Not good.

We just got done with shoveling over a foot of snow from the 1st major storm of the season. The poor dog (he's a little Pekingese) had a hell of a time trying to find a place to go potty; he wasn't that thrilled about having to do his business on the sidewalk instead of grass. The tree is finally up & Vid went Christmas shopping for my gift(s) yesterday so we're pretty much ready for the holiday. I just wish I was more in the spirit, but it's hard to get into things when the bullshit that has been our lives continues. Let me explain.

My grandpa's brother (dad's dad) died last weekend. Not totally unexpected given he had MS & was in his late 70s. At about the same time, my grandpa is admitted to the hospital because his speech is nonsensical & they think he's having another stroke. As my mother said, he sounded like Snoop Dog, saying things like "Give me the snizzle".

To make a long story short, they run a bunch of tests & there was no stroke detected. There was, however, a mass @ the base of his brain. Further testing showed it to be a tumor & they wanted to do a biopsy so they could see if it was cancer or something else. Well, it's cancer. And it's in the part of the brain that controls emotions, speech & breathing among other things. And considering it wasn't there when they did the scan a few months ago when he had his stroke & the rate @ which it appears to be growing, his prognosis isn't good. The doctors said we should be talking to hospice & making final arrangements. We went to visit him @ the hospital yesterday; the last time we saw him was about 6 weeks ago, before we went to India. It's amazing what a downhill spiral he's gone into since then.

I know he's in his 80s & that nobody lives forever. But this past year (really, 2) has been nothing but bad news between devastating diagnoses & the sheer amount of family & friends that have passed on, many unexpectedly. And to see someone who was as sharp as a tack 2 months ago unable to form a coherent sentence is heartbreaking. I have no idea how my grandmother is going to deal with this given her severe mental health problems.

Please, Santa, can we get some good news for Christmas?

Our (fake) Christmas card

Since we don't have a cute little bundle of joy of our own still yet I've been receiving holiday cards left & right from family & friends featuring their smiling, chubby, angelic, children, I thought I'd have a bit of fun & make a card featuring my somehow normal yet also dysfunctional ute. My husband unfortunately vetoed my idea of sending it out as our actual card this year; he doesn't always share my sick sense of humor apparently.

We're baaaaack

And we're still not pregnant. What else is new? I've now had AF on 4 continents (North America, Europe, Asia & Africa) which I guess is pretty cool. And this may be TMI, but per tradition we had sexy time in my in-laws bed as it's supposed to help with fertility. We slept in their room & they took Vid's old room anyways since their bed is king size & the other one was maybe a double so we were able to do it without having to sneak around.

My next AF is due around Christmas Day (awesome timing) at which time we'll re-evaluate our infertility treatment. I think I am done with Clomid. After 5 cycles on it my lining suddenly went from lush to thin last cycle (from 11 to 7). I have 600 of the 900 of Follistim my RE prescribed last time sitting in my fridge in the butter drawer so I'm hoping to be able to use that next cycle given my 20% co-pay on that was over $200.

Amma (my MIL) is in pretty good spirits but she does get very tired, especially the few days after her chemo sessions. She cut her hair short but doesn't appear to be losing any, at least not yet. We are going to try & get her to the US for treatment still though because what they are paying out of pocket just isn't sustainable in the long run & she had to come back to the hospital several days in a row because they were short on one of her medications. There is NRI (non-resident Indian) insurance that either my hubby or SIL might be able to get that would cover treatment in the US.

So, that's where we stand. I'll post some pictures in the next few days from the trip. Tomorrow it's back to work (which I'm kind of looking forward to) & preparing for Christmas. I really should put up the tree but I'm just not in the mood.

Leavin' on a jet plane

I am unsure of if I will be able to post at all over the next 3 weeks while we're in India, so if you don't hear from me for a while, no worries. I will find out if this cycle worked around Thanksgiving day; I've packed both pee sticks & tampons in our luggage. I had 2 good size follies on my right ovary this cycle but none on my left, which is weird, because the left has always produced good follies until this point. Still, it's nothing to lose sleep over as all it takes is 1 good one, right?

We'll be taking a TTC break if we don't hit the jackpot this time around because I'm tired mentally, physically & financially; my hubby feels much the same in the exhaustion department. Regardless of what happens (or not) with my ute, I will post photos when we get back of our adventure. See ya!

My children may turn out small & furry

Tonight is my first Follistim shot. I'm perfectly fine with giving myself a needle but no matter how much I try to convince my hubby he should watch me inject myself he says no. I'm trying to get him used to the idea of needles if we ever have to do IVF which would require someone shooting me in the ass. I'd rather not have to ask my mother or sister for help with that!

Anyways, being a consummate nerd I of course read the inserts of the med & found that it was made from the hCG of Chinese hamsters. Intrigued, I googled "Chinese hamster"; above is one of the photos that popped up.

I love it! A hamster kicking ass; ha! Maybe he'll whip my ovaries into shape this cycle. I think he's the perfect mascot for those of us dealing with infertility.

I'm officially bitter.

Still not pregnant. Adding Follistim to the next cycle. Beta will be while we're in India. Wonderful; now I'll get to experience getting a BFFN on another continent! Yes, that was sarcasm you just detected.

I am not in the mood to write much else. I had to have my husband hand out candy on Halloween because I couldn't handle seeing little kids after the BFFN news. I hate how IF has made even the simple things in life torturous. The one bright spot in my day was dressing up my pets. Thank God for fur babies!

We saw "Avenue Q" this weekend

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I especially identified with this number: