guest post was on her own experience with infertility & that of a friend in Namibia who lives a traditional lifestyle. I've copies it below to share it with my followers as I think it's spectacular & felt like expounding on it a bit. It's nice to actually get to use that not-quite-PhD in anthropology for something even if it is just on a blog post! Here's Sandy's post:

I usually write about life in Namibia and what is going on in the lives of the students that my husband and I work with. Not many people know about our struggle to get pregnant, and it is not something I have discussed on my blog. When Blondie presented the opportunity to write a guest spot for her I thought it would be a great way to share some of the things I have noticed in dealing with IF in a foreign country.

In 2002, when I lived in Namibia, I met a lady who could not have children. Her name is Watjantja, she lives in Swartbooisdrif, one of the most remote villages in Namibia. There are no medical doctors there; in fact, there are no fertility specialists in the entire country of Namibia. In the Himba culture (recently showed in the movie “Babies”) children are life. Without children you are doomed to be forgotten. Her husband did what almost any Himba husband in that situation would do, he took a second wife who bore him many children without any problem. At the time I was sad for her, but I could never grasp the full force of the devastation behind her expression as she told us all of this.

Fast forward to 2009, my husband and I are about to finish college and we are finally ready to begin our family. I remember that day like it was yesterday, we sat in a restaurant and decided that it was finally time to start trying. The absolute possibilities of what that decision meant for our future made both of us cry. Now here I sit at the beginning of 2011, it has been almost two years and we are no closer to having our family than we were that day in the restaurant. In the last two years I have had several diagnoses thrown at me from doctors thousands of miles apart. (Including PCOS, Endometriosis and Anovulation “here have some Clomid!!!”) Who knew that trying to have a baby included so many needles and an absolute stripping down of one’s dignity?

In 2010 we returned to Swartbooisdrif, Watjantja’s village. She was still there, as barren as ever. When she saw me her eyes lit up, then she looked down at my arms searching for a child. When our eyes met again she read me like a book, her expression said : “You are like me aren’t you?” In an instant she recognized the pain, the emptiness, the hopelessness, and the loneliness in my eyes and in my empty arms. Watjantja can speak no English and through a translator she said “Don’t be like me!” To this day it is one of the hardest and most comforting things I have experienced on this road of infertility.

The one lesson I have learned in dealing with IF and traveling across the world is that women of every culture language color and economic standing share the same feeling of emptiness and heartache when it comes to IF. Anywhere on earth you will be able to find someone who has been touched by this relentless pain and someone who, without having to say anything, can understand the hurt that you are feeling.

After reading her post I must admit I teared up a bit; it really hit home on so many levels. Once I regained my composure, I headed to my basement where the walls are lined with bookshelves as I felt moved to revisit the long abandoned anthropology texts dealing with reproduction. I find it ironic that even before I had issues with getting pregnant the whole process of baby making was fascinating to me, but I digress.

Anthropology as a discipline is usually divided into 4 sub-disciplines: biological, socio-cultural, linguistic & archaeology. The boundaries of these areas are very fluid & it is common for an anthropologist to jump between them. I concentrated on socio-cultural & biological, the combo of which is sometimes thought of as "medical anthropology". I was & still am infatuated with the intersection between cultural beliefs & medical diagnoses/treatments. Hence, infertility in non-Western cultures is both an academic & personal pursuit of mine, as I am married to someone from another culture & country than mine.

Within these 4 sub-disciplines, infertility can be seen through a different lens. In socio-cultural, we can look @ cultural attitudes towards infertility as a disease & those who suffer from infertility. Biologically we can explore reasons for said infertility & possible treatments. Linguistically we can learn about the special language of infertility with acronyms galore (PCOS, IVF, etc.). And we can even learn from the past about historic infertiles via archaeology: think about all the infertile women in the Bible, for example.

Thinking about how the experience of infertility really is a shared feeling of hurt & longing, I remembered 1 book right off the bat: Baba of Karo most likely because it's essentially an oral history in written form of a Hausa woman, a language which I used to speak "dha kyau" (very well) for an "ansara" (white lady).

Like many well off Hausa women, her marriage was polygynous as her husband could afford more than 1 wife; up to 4 are allowed under Islamic law. Women who live in such a setting don't commonly distinguish between their biological kids & any others in the household; in fact, it is quite common for them to nurse children they did not actually bear. But Baba could never nurse these other children as she herself had never been pregnant.

What's interesting is that in the book infertility is everywhere but not there @ the same time. By that I mean Baba's childlessness makes her an "other" (to give a nod to Edward Said's "Orientalism") in her own country. Even now, the Hausa of Niger have among the highest fertility rates in the world, averaging over 8 children per woman, which doesn't even take into account the numerous miscarriages & stillbirths many women in Africa deal with due to a lack of prenatal care. And even as an "other" in her own culture, it's interesting (suspicious?) that the author didn't write about Baba's thoughts and feelings on her infertility or that Baba never mentioned it to the author. Perhaps it was because of the time in which the book was written & published (1950s/60s)? I dunno.

She was married 4 times total; all of her co-wives had born children yet she never was able to. But in her 4 divorces not 1 seems to be directly related to her infertility; rather, it was (and in some Hausa subcultures, is) acceptable for people to marry & remarry @ will. This of course flies in the face of the widely hold Western notion that Muslim women have no free will of their own. Think about it: even with an inability to reproduce she still had a high worth as a member of society & was well respected by co-wives & others in the community.

Even if she couldn't give birth herself, she could still be an excellent mother in many ways. She taught her co-wives' children the ways of their culture & taught the girls of her compound how to be a good wife (and maybe mother) some day too.

It was common until recently for Hausa families to give extra children to infertile friends or relatives to be raised as their own. In Baba's case, she adopted her son, a young freed male slave, of a family member. Even though everyone knew he was adopted, "Malam gave Usuman to be my son, just as if I had borne him". Although I'm not a huge Oprah fan, I do love her quote that "Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother"; this is especially true in Baba's case.

So here I sit, a Catholic American, married once, post-graduate educated, sharing my infertility with a Muslim Hausa, 4-times divorced, illiterate woman who's been dead for over half a century. It's amazing what a blog post can conjure up. And very profound as well.

Blog Awards

2011-02-06T14:02:00.003-05:00

Several readers have been kind enough to give this blog awards in the past few weeks. I've been meaning to acknowledge them but haven't been online much lately since the new semester has started & I've been busy with classes when I'm not working. So here we go!

Shout out/thank you for awarding me to:

Emily @ Em&M, plain or peanut?
Her story of success after infertility gives me hope. And her son is so cute!

Kerrik @ Uncommon Nonsense.
A fellow PCOSer with a great sense of humor!

ADSchill @ MissConception.
I don't think there's a topic she hasn't covered; a truly all-encompassing blog!

And now I'm supposed to share 7 things about myself. If you've read this blog for any length of time you already know I'm not a shrinking violet so this will be no problem for me...

My 7 things:
1. I love Dunkin Donuts coffee with all my heart. One of the major reasons I hated living in the Midwest for grad school was there were no Dunkin Donuts for several hours form where I lived. I often thought about opening one near campus for all the other East Coasters who also missed the Nectar of the Gods.
2. I only shave during warm weather, meaning both legs and pits. My ladygarden is always neatly trimmed but I've never waxed it off; I don't want to look like I'm 5. If people wouldn't look @ me weird during bathing suit season for not shaving I'd probably never shave @ all.
3. I lived for 3 months in Niger without running water as a grad student. I was fine with this, but it was still slightly disturbing to finally take a shower after all that time (I'd been taking "bucket baths") & discover how my awesome tan was really just a lot of sand & dirt from the Sahara.
4. I'm Irish, Portuguese & Hawaiian. My husband is Tamil. I cannot wait to see what our kids will look like if we ever get to have biological children. We could end up with every color of the rainbow!
5. My hair is very long (about 3 inches above my butt crack) & has been for most of my life. I fully plan on being a little old lady with gorgeous long silver hair even if it is a PITA to brush.
6. I don't get circumcision AT ALL. Why would one cut off a perfectly healthy & functional body part? As an American, I know this makes me kind of weird, since most of the men in my generation (born in the 70's) are circumcised. But cut penises have always looked weird (butchered?) to me. I don't know if it was an accident that I married a Hindu (a religion that does not circumcise) or not but I am so glad I'm not going to have to battle Vid about leaving our son's foreskin alone if we ever have a boy.
7. Even though I know @ this point I have a better chance of winning the lottery than actually getting pregnant on my own & having it stick, I still play phantom due date every cycle: I look up what interesting events have taken place or what famous people were born on my potential due date.

And now for the awards:

1. Jill @ Already a Family.

2. Chrissy @ Trying to Get a Bun in My Oven.

3. Katie @ The Life I Have Imagined.

4. Heather @ Some Womb Thoughts.

5. Papps @ Our Arduous Journey.

If you're new to any of the above blogs, check them out!

3 years ago today...

2011-02-01T16:53:00.003-05:00

I married the sweetest, kindest, cutest & most annoying man on earth. And arguably the nerdiest as well. Need proof? He marked our anniversary this morning by sending me this:

Blasphemy!

2011-01-30T13:44:00.002-05:00

Amusing blasphemy, that is. :)

But in all seriousness, here's a great article sent to me by a fellow Catholic infertile. And although I am no theologian, I am very well versed in my faith. And because of that, quotes like this make me nuts:

In 1987, the Vatican released Instructions on Respect for Human Life in its Origin and on the Dignity of Procreation, a position paper devised to explain the Church's stance on several medical procedures. In it, the Papacy describes IVF — which results in the creation and destruction of embryos — as a "dynamic of violence and domination."

Yes, IVF results in the creation and possible destruction of embryos. Note how I added "possible". Why? Because not every IVF necessarily results in this. Some women only get 2 embryos out of an IVF cycle. And such a woman PRAYS that those 2 will implant & grow when they are transferred, however this is not guaranteed. We have experienced TREMENDOUS amounts of heartache trying to have children. More often than not, we have also handed over huge amount of money in the hopes of becoming a parent. Our goal most certainly IS NOT destruction of embryos. I just don't get why the Vatican would think that?!?!?

Regardless of how one tries to build a family, this much I know: it is done out of love. And isn't that the greatest gift of all? At least that's what I remember from CCD.

IVF=/= triplets

2011-01-23T16:40:00.003-05:00

I stole this ad from another PCOS blog I follow:

The ad is from a bank in New Zealand.

I'm giving them the side-eye for using the stereotype that anyone & everyone who does IVF magically get mutiples, but at least they got the part about having to sell off everything you owe if you have to afford IVF right!

No vagina? No problem!

2011-01-19T21:36:00.002-05:00

So here's a headline for you:

Oral Sex, a Knife Fight and Then Sperm Still Impregnated Girl

Say what?!?! No really; here's the article.

Is it wrong I'm kind of jealous?

Clowns? Really? Huh.

2011-01-16T10:28:00.003-05:00

I don't know about you, but I'm not a fan of clowns. It's not that I have a fear of them, although I know many people who do. I just don't find them funny. Even when I was a kid & my parents would take us to the circus they were my least favorite act. Come to think of it, most people I know don't particuarly enjoy clowns, which is why I give this study on IVF success & medical clowning (yes, I know) a serious side eye:

"In a study of 219 women undergoing IVF, Israeli researchers found the odds of success were greater among women who were entertained by a professional 'medical clown' right after they had the embryos implanted in the womb.

Overall, 36 percent became pregnant, versus 20 percent of women who'd had a comedy-free recovery after embryo implantation."

I'd love to know what kind of a routine a "medical clown" does that almost doubles the success rate. I rather enjoy Monty Python myself, or perhaps Eddie Izzard, but not balloon animals & 30 people piling out of a VW Bug. I'll have to see if I can get my hands on the study for details.

Aakkapporthuavanukku aaraporukkavillai

2011-01-13T19:04:00.004-05:00

This weekend marks Pongal, which is basically Thanksgiving in my husband's culture. Tomorrow is also Vid's 31st birthday, so for the next 3 months we'll both be the same age & he can't call me a "cougar"; LOL.

I don't think I've ever posted a photo of him here in the 3 years I've had a blog; have I? Well, better late than never I guess! Here we are @ a friend's wedding last year:

I've been trying to learn more Tamil than just the few survival phrases & curse words I already know. I've been putting more effort into this lately as it looks like my mom-in-law will FINALLY be coming to the US for cancer treatments when Vid's sister comes back from India next month. Amma ("mom" in Tamil) speaks English well enough but she's very bashful about her ability so hopefully my effort will make her feel more @ home. Btw, the name of this blog is actually a Tamil pet name my hubby gave me.

I got a few books from the library in addition to 1 I picked up in India when we were there in 2009. One of the books I've bee using has proverbs in it. Here's one I came across the other day:

ஆக்கப்பொறுத்தவனுக்கு ஆறப்பொறுக்கவில்லை

("Aakkapporthuavanukku aaraporukkavillai" is how you say it in Tamil.)

"He could wait for the food to be cooked, but couldn't wait for it cool down" is the literal translation.

In layman's terms, it's translated as "You waited this much, wait just a bit more".

Waiting just a bit more? Heck I've been waiting for almost 3 years now. But it looks like the wait will be over soon because...

I got word yesterday that I will be going on BCPs next month for IVF. That means we'll likely be doing the ER & ET @ some point in March; my birthday is in April so I'm hoping for a birthday BFP & a sticky baby (or 2) that could be here in time for Christmas 2011. Do you think it's too early to start writing Santa?

The Island of Hope

2011-01-12T19:14:00.002-05:00

I don't know if this film will be screened locally (I['ve never heard of the studio that made it) but I hope so: