What is it like?

What is it like...

• to find out you're pregnant
• to see 2 lines
• to have the RE call you with good news for a change
• to watch your betas double
• to see a little blob on the screen with a beautiful flutter
• to feel nauseous & happy @ the same time
• to see a plain old OB/GYN
• to hear someone else's heart beat next to yours
• to be able to tell someone that it actually worked this cycle
• to be able to look at baby items with hope & happiness
• to be able to use the excuse you're eating for more than just you now
• to see your belly grow
• to feel their kicks from the inside
• to have others buy you a shower gift for a change
• to decorate their long empty nursery just as you imagined it
• to make a birth plan
• to experience labor & delivery
• to hear their 1st cry
• to hold them in your arms instead of just your heart
• to see your name on a birth certificate listed as "mother"

What is it like?

Back in the saddle

I had my WTF appt today.  It went well. Doc is as stumped as I am why I can't seem to get pregnant. Vid is going on FertilAid (speaking of which, recs of where to order it from?) to see if we can work on the slight morph & oxidation issues. Also, I made an appt to get a consult with Dr. Braverman in November, which was the soonest I could get in on a Saturday since it's a 3 hour drive (so long as the traffic gods smile upon us).  I told her about the Braverman consult & she was interested to see what he says. She has had people get further testing with him before & appreciates his outside the box thinking, especially with those of us who are unexplained. To her obviously the whole immunology thing is controversial but intriguing. I'm not sure how long it takes to get the testing done once we have our initial consult on 11/16 but I told her if possible I'd like to cycle over the holidays based on what Braverman recs & she was good with that too.  I can't believe I'm still on the crazy train.  What the hell is wrong with me?

My niece is here 11 weeks early

My sister went in for a regular OB appt yesterday (Monday) after work. The baby's heart beat was off kilter so her doc sent her to the hospital for further monitoring.  While there, the baby's heart beat got really scary so they decided to do an emergency c-section.  I found out when my mother called me to ask me to take pick up her dog to stay @ my house because she was on her way to the hospital to meet my sister.  It didn't register @ 1st in my mind.  Then, when I hung up the phone, I started sobbing uncontrollably.

She was 29 weeks as of Sunday.  The baby was born blue with kinks in her cord but they were able to stabilize her & sent her to a hospital with a NICU across town.  Maggie weighed in @ 2lbs even.  My sister was transported late last night to the same hospital.  As of tonight the baby is on 30% oxygen via CPAP but is otherwise stable.  I don't even want to think what could've happened if she had not had an appt yesterday.  Her pregnancy was completely normal until 3pm yesterday.  My nephew was born @ 38w6d weeks vaginally & unmedicated with no complications FWIW.  My sister is doing fine & will likely be home this weekend.  I want so badly to go give her a hug but there's no way I could handle being on a NICU floor which makes me feel like shit.

Not pregnant.

Over the course of 63 months (5 years, 3 mos)::

• I have experienced approximately 70 menses based on my 27 day cycle
• I have seen 4 REs @ separate 4 RE practices (all of the offices in my city)
• I've only felt comfortable working with 2 of the 4 REs ( in other words, the other 2 were douches) & the one who I really connected with of course is not currently practicing
• I have gone through 8 IUIs, all of which were negative
• I have transferred 5 embryos over the course of 3 IVFs & 1 FET, all of which were negative
• I have spent approximately $20,000 in co-pays for the privilege of getting my period which I am perfectly able to do on my own
• I still do not have an answer as to why we cannot even get pregnant, let alone worry about staying pregnant

As I see it, right now we have 3 options:

•  Go see Dr. Braverman in NYC.  This may or may not be covered by our insurance.  I've had several infertile interwebs friends work with him who speak highly of him.  But even the gods of reproductive immunology can't get everyone pregnant.
• Look into adoption.  Vid is still wishy-washy on it.  I've already waited 5 years to become a mom & by the time we could afford it it may be another 5 years of saving to do so from India.  And who knows if we would even be deemed "fit to parent"?
• Live CFNBC (child free not by choice).  Stop all treatments.  Don't look into adoption.  Pretty much live the way we do now, but just give up all hope.

Right now I'm still pretty raw.  I went out this morning to run a few errands & had to leave Dunkin Donuts without ordering because there was a newborn there.  I was supposed to go to an autumn craft fair with my mom & aunt today but again, I just can't, in case I end up surrounded by pregnant bellies.  I am already contemplating calling out sick from work on Monday.  I already hate my job but being infertile makes is excruciating.  I just don't feel like I can function in society right now.  I am broken.  I can honestly say I no longer believe in a higher power.  I wish this was all just a bad dream but it's not: it's my life.  I hate my life.   

Another celeb comes out of the IF closet

I don't watch the show & honestly don't know much about her, but Aisha Tyler is me in so many ways.  I've said it before: infertility is a sisterhood, a club that nobody wants to be a member of.  I just want to reach through my computer screen & hug her!

Infertility-induced psychosis

 It's a beautiful day so I decided to hang out the freshly washed shirts to dry. Of course a bird then shit on them.  I've been told this is good luck, but  I cried.  Oh & I ugly cried 2 times yesterday for no reason.  Vid made some sort of snide remark that I don't even remember & it sent me over the edge.  And the other time I don't even know what set me off.

Also, it safe to say a lot of progesterone = a lot of cramps. I had no cramping that I can remember from the Crinone I took for IVF #1.  I had some small cramping on straight PIO for IVFs 2 & 3 but this time I am on Endometrium BID as well as the ass shot @ bed time.  Friday I had some cramps that literally had me doing breathing exercises.  

BTW my husband has actually been doing the PIO shots this time; my mom (who lives a mile down the road) did it for my previous cycles.  This is HUGE for him as I normally have to hold his hand for him to complete blood work.  The 1st shot he did he literally prayed before he stuck the needle in,.  Adorable.

I POAS this morning @ 4dp5dt. Negative. It was strategic though. The stick expires this month (you know you're infertile when your pregnancy test stash is several years old) & I knew the likelyhood of getting anything but a negative was slim to none. So now I won't be tempted to test closer to beta when there is a chance of getting a real negative yet I've satiated the need to pee on something.  

I think the fact that this is the "make or break" cycle is adding to my infertility-induced psychosis.  The fact that if this doesn't work, we need to decide what our next move will be, if anything, is terrifying.  Not that I won't likely be a basket care for my entire pregnancy is this does work.  Don't get me wrong; I have a sliver of hope, mainly because I've never done an FET before & therefore have not had my heart broken in this manner yet.  However that could all change on Friday.  We shall see.

 

 

Meet Nemo

S/he's adorable!  And hopefully snuggling in for the next 9 mos.  Beta is Friday the 13th.  Of course!