So back home on the East Coast there's been much ado about Hurricane Irene. Although it was only a Category 1 @ landfall, there was widespread wind damage, flooding & power outages. My parents have been babysitting the dog & cat; they got power back this morning. My mom called my landlords (the live in the other half of our duplex) & our neighborhood is still without power. I just pray my deep freezer full of food in the basement doesn't go south; the landlord said the electric company was working on restoring power in our neighborhood later today. Where my aunt lives (one of the islands) they're not expecting power to be restored until the weekend. I can't wait for all the surprise BFPs in the coming months & the assault on my infertile senses via Facebook 9 months from now full of newborn pics. Yes, that last remark was meant to be sarcastic; Blogger really needs a font for that.

Shit, shit & more shit (a.k.a. this is getting old!)

Greetings from India. All is as well as can be hoped for now. Mamayar (mother-in-law in Tamil) is doing decent. She's eating a very limited diet (fruit & rice) in small portions due to severe nausea. She's also got pretty bad vertigo & stays in bed a lot; Vid says she has not left the apartment in over a month. We are meeting the doctor from which they got a 2nd opinion tomorrow for results of her liver & lung biopsy. If they can pinpoint a gene (there are 3) they *might* be able to buy her some time, meaning at most a year. If they can't link her cancer to 1 of the 3 common ones then there's literally nothing more they can do. We are all obviously praying she's got 1 of the 3. However, my faith in general has been severely shaken in the past couple of days not because of cancer, but because of infertility.

This past week, I've had 3 friends experience pregnancy loss & 1 who is in a very delicate state. One friend lost her twins with little warning @ 18 weeks, another lost a singleton @ 9 weeks & yet another a singleton again @ 14 weeks. My friend in a delicate state has a funneling cervix @ 20 weeks of gestation with twins & can use all the good vibes you could spare her.

True, most long time infertiles such as myself are battle-hardened, as we go through cycle after cycle of BFNs. We are very aware of the fact our condition is delicate for the first couple of months & often don't tell people our wonderful news until we're out of the perceived danger zone, usually sometime after the 1st tri is over. And just when we're getting used to the fact this may finally have worked (*gasp*!), we wake up to severe bleeding or go to a routine appt where a heartbeat cannot be detected.

I ache for these women. They've done all they humanly could to give their baby or babies the best possible & yet it wasn't good enough. Why? Saying "goodbye" before you get to say "hello" is so cruel, especially after you've waited so long for that "hello" to finally come.

And it really makes me wonder if I'm cut out for IVF with ICSI? I mean, my RE says it will give me my best shot @ getting pregnant, but then what? Because I don't want to be pregnant if it won't end with a living, breathing being lying on my chest. I'm more than prepared for another BFN since that's all I've ever known, but after 3+ years of TTC I don't know if I can handle a loss. I've actually told Vid I would not be surprised if I ended up in a psych hospital, which would be awkward for many reasons: I may very well see my own patients there or I may have a colleague giving me Haldol injections so I can zone out!

In all seriousness, it's times like these when I wonder if taking a break from all things infertility would be a good thing: a break from message boards, a break from therapy, a break from blogging. Out of sight, out of mind? If only it were that simple. I live in a real world with real people & as much as I'd like to climb under a rock some days I know it doesn't work that way. Doing so won't give these women their babies back. And it won't give me the child I want so very much. Plus, if it were me in their situation, I'd want the support of my fellow infertiles in my most difficult times.

So as much as I'd love to go, I'm staying right here.

See you on the flip side (literally)

I'm be leaving for the airport in a few hours. I'll be dropping off the pets @ my parents house to babysit while we're gone. All you have to say is "grandma" & my dog gets VERY excited so they'll be fine but I will miss them; they are my "children", after all. I'll go have lunch with the parents & then they'll drop me off @ the airport. So, the next time you'll here from me, I'll literally be on the other side of the world.

My status? Eff you, ovaries!

Did you hear? Facebook has added an "expecting" status for women who are pregnant. Now not only can you bombard infetiles with baby pics, you can also mock us with the child you have in utero! Because apparently using your ultrasound as a profile photo isn't obnoxious enough. (Note to self: if I ever get pregnant, I pinky swear NOT to do this). Remind me why I have Facebook again? It seems like the only pregnant women I haven't "hidden" are my fellow infertiles who for the most part aren't obnoxious about their pregnancies. I wonder how long it will take them to add a "shitty eggs" option?

Early bird catches the sperm

Favorite line: "My cervical mucus is as thick as peanut butter"; LMAO!

"My Future Baby": a film

*unsubscribe*

I love Aziz Ansari & not just because my husband looks like a chubby version of him. They are even from the same city in India & from the same ethnic group even though Aziz is Muslim & Vid is Hindu. And even though babies don't scare me like they do him, I appreciate his comment about how he wants to click "unsubscribe" every time one of his friends sends him an e-mail announcing their new bundle of joy:

Well, that was a terrible idea

We usually go to temple every month or so & then out to eat @ a South Indian restaurant nearby that has a fabulous vegetarian buffet lunch. This temple is about an hour's drive & Vid prefers it as it's mostly southerners (his "people") versus the much closer, much smaller temple which is mostly attended by northerners. Vid asked me if we could go this weekend since our original plans to catch a baseball game (the Boston Red Sox minor league farm team) were quashed by pouring rain yesterday, so off we went.

He lasted not even 10 minutes before he told me "I need to go". As soon as he got in the car, he started crying. I had no idea what was up. He told me after he got his bearings, "Look @ all of the 70 year old women in there playing with their grandkids. My mom will never have that."

He had a point. And I felt sorry for him, but also reminded him that coming to temple has not been easy for me for a very long time either. It's no secret how much I've come to loathe any kind of religious gathering place because it seems any woman under the age of 40 is either pregnant or has a small child.

I feel like between his mom's impending death & our struggles with infertility we're living in exile from normal society. There are so few places that are "old women, pregnant women & small children free" & really, I don't WANT to not be around such people, but I also need to protect my psyche as well as my husband's.

Oh, & I've been eating far too much ice cream as a "coping mechanism", which is not good since IVF is just around the corner. I've always been an emotional eater & the past few weeks have NOT helped. Seriously, buy stock in Ben & Jerry's if you can; you'll make millions off my misery.

But seriously, I think I'm self sabotaging myself in a way because I really don't want to do IVF but my husband does. And with his mom's situation, he's even more gung-ho about having a genetic child as a way of his mom continuing on even after she's gone. I just want a kid. Period. I'm burnt out. I surrender to the utter suckage that are my girly bits. I pray every day he just says "Fuck it: let's adopt" but I know it's not going to happen.

At any rate, our tickets to India are booked at least. Vid's leaving this Friday & I'm leaving next since I need a visa to travel & wanted some extra time to have it processed just to be on the safe side. We'll be coming back together. I will have internet connection there but obviously given the situation I don't know how often or timely my postings will be. Any prayers for MIL's comfort that you could spare would be much appreciated.

Preparing for the inevitable

MIL was supposed to go in tomorrow (well, really today in India) for bloodwork, a scan & some other tests to see if the massive doses of chemo & radiation she got a couple of weeks ago did anything to slow the cancer spread. She was having trouble breathing the other night so FIL took her to the hospital. I had a feeling this would not be good; I was right. The cancer has spread to her liver & lungs. The doctor is telling us she has weeks, or at most 3 months.

So, I just completed my online visa application (thank God; dealing with the Indian embassy over the phone or in person should count towards time in Purgatory). We'll be booking tickets tomorrow when Vid gets paid since this is going to cost more than we currently have in the bank. SIL (who lives in DC) is doing the same. I expect to be on a plane by next weekend.

Of course Vid is beside himself. I'm trying my best to be supportive but also trying to get him to see MIL & FIL's affairs need to be put in order while we're there so FIL doesn't get screwed again like he did years ago when one of his brothers sues him for his land & somehow won. This may sound strange to the uninitiated into Indian bureaucracy, but it's actually not uncommon. Click here if you want more info.

FIL was a very smart man back in the 1970s when land was dirt cheap. There;s really no such thing as 401K's in India so people tend to buy land, jewelry, etc. as a means of savings. Of course, Indian record keeping also sucks, so he lost some of it to his brother's scheming. They still have a lot, much of it beach front(although the palms got taken out by the tsunami) which needs to be protected in case FIL ever needs to "cash in" for his care down the road. Of course, this is the furthest thing from his mind right now so I've volunteered to deal with this, God help me. I've asked the local Indian association here for elder care/estate lawyers in Tamil Nadu as even though MIL is a lawyer that is not her specialty. And on the off chance someone reading this blog knows of such a lawyer, by all means leave me the info in a comment.

So we are truly preparing for the end now. And although I was never "close" with MIL, she is still Vid's mom. And he's so, so upset, which makes me upset. And I'm upset @ the universe for making this happen so soon. She's only 56: never drank, never smoked, ate only seafood & was always very active, so pray tell why is this happening? The world is truly an effed up place.