IUI #8

Yesterday morning's monitoring appt showed 1 follie on righty (18) & 2 on lefty (18 & 21). E2 was 721. Triggered when I got home from work last night. Vid's post wash count was 71 million when we had our IUI this morning. I start Endometrin 2x daily on Saturday. Beta is 7/5. Will my 4th of July be ruined? Stay tuned & find out!

On Father's Day...

This is my first post on my wife's blog. She asked me to write about my thoughts & feelings on Father's Day as we have been trying to have a child for 3 years now. I am not the best writer as English is my 3rd language so hopefully you can understand this.

When I first got married I was unemployed so my priorities & thinking were not really oriented towards procreation. Obviously, one needs a job to survive so that you take care of your loved ones. Once I got a job, still my thinking was more oriented towards stability of my job. But, my wife was already planning for a great future & a big family. So, we started trying to have a baby.

As time progressed, I saw & endured all the pain she took trying to become a mother.
Trust me; it is a heavy feeling. I already suffer from depression & sleepless nights because I think about my terminally ill mom every night. I also think a lot about my wife & how much she wants to be a mom; it makes me sad. My wife & I have gone through a lot for a newborn baby of our own; it will be unfair if we don't get it. I still do not understand why we have to go through all of this; we have done nothing wrong.

Today is Fathers Day: a great day for every father, a day for them to be proud of their offspring. Father's Day makes every dad feel that there is somebody to love
apart from the woman to whom he is married. His worries & pain fades away when he sees the face of the kid he created; he sees hope for the future. It makes him want to be a good man. It reorients him & renews his faith in him and his family. I really pray by next Fathers Day I will be father with my wife becoming a mother. We will be the happiest parents on earth.

Group therapy

I went to my 1st infertility group session on Tuesday night after my 1-on-1 session. So, Tuesday is now known as "infertile day" around these parts, though the reality is I'm infertile all day, every day. Plus let's not forget I work full time doing psych research.

The group was recommended to me by my 1-on-1 therapist. This particular doctor has done groups like this for over a decade & did her post-doc @ Dr. Alice Domar's Center for Mind/Body Health. She does groups on a rolling basis with each lasting about 10 sessions over 20 weeks.

It's a very diverse group all around of about a dozen women. We in age from late 20s to early 40s. Some of us have male factor, others female; others still are unexplained. Some are just beginning treatment while others have failed multiple IVFs. Some of us are in the middle of a cycle (me) while others are trying to decide if they are ever going to cycle again. Some have had multiple miscarriages while others have never been pregnant.

It's at times like this when I'm grateful to live in a part of the country with access to so many doctors & other medical professionals that give me the opportunity to particiapte in something like this. While I do enjoy going to regional infertility get-togethers once or twice a year with ladies I know from a message board, having more regular "in-the-flesh" contact with my fellow infertiles will be awesome. Obviously I won't be going into specifics about people in the group but if a topic comes up or I learn something I think may be useful to others I will certainly post about it here.

A serious talk

After this last BFN, I sat down with Vid & laid it all out: I'm getting towards the end of my rope. I told him as of the end of this year, I'm basically done with fertility treatments; that should give us enough room for 2 IVF attempts. After that if we have any frozen embies for FETs I'll try with them until they're gone, but that's that.

And surprisingly, Vid was understanding. He said he doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to; that he knew this whole process was really getting to me. He told me he was sorry I had to go through this, that he hates seeing me on an emotional roller coaster cycle after cycle. He wanted me to know he didn't blame me for not being able to have kids since neither of us knew when we started that conceiving would be an issue for us.

I told him I just wish that we were normal, that we could just get pregnant: no meds, no doctors; just us as a married couple, starting a family of our own. I wish that I didn't feel completely out of place among my friends with children who haven't got a clue what it's like to not know if you'll ever experience a child kick you from the inside. I wish I didn't have to block friends on Facebook just because I can't deal with seeing another growing belly that isn't mine. I wish that family gatherings were no longer events of dread about when another relative would announce they were expecting a bundle of joy & I would have to excuse myself to sob in the bathroom.

But all the wishing in the world won't make a child. For whatever reason, we've been given this challenge in our marriage. In the sickness of infertility & for the poorer it has made us financially, we made a vow to each other to face it together. Vid says he loves me no matter what & that we'll figure this all out, somehow. And he's right: I will be a mother & he will be a father someday, it's just taking a whole lot longer & cost us a whole lot more money than we ever planned.

And I love Vid no matter what too. One of the big reasons I married him was he's such a sweet guy: he is very gentle & caring. Even though he's not the best at expressing himself verbally (I often tell him he has diarrhea of the mouth as he goes on & on about nothing, sometimes completely forgetting what he was talking about) he has the patience of a saint & gives great hugs. He would be such a great dad, which is why this whole TTC process is killing me.

3 years of TTC.

IUI #7 is a

B
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F
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N.

What else is new, right?

Apparently 22 million sperm cannot manage to fertilize 1 fucking egg out of 4 mature follies in an organ the size of a pear.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Against my better judgement, we're doing 1 more IUI since I have leftover Follistim & Endometrin to use up. After that, it's IVF time, even though it makes me want to vomit thinking about how much $ that will cost us.

I don't think Vid truly "gets it". He keeps talking about how "It's got to happen for you; I know how much you want a baby", but obviously all the wanting in the world does not a baby make. I don't want to be mean, but I feel like I really need to have a serious, blunt talk with him about how if we're not pregnant by the end of this year, I'm done trying. And if he can't get over that & move on to adoption, then perhaps we need to re-evaluate our marriage.

I hate infertility.

PANDAS!!!

Don't get excited: there is nothing to report. I have not peed on anything yet & am unsure if I will before beta on Wednesday. I keep going back & forth between hope & despair.

In the meantime, we're trying to enjoy our time in Washington D.C. Guess what we're doing tomorrow? GOING TO SEE THE PANDAS! Can you tell I'm excited? Not only are they cute, but they also have a horrible time getting pregnant. To quote from the National Zoo's website: "Female pandas ovulate only once a year, in the spring. A short period of two to three days around ovulation is the only time she is able to conceive." Poor pandas. :(