Monday, September 28, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Hope
I had yet another IUI this weekend. I started the Clomid a day earlier & went in for monitoring a day later than last cycle per my instructions. I had 5 follies, 4 of which were measuring 20mm or above, which is where they want to see them. The nurse, of course, warned me of the risk of multiples; I assured her we would welcome twins with open arms.
While sitting in the waiting room for the IUI I saw a little girl with a large, heavily tattooed man. I know some RE practices don't allow kids because it's hard for some IF girls to deal with the site of a baby when they're finding out yet another cycle is a BFN. I haven't gotten to that point yet & hope to God I never do. Normally I don't break the "code of silence" that seems to be pervasive in the RE office among patients but this little girl was sooooo cute; she reminded me of my little sister @ about 1 year of age with her big blue eyes, pigtails sticking out from either side of her hed & sucking on a pacifier.
I asked her "Did you come from here?" & her dad said she indeed did; they were back to try for another child. I told him where we were in our journey & he told me about theirs. They had been through 8 failed IUIs of varying degrees & 2 failed 3 day IVF transfers before finally having a successful 5 day IVF transfer. His daughter was originally a twin but her brother died in utero late in the 3rd trimester, his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Even after all they had been through, he had a smile on his face.
Just as he was finishing telling me his story I was called into the back as his wife came out of the door I was heading into. I wished him luck & he did the same. Hearing stories like that give me hope. Who knows, maybe we'll both get lucky?
While sitting in the waiting room for the IUI I saw a little girl with a large, heavily tattooed man. I know some RE practices don't allow kids because it's hard for some IF girls to deal with the site of a baby when they're finding out yet another cycle is a BFN. I haven't gotten to that point yet & hope to God I never do. Normally I don't break the "code of silence" that seems to be pervasive in the RE office among patients but this little girl was sooooo cute; she reminded me of my little sister @ about 1 year of age with her big blue eyes, pigtails sticking out from either side of her hed & sucking on a pacifier.
I asked her "Did you come from here?" & her dad said she indeed did; they were back to try for another child. I told him where we were in our journey & he told me about theirs. They had been through 8 failed IUIs of varying degrees & 2 failed 3 day IVF transfers before finally having a successful 5 day IVF transfer. His daughter was originally a twin but her brother died in utero late in the 3rd trimester, his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Even after all they had been through, he had a smile on his face.
Just as he was finishing telling me his story I was called into the back as his wife came out of the door I was heading into. I wished him luck & he did the same. Hearing stories like that give me hope. Who knows, maybe we'll both get lucky?
Friday, September 18, 2009
India, here we come!
I booked our tickets tonight. We'll be there for about 3 weeks @ the end of November/beginning of December. We're flying out of JFK as it's so much cheaper than Boston; my parents have graciously agreed to drive us the 3 hours to & fro the airport. My mom is pretty much a pro @ this from my grad school days when I was galavanting around Africa. Mercifully we only have 1 short layover each way (about 2 hours) in Abu Dhabi before continuing on to Chennai.
My husband hasn't been home in 8 years; he's going to be in for quite a shock, I'm sure. He watches bad Tamil movies & always comments on how different his hometown (a city of 6 million, really) looks from when he left to come to the US for grad school. In case you have no idea what Tamil movies are like, think Bollywood, with the random song & dance, along with bad acting over a 4 hour time span. I love my husband dearly, but I can't watch Indian movies without laughing hysterically @ the ridiculousness of them.
I just wish the reason for this trip was joyous. Stupidly, the only thing I can think about is my mother-in-law's hair: gorgeous, thick, long, wavy black hair. I really hope she doesn't lose it from the chemo or radiation; I will probably burst into tears if she's bald. It's such a part of her personality: bouncy, bubbly. Please, God, let her keep her hair.
My husband hasn't been home in 8 years; he's going to be in for quite a shock, I'm sure. He watches bad Tamil movies & always comments on how different his hometown (a city of 6 million, really) looks from when he left to come to the US for grad school. In case you have no idea what Tamil movies are like, think Bollywood, with the random song & dance, along with bad acting over a 4 hour time span. I love my husband dearly, but I can't watch Indian movies without laughing hysterically @ the ridiculousness of them.
I just wish the reason for this trip was joyous. Stupidly, the only thing I can think about is my mother-in-law's hair: gorgeous, thick, long, wavy black hair. I really hope she doesn't lose it from the chemo or radiation; I will probably burst into tears if she's bald. It's such a part of her personality: bouncy, bubbly. Please, God, let her keep her hair.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Bad things come in 3s, right?
* sigh *
Where to begin? Well, as you probably guessed from the awesome Photoshop picture above, yet another IUI bites the dust. No "happy birthday grandpa" card for my dad. Not too surprising since I was so sick for my IUI. Still, you'd think we'd maybe get something from 4 great looking follicles & 60 million sperm. Nada. Fuck.
* sigh again *
We will be doing another IUI this next cycle with the 100mg of Clomid & Ovidrel trigger, but this time we're adding Progesterone suppositories. Lovely. Pretty soon every orifice in my body will be involved in baby making. Thankfully I haven't had really bad side effects from the meds I've been on so far. The Metformin has some stomach issues associated with it but 99% of the time I'm fine. Clomid produces a low level head ache & apocalyptic dreams which aren't all that bad since I'm a Sci Fi fan anyways. It is a weird side effect though; I thought I was just going nuts but several other women on a website I frequent that have been on Clomid report experiencing the same thing.
So if still not being pregnant isn't bad enough, we get a phone call from my in-laws in India the day after my negative beta with not good news: my mother-in-law has bone cancer.
* more sighing *
She had breast cancer about 8 years ago but had a lumpectomy with other treatments & had since been given a clean bill of health. She was feeling pain in her joints that she thought was simple arthritis. Then she started losing weight & found a strange knot in the bone of one of her shoulders.
Shit.
At the moment we don't know exactly what we're dealing with; they are testing to see if it's contained to the one area, what stage it is, etc. She is now @ the hospital undergoing chemo & radiation. Thankfully, my in-laws live in Chennai where the best cancer treatment facility in all of India (and arguably in Asia) is located. Also, they are thankfully upper-middle class & can afford to pay for the treatments @ this private institution as the Indian public medical system is just plain awful. God I hope she pulls through.
So, we are hoping for the best but also preparing for the worst. She's only 55; the same age as my dad. I can't even imagine losing one of our parents now, especially before giving them the opportunity to hold a grandchild. As if I didn't put enough pressure on myself already with our infertility, this makes the guilt factor multiply by about a million.
* even more sighing *
With this unexpected news, we've begun to make contingency plans for a trip to India in the very near future. I've already talked to my HR about using some FMLA time & Vid is doing the same; my sister-in-law is planning for this also as she is in the DC area. So now I need to get a new passport & pay to have it expedited just in case. My old passport expired @ the end of 2008 & was in my maiden name; I figured I'd get a new one eventually, you know, when we planned a happy trip to India to show off a new baby. No such luck it looks.
I really can't deal with much more bad news...
* sigh again *
We will be doing another IUI this next cycle with the 100mg of Clomid & Ovidrel trigger, but this time we're adding Progesterone suppositories. Lovely. Pretty soon every orifice in my body will be involved in baby making. Thankfully I haven't had really bad side effects from the meds I've been on so far. The Metformin has some stomach issues associated with it but 99% of the time I'm fine. Clomid produces a low level head ache & apocalyptic dreams which aren't all that bad since I'm a Sci Fi fan anyways. It is a weird side effect though; I thought I was just going nuts but several other women on a website I frequent that have been on Clomid report experiencing the same thing.
So if still not being pregnant isn't bad enough, we get a phone call from my in-laws in India the day after my negative beta with not good news: my mother-in-law has bone cancer.
* more sighing *
She had breast cancer about 8 years ago but had a lumpectomy with other treatments & had since been given a clean bill of health. She was feeling pain in her joints that she thought was simple arthritis. Then she started losing weight & found a strange knot in the bone of one of her shoulders.
Shit.
At the moment we don't know exactly what we're dealing with; they are testing to see if it's contained to the one area, what stage it is, etc. She is now @ the hospital undergoing chemo & radiation. Thankfully, my in-laws live in Chennai where the best cancer treatment facility in all of India (and arguably in Asia) is located. Also, they are thankfully upper-middle class & can afford to pay for the treatments @ this private institution as the Indian public medical system is just plain awful. God I hope she pulls through.
So, we are hoping for the best but also preparing for the worst. She's only 55; the same age as my dad. I can't even imagine losing one of our parents now, especially before giving them the opportunity to hold a grandchild. As if I didn't put enough pressure on myself already with our infertility, this makes the guilt factor multiply by about a million.
* even more sighing *
With this unexpected news, we've begun to make contingency plans for a trip to India in the very near future. I've already talked to my HR about using some FMLA time & Vid is doing the same; my sister-in-law is planning for this also as she is in the DC area. So now I need to get a new passport & pay to have it expedited just in case. My old passport expired @ the end of 2008 & was in my maiden name; I figured I'd get a new one eventually, you know, when we planned a happy trip to India to show off a new baby. No such luck it looks.
I really can't deal with much more bad news...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
I already have a child; his name is Vid
IF truly is a different world. Sometimes, it's hard to keep a sense of humor when it seems the whole world gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have no business having kids. I've found several message boards online to be very helpful. I've also begun reading a couple of humorous IF books but IMHO there's not nearly enough books in this genre. My husband always says I should write a book; maybe I should?
Speaking of my husband, he continues to be my rock through all of this. Sometimes his childlike innocence is annoying; other times, it's just what I need to keep from screaming or crying. A perfect example of this is @ my IUI.
As I'm laying there with my legs in stirrups & my vajayjay facing skyward, he decides to explore the office a bit. He gets out the stethoscope & listens to his heart & mine, being sure to also check my stomach for a heartbeat since he's so certain I'm pregnant. I don't have the heart to tell him it takes sometimes 8 weeks for doctors to find a heartbeat using a doppler. He picks up a speculum & starts making it "talk". I tell him I'm going to have him committed if he keeps it up. Then he starts to play with the blood pressure cuff, pumping it up til the bladder explodes & goes shooting out of the sleeve across the room. I want to kill him but I'm too busy laughing @ the same time. He was very worried the nurse would come in & yell @ him.
Tell me your husband does the same weird stuff, please!
Speaking of my husband, he continues to be my rock through all of this. Sometimes his childlike innocence is annoying; other times, it's just what I need to keep from screaming or crying. A perfect example of this is @ my IUI.
As I'm laying there with my legs in stirrups & my vajayjay facing skyward, he decides to explore the office a bit. He gets out the stethoscope & listens to his heart & mine, being sure to also check my stomach for a heartbeat since he's so certain I'm pregnant. I don't have the heart to tell him it takes sometimes 8 weeks for doctors to find a heartbeat using a doppler. He picks up a speculum & starts making it "talk". I tell him I'm going to have him committed if he keeps it up. Then he starts to play with the blood pressure cuff, pumping it up til the bladder explodes & goes shooting out of the sleeve across the room. I want to kill him but I'm too busy laughing @ the same time. He was very worried the nurse would come in & yell @ him.
Tell me your husband does the same weird stuff, please!
Friday, August 21, 2009
The flu...in August?!?!?
So we had a great time in Vegas & Zion National Park but came back with an unexpected & unwelcome souvenir: the flu. Despite feeling like we've been run over by an 18-wheeler our IF treatment is going ok. This was my 1st cycle on Clomid & I didn't have any truly heinous side effects. I went in for my monitoring ultrasound yesterday & was found to have 4 follies that looked mature or close to it. I triggered last night & had my IUI this morning. Vid's guys looked good despite him feeling like shit as well; there were 60 million of them. I go in for a beta blood test the day after my dad's birthday so I may test @ home early; I'd love to give him good news on his birthday since I didn't get it on my birthday, my mom's or mine.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
More poking & prodding
Today is CD 3 (cycle day 3) which meant more bloodwork & my first ever trans-vaginal ultrasound. The ultrasound took all of 2 minutes. Either the tech was really good or my mom was full of shit when she told me it felt like the instrument was going to go up through her stomach & out her mouth. Anyways, it was really neat to see my uterus & ovaries yet again; the tech said they looked normal. My bloodwork, however, is still showing borderline E2 (estrogen) & FSH (follicular stimulating hormone) which are signs of PCOS.
My "box of fun" arrived in the mail yesterday. I neglected to tell my hubby about it & he called me @ work wondering what the hell the UPS guy was talking about when he told him it needed to be refrigerated. I start Clomid tonight & my Ovidrel injection is ironically sitting in the fridge next to the eggs. I'm really hoping God will have mercy on me & spare me of any fun Clomid side effects on vacation, especially hot flashes, since we are leaving for Las Vegas on Friday. I just keep reminding myself it'll all be worth it someday...hopefully...
My "box of fun" arrived in the mail yesterday. I neglected to tell my hubby about it & he called me @ work wondering what the hell the UPS guy was talking about when he told him it needed to be refrigerated. I start Clomid tonight & my Ovidrel injection is ironically sitting in the fridge next to the eggs. I'm really hoping God will have mercy on me & spare me of any fun Clomid side effects on vacation, especially hot flashes, since we are leaving for Las Vegas on Friday. I just keep reminding myself it'll all be worth it someday...hopefully...
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