When is enough really, truly enough?

When I first started this blog about 4 years ago, we were newly married & assumed we'd get pregnant like everyone else.  As the months passed & the pregnancy tests continued to be negative, this blog morphed into one dedicated to my experience with infertility.  Now after multiple failed treatment cycles & facing our 4th "trying-to-conceive-iversary" this summer, each time I post here is a constant reminder of how I'm still fighting the infertile fight.  And it sucks.

The vast majority of my infertile friends IRL & on the interwebs who read this have gone on  to have children.  Hell, some are on pregnancy #2 or #3 now.  And while I look to their stories of success for hope, I also realize that someone has to be on the crappy end of the odds.  Do I accept the short end of the stick & move on child-free?  Some days I want to honestly.  I want to be done.  I want this chapter of my life to end.  But trying to imagine a world in which I'm never called "mom"?  I can't fathom it, but with every passing cycle it crosses my mind several times.

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks; I'll be 33, which is so not old.  But it really feels like the clock is ticking now.  Why is this birthday different from the others I've had?  Perhaps failing IVF has done more damage to my psyche than I want to admit.

I also feel like seeing a therapist is no longer doing anything for me.  Don't get me wrong: I think having done therapy with an infertility specialist who herself has gone through it has been helpful.  I just feel it might be time to move on.  The sessions have become routine & it seems like we talk about a lot of stuff over & over again.  Perhaps this is the biggest indicator that I am getting close to being done: talking about infertility has become a job: I show up @ the same time every week & we talk about the same things.  And do I really need another reminder of what I don't have?

Where do bad infertiles go when they die?

Disney World!

So if you're wondering why I've been a slacker when it comes to blogging these past few weeks, the answer is two-fold: I was away in Florida for a work/fun combo trip & then we hosted Japanese teachers who were here as part of an exchange program.

My work trip was to Orlando & actually @ one of the Disney resorts.  We got a discount @ the hotel for a few nights the weekend prior to the conference.  Neither Vid or I have ever been to Disney & honestly I was kind of "meh" about going to any of the parks but my husband is really a 5 year old child @ heart so we went. 

1st observation: man is Disney World expensive!  People must take out a second mortgage to afford it.  And if you know me, I'm pretty well traveled but even with my looking for coupons before we left it was still by far the most over priced place I've ever been to...& I've been on 4 continents.

2nd observation: it really is true; everyone but us has children.  Well, that may be a bit of an overstatement.  But as an infertile of almost 4 years with a recently failed IVF, if you wanted me to confess to a crime, telling me I would have to spend another weekend @ Disney would do it.  

And stupid me looking for an ornament (I collect one from everywhere we travel) @ the Christmas store in Downtown Disney!  "Baby's 1st trip to Disney" ornament = husband having to buy me a drink @ House of Blues when a woman with a newborn basically mowed me down to get one.

Infertiles: STEP AWAY FROM THE MOUSE!

The game of IVF

No, I have not lost it completely.  Well, maybe I have, but that's besdies the point.  I am actually working on this with a family friend who has worked (but was recently laid off) for years at a major toy company as a cost accountant.  If/when he gets called back to work, I am pitching it.  How else are we going to be able to afford God knows how many more treatment cycles or adoption? :P

We're on a break

So we're on a break from infertility treatment yet again.

I'm not thrilled with the lack of answers from Dr. W @ our WTF appt.  I guess I shouldn't be super surprised @ the lack of in-depth answers since her practice is huge & attached right to the major hospital in the area.  In fact, I'm going back to my old RE (Dr. D-W) when we do cycle again because she actually gives her patients a sign on to their medical records so we can see exactly what's going on with our blood work, etc.  This means I will have to fight our insurance company about covering anesthesia out of state but that's fine; if I'm not successful I'm now willing to foot an extra $800 OOP just to have a doc who actually talks to me like I'm not a complete idiot.  

But for now, we're on a break.  My flex medical acct reloads July 1 which will give us another almost completely paid for IVF cycle.  In the meantime we're both focused on losing some weight (Vid has actually recently been diagnosed with diabetes) & getting through the rest of our respective semesters.  Then we're going on a big break: a trip to France via Iceland.  I figured if I'm not pregnant after all the b.s. we just went through I deserve to enjoy wine & unpasteurized cheese!  

How the hell do you get to France via Iceland?  By flying Iceland Air!  It was the cheapest option for us anyways.  And the cool bonus is if you fly IA you can stop over in Iceland for up to a week @ no additional charge.  Sine we're staying for free with family friends in France that freed up a lot of moolah in our very bare bones budget.

When we get back from our travels in June we'll be cycling again.  In the meantime I need to call Dr. D-W to let her know wassup & schedule an appt to talk protocol options.  And if this IVF doesn't work, I'm thinking we're done with treatments.  But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  In the meantime, we're going to Iceland & France!!!