Stewie

Meet Stewie:

Of the 2 that fertilized 1 arrested overnight.  This is "Stewie", an 8-celled minimally fragmented embryo.  Sorry for the crappy photo; it's actually a photo of the photo we were given & my parents' scanner is dead.  As for the name, Vid is a huge Seth MacFarlane fan & when I asked him what we should call this embryo he immediately thought of an evill cartoon baby, LMAO.  Beta is 1/9.  I'm going to try my best to hold off peeing on sticks but can't guarantee I'll be able to resist.

2

Of the 6 retrieved, 4 were mature & 2 fertilized with ICSI.  We will put those back on Saturday morning.  I know it only takes 1, but after 4.5 years of this I have little hope.  Vid is praying like I've never seen before.  Beta will be just days before his birthday; I hope I don't ruin it.

6 pack

Retrieval was this morning.  We got 6 eggs.  I'm disappointed & really think they should've let me cook another day or 2 to get my E2 over 1000 (It was 831 Monday morning & I triggered that night).  I also wonder if the Clomid I took for #2 really aided in giving me more eggs to work with since we didn't do that this time around.  If we need to go through this bullshit again I will insist on adding that back.  

Monitoring

E2 is 179.  Numerous follies on both ovaries with none over 12.  Tomorrow I add Ganirelix to my Follistim & Menopur.  More monitoring on Saturday.  The nurse (who I've known since I 1st started infertility treatment 3 years ago) said if she was a betting woman she thinks retrieval will be the 26 or 27th.

And away we go yet again...

It only took Aunt Flo 5 days to visit this time versus 8 for IVF #2.  Not sure waddup wit dat, but I'll take it.  So, I went in for my wanding & blood work to get the blessing from up on high to start stims.  It's go time!  Tonight I begin shooting up, taking 225 of Follistim & 150 of Menopur.  I go back on Wednesday morning for more monitoring.

Waiting for Godot, or rather, Aunt Flo

Took my last BCP yesterday & am now waiting for Aunt Flo so we can get this show on the road.  Last cycle she took her sweet time & came 8 days after popping that last pill so I'm prepared to "hurry up & wait".  My meds should arrive this week too.  We will officially be in our new house as of Saturday; I've been spending my weekends painting.  I am looking forward to new beginnings in many ways.  However, I'm already convinced this has failed & am looking to see when we can financially afford to cycle again.  But if we get some more frosties maybe we'll do an FET versus a fresh cycle which is so much cheaper.  And now I'm rambling...

Infertile with a Turtle

Because Christmas isn't painful enough for us infertiles, what with all the adorable faces (more every year!) staring at you from holiday cards, now there's Elf on a Shelf. And of course, 90% my parent friends seem to think gives them license to plaster photos on Facebook (sometimes several times a day) of whatever their kid's elf is doing.  A few examples:

To be fair, I also have some friends with kids who have a wonderfully sick sense of humor too:

But that's maybe 0.1% of the Elf on a Shelf posts. 

Since I have no kids it'd be kind of creepy to participate in this.  What's an infertile to do?  I have an idea!  How about "Infertile with a Turtle"?  I'll insert a photo of a turtle into some of my favorite travel pics.

Here's an Infertile with a Turtle at Chenonceau, France:

  

Infertile with a Turtle at Gullfoss, Iceland:

 

And finally, Infertile with a Turtle at the Grand Canyon:

 

How about you?  Let's see your pictures.  Comment with a link to your blog. :)

Rhetoric, Christmas Cards, and Infertility: A Season of Silence

Found this while searching for something on Youtube & just had to share:

Looks like I'll be upping my Zoloft dose again

Remember this post?  I do.  Well, guess what?  Yup.  I won't even post the word because chances are you're infertile & already know what that word is, but suffice it to say I will be on my period & wearing pj's while sobbing & drinking wine straight out of the bottle come June 2013 when I see the blessed news posted all over Facebook.  And don't give me the "Oh, but you just might be 6 mos along then if IVF #3 works."  Spare me.  We both know it's already a BFN & I haven't even started stims yet.  Maybe my mood's just foul today (for this & several other reasons I won't even go into now) but if it wasn't for the fact a friend was kind enough to donate leftover Menopur to me which expires @ the end of the year, I might not even be cycling.  I'm just not in the mood to inject myself with meds when all I end up with is my period just like every other month.  Looks like I'll be upping my Zoloft dose again.

New beginnings

We closed on our new house this weekend.  It's a cute little ranch just 1 street over from where we've been renting for the past 3 years.  For only about $100 more than our rent, we now own, with some nice bonuses:  The new place has a good size wooden deck off the back door.  We have central air which was THE selling point for my husband, who is from one of the hottest places on earth yet still complains about the heat in New England for the 2 months it gets above 80 here.  There's a working fireplace.  There's a dishwasher & gas stove, as well as gas heat.  There's a 2nd bathroom (my dream come true!). We still only have 2 bedrooms but since we're infertile & realists, do we really need more room?  Because outside of a miracle we're 99% "one & done", unless we end up with twins or a ton of frosties, neither of which I'm banking on.  And if we do, the basement is unfinished & we could easily put another bed & bath down there.

Also, I woke up to Aunt Flo on Saturday.  Thus, I start BCPs tonight to prep for IVF #3.  I'll be on them for 3 weeks for timing purposes (trying to avoid ER & ET the week of finals) & go in for my baseline on CD3 after The Red Dragon shows again.  This means I may be ringing in the new year with an egg retrieval or embryo transfer, which in turn means beta will be around the hubby's birthday.  I really, really hope his birthday doesn't suck.

Finally, I am on vacation this week from work & Vid is also off since the university where he teaches follows a trimester schedule.  We're bunking our classes this week & really don't care; our profs understand anyways since we're old, married, working full time grad students.  We're driving up to the Montreal area tomorrow & are spending 5 days @ 2 different places thanks to Living Social deals I found.  I haven't been to Montreal since high school (almost 20 years ago) & Vid has never been.  The weather's supposed to be nice; cool but not freezing.  We're just going to take it easy & have a little "us time" before the insanity of cycling begins again.

Nothing!

Nothing!  That's what was found in my endometrial biopsy.  So, while it's nice not to be dying from unknown ute issues, we still don't really know WTF the issue is with our infertility.  Vid has some motility issues but his numbers are fine.  And we seem to have figured out a med combo that matures my eggs & therefore makes them able to be fertilized.  Now if we could only get one (or 2) of the little buggers to take up residence inside me for 40 or so weeks...

Hurricane embryo rescue

While we in New England had some affects from Hurricane Sandy, NY & NJ got walloped.  You've probably seen on TV video of patients in hospitals being evacuated due to no power.  But what about frozen embryos in storage there?  Or them women who were supposed to be having their egg retrieval when the storm hit or in the following days?  It honestly never crossed my mind until a fellow infertile shared this news story.  What an amazing staff!  And moreover, this wasn't the first time embryos have been rescued from disaster.  Read this cool story about a baby born from an embryo rescued during Hurricane Katrina.

Bobopsy

In honor of my endometrial biopsy (bobopsy) here's one of my favorite clips from "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding":

No teeth or spinal column so far as my doc could tell.  We should have results (if any) next week.  It wasn't bad @ all; just a bit of cramping.  I didn't even bother taking any preventative pain meds.  I'm just glad it even happened given Hurricane Sandy came through town yesterday & could've totally cancelled us.

40 weeks

It's been 40 weeks since my 1st embryo transfer.  If IVF #1 had worked, today would've been my due date.  Instead, it's CD 4 & AF is about to leave town.  

I never marked any of the other phantom due dates I've had throughout all of the IUIs I did.  Somehow, this is different.  With IVF we knew we had an embryo & that it dwelled inside of my for a number of days.  IUIs don't let us have that kind of knowledge, that kind of hope.  And for me, that kind of guilt.

Obviously it's not my fault that little embryo never stuck & turned into my son or daughter.  Shit happens.  Really, we still don't know why it didn't take.  Hopefully we'll learn something from the endometrial biopsy so I don't end up with another phantom due date from IVF #3.

Still, I mourn for what might have been.  I still have the petri dish s/he grew in for 3 days.  I don't know if or when I'll be able to throw it out.  Maybe never.

Infertile & fat, but not infertile because of the fat!

Fat people are perhaps the last "minority" group people can discriminate against & not suffer the consequences of the law.  Deny a gay person, a black person or a person in a wheel chair medical treatment & you'll get sued.  Deny an obese person medical treatment while dealing with infertility & you have medical science to back you up, right?  

Apparently not.

A recent study from Penn State found that women who underwent gastric bypass surgery did not become any more "fertile" after losing weight.  While the women reported an increase in libido, rates of ovulation remained the same.  I' m guessing these women were probably more in the mood because they thought they might finally get pregnant with the excess weight gone so they reported "gettin' it on" more.  And if the researchers followed them more long term, the level of sexual desire probably decreased with each cycle they didn't get pregnant.

But here's the finding I am most interested in: "The quality of the ovulation also remained unaltered. The only change seen was a shortening of the first half of the menstrual cycle, from the end of the previous menstrual flow until the release of the egg."  So my egg quality may still suck.  And given my body is pretty much a Swiss watch when it comes to my menstrual cycle, I'm guessing losing weight would not shorten my 28 day cycle or lengthen my 14 day luteal phase.

I've struggled with my weight all my life.  So have my mom & sister, both of whom got pregnant with no issue.  Granted I'm bigger than they are, but they are both classified as obese too.  And so what?  Are they or the millions of other obese women not allowed to have kids?  

Unfortunately, many infertility practices practice such discrimination.  For IVF #1 I was needlessly given an epidural because of my weight.  My current RE had to battle for them to not give me an epidural & just do the routine "knock out" for IVF #2 because of my BMI. I'm not diabetic.  I don't have GERD or apnea.  I was knocked out for oral surgery & for an exploratory lap to look for endo before with no issues.  Hell, before I got married I was actually denied the very same weight loss surgery this study looked into because besides being obese, I have no other medical issues (besides a wonky thyroid & beta thalassemia which have nothing to do with my weight) that would "warrant it" according to the surgeon.

I guess I should just be glad I don't live in the UK where women my size are outright denied IVF.  Hopefully more studies like this will change that policy. 

Lithuania

My parents got a wedding invitation in the mail Saturday.  My cousin (well, dad's cousin's daughter) is getting married twice next year.  Her fiance is from Lithuania & they're having a destination wedding in Jamaica  next May as well as a traditional Lithuanian wedding back in his home town in August.  And while most normal people would say "All inclusive?  Count me in!" I was like "Lithuania"  How cool!".  If you know me you  know I've always been more adventurous than the average person travel-wise.  Granted, I'm also in that 1% of Americans that can actually find Lithuania on a map, but I digress.

Vid was equally intrigued.  I have a friend who lives in Moscow & surely she'd let us crash there for a few days so maybe we could swing by there as well?  And St. Petersburg!  Totally on my bucket list because it's where the Hermitage is located.  And we could fly into St. Petersburg on Iceland Air which means we would have to fly through Iceland & could stop & explore some more of the country!  Then we can take the train to Moscow & into Lithuania!

(Side bar: I get 4 weeks vacation & Vid is off for the whole summer so we could totally do this.  Plus we'd have places to stay for free so long as we bring some hard-to-come-by items from the US in 2 of the 4 places.  Neither of us make a lot of $ but I sign up for every e-mail list known to man so we can do cool stuff for nothing or very little $.  I'm very frugal & find being cheap makes it more fun since you actually get to interact with the locals.  You also get to see the "real" country this way.)

And then my mom reminds me: "You're doing IVF in December, right?"

Me: "Yeah, most likely."

Mom: "Which means if it works you'd be 8 months pregnant @ the time of this wedding & unable to fly."

Me: "Obviously.  But we'll cross that bridge when & if we come to it."

Mom: "I know it's hard, but think positive."

Me: "Yeah, well..."

And then the Patriots blew a big play & we got distracted.

Well, I am trying to be positive, but I'm also preparing myself mentally for the worst yet again.  I'm trying to think of something that will make me happy if this next IVF doesn't work.  Travel is my happiness.  Planning a phantom trip is my fun.  Even to a place like Lithuania.

Bye bye, Catholicism.

 

I meant to post this on Sunday but to say things have been nutty around here would be the understatement of the year.  I'll go into that in a later post, but for now, I have an announcement.  And no, it's not that, though I wish it were.  The announcement is I am officially leaving the Roman Catholic church.

At Mass this past Sunday the priest was giving a homily based on the day's readings which talked about how a man should not be alone & in marriage they become "one in the marital act".  He went into how the church doesn't really do a good job talking to people about healthy relationships & specifically a good sex life within marriage.  I was totally on board with this until he crossed all 4 lanes of traffic & took the exit to Crazy Town.

He then went off about how IVF is sinful because it "removes the marital act".  Excuse me?  Just because we're infertile doesn't mean we don't have sex.  Has infertility affected our sex life?  Sure.  But I still love my husband in both body & mind.  And really, what infertile doesn't wish to simply partake in "the marital act" to get pregnant?  I'd love to get a kid for free, without being pumped full of meds & maybe actually get an orgasm from the whole experience!

It was all I could do not to walk out in the middle of Mass.  What stopped me was the fact I sing in choir & have too much respect for my fellow choir members to cause a scene.  But after this, I am officially done with the Catholic church.  I will be checking out a local Episcopal church this weekend.  Not only are they fine with infertility treatment, they are also "yay for gay" which is another plus in my book.

The only joy I got out of this whole experience is having the knowledge that this very same priest who is so against IVF has baptized at least 2 babies who were conceived that way.  I doubt he is aware of this.  I'd love to tell him to see his reaction, but I also don't want to "out" these people.  I personally think their children are beautifully made by science in the image of  God; why can't he see this?  They are children; that's all.  Not the product of sin, but of a love so great that their parents went through hell to have them.

Here we go again...

We met with my RE this morning to talk plans for IVF #3.  The Cliffs Notes version:

Vid needs to have a repeat SA & I will have an endometrial biopsy done.  The last SA he had was about a year ago (before IVF #1) & I've never had an EB.  She's concerned with the 50% fert rate even with ICSI & isn't sure if there may be some immunological issues involved.  She's not sending us off to a Reproductive Immunologist yet though.  No idea if our insurance would even cover that & if it doesn't I don't even want to think about how much that would cost.  

She's also wondering about an implantation issue, hence the EB order, which we will do next cycle.  We know I have beta thalassemia which isn't known to cause infertility but is associated with pregnancy complications (lucky me).  She wonders if my BT may be screwing with my uterine lining just enough to make otherwise beautiful embryos not implant.  Though my BT isn't severe enough to have ever warranted a blood transfusion, we may do one in conjunction with intralipids which are known to help infertiles with implantation problems. 

So, here we go again...

My 1st NSFW post

Chinese hospitals have introduced a hands-free sperm extractor that also plays videos to "help" along men who may have a difficult time producing a sample manually.  Cost?  $2,800.  Here's the machine in action (sans penis):

Having worked as a grad student in the archives of a sex research institute in a well respected university, I was aware of a product called Fleshlight, which is essentially a fake vagina used for masturbatory purposes.  Curious, I googled to see if there was an automatic version & there is: Autoblow, which sells for about $100 for the standard model.   

Granted there is no video screen on the Autoblow, but how hard would it be to just leave a laptop in an exam room so the guy could search for his favorite porn online?  Lord knows there's enough of it out there for free.  Obviously both "sperm extractors" would need to be sanitized between uses; I assume there must be some sort of condom-like collection device involved for collection too.  Also, while the Chinese device requires the man to stand, the hand-held one can be used in any number of positions since most guys don't "flog the dolphin" while upright.  And finally, $2800 versus $100 is a huge price difference for the same procedure (if you will).  I guess if you call something a medical device you truly can charge anything you want!  In the case of infertility, certainly nothing is cheap anyways. :/

Sad panda :(

Apparently, over the weekend the baby panda that was born recently @ the National Zoo died.  Poor baby.  And poor mama.  It's one of my worst fears: after trying for years to get pregnant, what if something finally sticks & I lose it?  A dear friend recently went through this: she was pregnant with twins after years of infertility & inexplicably lost one of the babies @ 36 weeks.  I cannot imagine what it's like to finally be blessed with a child while having to bury another one @ the same time.  The universe is truly unfair.

I was especially struck by one of the comments from the zoo staff in this article: "This is devastating for all of us here. It's hard to describe how much passion and energy and thought and care has gone into this".  I wonder, do REs feel this way about us as their patients?  I believe mine does, but maybe she feels it more than most because she went through 6 years of TTC before her son was born thanks to IVF.  Or are we seen merely as stats, as I believe I was @ the practice where I did IVF#1?  What's your experience been?

 

Finding (my) Nemo

My WTF was rescheduled due to the fact my RE spaced out about the Jewish high holy days.  My RE is Hindu but about as observant as my husband (meaning she also eats beef, lol) but her DH is Jewish so they celebrate 2 sets of holidays in their house like we do (Catholic & Hondu).  She was very apologetic but really, what's another 2 weeks in the grand scheme of things?  Especially since we're not cycling again for another few months.

So yeah, we decided on moving ahead with IVF #3 & saving our frosty.  Even if we get lucky & the 3rd time really is the charm, he/she will be given a shot @ life down the road.  Although I've bargained myself down to "just 1" with God (who apparently doesn't even want to give me that) I'll use however many frosties I may end up with, even if it's something redonk like 5.  It's just my personal belief that they should be given the chance to turn into humans; if you diasgree, that's your choice.  Not that I have any real hope of getting that many anyways, but I digress...

Speaking of my lone frosty, I decided to watch "Finding Nemo" late last night because I was in a foul mood thanks to being crampy (AF arrived today) & out of my fave wine which my husband did not tell me he finished (yes, I let him live).  The seagulls kill me!  Surely, this will make me feel better, right?  Except I forgot about the 1st scene:

*cue tears*

That one little egg is much like my one little frosty.  The hope which is contained in something so small means more than anything in the world to me right now.  And I'm so scared of losing him/her.  As long as he/she is frozen, I have hope.  After 4 years & numerous failed treatment cycles, I really don't have much hope left.  Except for my Nemo.  Please, God, let my frosty become a child some day.

A new low: I am jealous of a panda

In case you didn't hear, Mei Xiang, one of the pandas @ the National Zoo in DC, gave birth earlier this morning.  According to the article, "the panda had five false pregnancies over the past five years, and zoo officials gave her only a 10 percent chance of having a cub".  She got pregnant from an IUI back in May.  So a panda with a 10% change gets pregnant from an IUI & I never did.  FU IF.  FU hard!

An Indian woman on infertility

She does a great job explaining a lot of the Indian/Hindu cultural issues surrounding infertility that I'm dealing with:

FET, IVF, WTF, FML, etc.

With summer unofficially over, it's back to the grind for Vid.  He's back teaching 2@ one university & being a PhD student @ another as of today.  I told him as I left for work this morning, "See you in December" since our schedules (I'm also in school part time while working full time) mean we are 2 ships passing in the night for the most part. 

Although that's not entirely accurate though since we've booked a trip to Montreal the week of Thanksgiving using a Living Social deal.  It's driving distance (about 6 hours) which is nice.  Vid has never been to Montreal & I haven't been since high school (over 15 years ago).  Thus we are successfully avoiding spending the holiday with relatives for the 4th straight year.  WINNING!  2009: India.  2010: Las Vegas.  2011: Vid had surgery the day before so we stayed home so he could rest.  And finally 2012: Oh Canada!

As for Christmas, I am unsure of our ability to avoid it as well.  I feel terrible for thinking it but I'm not looking forward to all the "Baby's 1st Christmas" crap that will be bestowed upon my nephew.  I'm thinking our out may be IVF#3 which we'd likely undertake upon our return from Canada.  I may just have to be on post-ET bed rest for the birth of Our Lord & Savior, if you catch my drift...

Of course at this point we're not really sure about doing an FET with our lone frosty versus a fresh IVF cycle so the above scenario is hearsay.  I'd kind of like to hold on to the frosty as an insurance policy but an FET is so much less invasive, not to mention cheaper.  If we did an FET, it'd likely be next month so we could still fit in another IVF by the end of the year in case of yet another BFN with the FET.  Not that we *need* to cycle before the end of the year for any particular reason, other than that I'm sick of this shit & something's gotta work eventually for Christ's sake. 

And I want to get back on the healthy wagon before another IVF cycle.  Speaking of which, if you own stock in Ben & Jerry's, you're welcome; these past 2 weeks since the BFN have been atrocious for me diet-wise.  Anywho, financially we'd also need to do a bit of tweaking & planning before another IVF.  And then there's the vacation we booked to relax before the insanity of maybe cycling starts again.

Yes, my head is full & my thoughts are racing.  I'll re-hash most of the above with my RE when we meet next week to discuss options.  I cannot wait for the day my life isn't @ the mercy of my reproductive organs & instead I am ruled by a small human who shares half of my chromosones.  Please pass the Xanax.

Still waiting @ the station...

FAIL once again

BFMFN (you figure out what that stands for).  Which I already knew since I started POAS 7dp3dpt.  It still doesn't make it not suck.  Hey, at least I got to drink @ drug company expense last night without guilt: 2 glasses of red sangria & 1 white chocolate raspberry martini; helltotheyeah!

I called DH to tell him the news just now. Even though he knew my pee sticks were negative he was so hoping for a miracle. He said he "feels sick to his stomach"; I could tell in his voice he was trying so hard not to cry.  In past failed treatment cycles he's never reacted like this.  Poor dear. 

The one bright spot is we do have a frosty.  S/he is moving to my RE's new practice in the near future.  However I'm not sure if we'll do an FET with it or just move into another fresh IVF cycle.  I'm 33 & if this had worked I'd have been 34 when I was due.  So not old but getting awfully close to that magical 35/AMA red flag they stick on your chart.  I'm not diagnosed as DOR/PM but given my egg issues I'm kind of leaning towards fresh cycle in the hopes we can get another frosty (or more) as insurance.  Something to discuss with my doc for sure.  In the meantime, we'll be taking a cycle or 2 off to recoup financially, physically & mentally.

Totsicle!

We have a frosty!  Of the 2 they were watching to possibly freeze 1 made it.  I am both stunned & so happy. 

Cheech & Chong

Meet Cheech & Chong:

Hopefully they snuggle tight in til next spring. :)

Obviously, we transferred 2 this morning.  They're both 8 cells with minimal fragmentation.  I cried when the RE (not my regular doc) gave me the photo.  The poor thing thought there was something wrong; I had to assure her they were happy tears as this IVF has been a completely different experience from the 1st, but in a good way.

The other 2 embies are still going but were 7 cells.  As long as their growth is on target come Tuesd ay, we will freeze them.  So, we could end up with a frosty or 2.  We also could end up with none, but the very thought it *might* happen is thrilling.

I started PIO shots the night of retrieval & add Vivelle Dots tomorrow, changing my dot every 3 days.  My mom has been doing my shots since Vid isn't a fan of needles.  He's going to have to learn if we do end up pregnant though since they are going out of state for a week at the end of the month.

Beta is 8/23/12.

4

Of the 10 retrieved 8 were mature & 4 fertilized.  I call back tomorrow to see how the 4 are doing.  If any are "meh" then I go in Sunday for a day 3 transfer.  They'll still watch any that are left for freezing but practice policy is you need @ least 4 good embies to do a day 5.  If they're all waving "yay flags" then we do a day 5 transfer on Tuesday.  In a perfect world we'd transfer 2 & have 2 to freeze but like everything else, assume nothing, right?

10

We got 10 eggs at retrieval this morning, exactly double what we got with IVF #1.  While it remains to be seen how many are mature & fertilize, I am very happy we changed protocols.  I start PIO tonight & will get a fert report tomorrow.  Like last time, we are doing ICSI.  We're hoping for a 5 day transfer.  

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

Saw this trailer for the 1st time tonight:



How many of us infertiles will try burying a box full of wishes for our nonexistant child now & hope a 7 year old pops up in our garden now? Eff you, Disney.

Retrieval set!

Thursday morning it is!  I take 1 final night of stims today, trigger tomorrow & get to fight Boston traffic during rush hour Thursday morning.  Here's to hoping I can recreate the picture above (or at least get better results than last time)!

Not cancelled!

So adding Menopur appears to have done the trick. Lefty's cyst has not grown but follies on both sides have. They're all in the 13-15 range now. I'm waiting on b/w results but I will go back for more monitoring on Monday & by then should be ready to trigger for a Wednesday retrieval.

Crap. Crap crap crap.

I went in for more monitoring this morning. The only thing that's grown is the cyst on Leftie that was there @ baseline. None of the other follies have really gotten any bigger. RE talked of cancelling the cycle if things are still the same @ my next monitoring appt.
FML.
Anywho, I will continue with the Follistim & Cetrotide for the next 2 nights. I will also add Menopur as of tonight & go back on Friday. My RE is as in disbelief as I am about this given in the 8 IUIs I did with her I never had any issue with cysts or follie growth.

I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or drink.

I'm sexy/infertile & I know it!

So, besides being infertile, I've always been a musician.  My mom taught us how to read music at an early age.  I've sang in choirs for as long as I can remember.  I still have the flute I learned to play in middle school, as well as a viola & nadaswaram.  In my younger days I also played bassoon & bass but those are expensive to own (they were loaned to me in school) so I haven't touched them in years, though they are among the 1st things I will buy should I ever hit the lottery.  

Not only do I play & sing, I also write.  And in case you hadn't noticed from reading this blog, I have a warped sense of humor.  So I think it's about time to show you how I've managed to combine my 3 major interests, music, comedy & infertility, into one.  I'd love to fashion myself the "Weird Al" Yankovic of the infertility community.  So, below is one of just several popular songs I've reworked; it took me less than an hour.  I'd love to somehow work this into a music video to post on YouTube but lack the technical skills; any one game for a challenge?

"Infertile And I Know It" (a rip off of "I'm Sexy & I Know It" by LMFAO)
 

Yeah, yeah

When I walk on by, just seeing a pregnant woman makes me cry
Shooting meds in my cheeks, needles in my ass, feeling like a freak, yeah
This is how I roll, pumped full of hormones, outta control,
Yes it’s true I got a rising E2
And wouldn’t you know I got PIO

Ah... Girl look at that fert report [x3]
Ah... My eggs suck
Ah... Girl look at that fert report [x3]
Ah... my eggs suck

When I walk to the RE (yeah), this is what I see (ok)
Feet in stirrups and they staring at me
I got no eggs in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it

I'm infertile and I know it [x2]

Yeah
When I'm at the mall, pregnant woman just won’t leave me alone
People wonder why going to a baby shower makes me cry (what)
Well your follies could be bigger, come on now it's time to trigger
We headed to retrieval, baby don't be nervous
Just some blood work and a look at my cervix (watch)

Ah... Girl look at that fert report [x3]
Ah... my eggs suck
Ah... Girl look at that fert report [x3]
My eggs suck

When I walk to the RE (yeah), this is what I see (ok)
Feet in stirrups and they staring at me
I got no eggs in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it

I'm infertile and I know it [x3]

Check it out [x2]
BF, BF, BF, BF, BFN yeah [x3]
BF, BF, BF, BF, BFN yeah, yeah
I got a BFN [x2]
Yeah
I'm infertile and I know it

Ah... Girl look at that body [x3]
Ah... My eggs suck
Ah... Girl look at that fert report [x3]
Ah...

Yeah I'm infertile and I know it! 

Monitoring

After 5 days of Clomid 100 (took the last dose Saturday) & 3 doses of Follistim 450 my E2 is 665.  Well, actually I was a bit of a space shot & gave myself 350 instead of 450 last night & didn't realize it til the morning (long story) but the RE said no biggie.  My E2 was only 72 after 4 days of stims for IVF #1 & for what it's worth.  I'm thinking not being on Lupron this time was a good move.  We shall see.  I still have the random cyst on my left ovary but they'll drain it when they do ER.  So far everything looks pretty even; 6 on the right & 4 (maybe more behind the cyst) on my left, all in the 9-10 range.  I do 2 more nights of Follistim, adding Cetrotide as well, & go back for more poking & prodding Wednesday.  ER will probably be Friday or Saturday.

Freaking finally!

AF showed 8 days (!) after I took my last BCP.  Freaking finally!  And just as the b!tch showed the day before my hubby left for India, she made her return the day before he came back.  Vid is dead asleep next to me as I type this thanks to Nyquil; he's got this mucus-y sore throat thing I am praying I don't catch.  Just what we need during IVF, right?  It's good to have him back even if he might be contagious.

I took my 1st 100 of Clomid just now & will do so through Saturday.  On Thursday I add 450 of Follistim nightly & return for monitoring on Monday morning with Ganirelix in hand (just in case).  There's also Menopur in my fridge; not sure if/when we will add it.  To be continued...

MIA: AF

So you know that whole "start Clomid Thursday, Follistim Saturday" thing?  Not happening...yet.  AF is MIA.  And no, there is absolutely no possibility I could be pregnant as DH has been 10 time zones away for the past 3 weeks.

I took my last BCP Sunday & we assumed (ha!  yeah, I know) I would be riding the cotton pony in a couple days.  Welp, here it is Friday & nada.  Not even a pinkish hue on my undies.  Cramps?  Yes, since Tuesday.  Errrgh.  Usually, I get cramps & *BAM*, 24-48 hrs later, I'm bleeding like Niagra Falls.  WTF, body?

So I talked to the nurse yesterday afternoon & she said to hold off starting meds until my period shows up.  When (please) the biotch shows up they want me to call & let them know all is well so they can tweak my calendar.  If she still hasn't shown up by the time my already scheduled appt for blood work & an ultrasound comes on Tuesday, they want me to come in so they can maybe figure out "what up with that".  In the meantime, I'm going to Cape Cod for a long weekend @ my grandma's time share to try & get in some relaxation before this adventure gets underway.

Hello, old friend!

I had my suppression check this morning.  Nothing funky of the ultrasound except for a small nonfunctional cyst which she isn't worried about.  My E2 was on the low side & given how it wasn't all that high when I triggered for IVF #1 Dr. D-W tweaked my meds a bit more:

• Thursday: take 100 of Clomid for 5 days ( hello, old friend!)
• Saturday: take 450 of Follistim for 3 days
• Come back on Tuesday 7/24 for another ultrasound & more blood work
• I was also told to bring the Ganirelix with me on Tuesday as she will likely have me take it then.

Dr. D-W also let me know that she was moving her practice (physically) to a new building literally 2 blocks from where I work in September.  Not that her current office is super far, but it'll be nice not to have to cross the city in morning rush hour traffic if we have to cycle again (please God, no).  Dr. D-W said her goal was for me to only have to come see her once @ the new place for my "graduation-to-OB" ultrasound.  After that, she says we can just keep it to running into each while shopping (we live like a mile from each other) or at Indian community events.

I can haz drugz?

My co-pay for this loveliness is $398.24.  I'm lucky to have 80% coverage through our insurance because if we were OOP that amount would be almost $2000.  ZOMG.  And I'm doubly lucky that I had some (not pictured above) Follistim left over (unopened) from IVF #1, plus a friend gave me some, meaning I've actually saved even more as Follistim is hella pricey.  Hopefully I'll be triple lucky & all of these meds will actually give me a baby (or 2) this time around.

Transvaginal light sabers

I'm all scheduled to get wanded (and sucked dry by vampires) next week.  Tuesday the 17th @ 0730 to be exact.  Woohoo!  

I was under the impression that I was going to be on BCPs for 3 weeks.  Nope; just 2.  So as long as my junk looks good, I start stims the day after my suppression check.  My "box of fun" (meds) will be arriving later this week.  I really should clean my fridge...

Seriously, they should make transvaginal ultrasound wands that look like light sabers from Star Wars.  Who wouldn't want to have a glowing vag?  Maybe they could make them do that "Woooooooooooong!!!" sound while the nurse is routing around in there looking for your ovary!  It'd sure give those early morning appointments more ambiance.

It's on like Donkey Kong!

IVF #2, that is!

AF arrived last night a few hours early but hey, such is life.  Of course that meant sending Vid off to India today for 3 weeks with no good bye sex but I think he'll live.  He'll be back just in time for me to start stims & become a raving lunatic.  I took my 1st BCP today & will go in for a suppression check sometime next week.

Good times, good times.

Hypothyroid

Yet another nail in the coffin of the factory where I did IVF #1: apparently I am hypothyroid & was never told about it.

WHAT?!?!?!?

So Dr. D-W finally got my freaking records from them last week.  Who knew it took 6 weeks for a file to travel literally 2 miles down the road?  Anyways, she reviewed them & called me last night.  As I was in the shower (this was @ like 8pm) she left me a voicemail saying the following (roughly):

"I was reviewing your last bloodwork prior to your cycling for IVF & noticed your TSH was 3.5.  While it's not super high it's high enough for me to suggest putting you on a small dose of Synthroid.  I look for a TSH of under 3 for patients who cycle with me because the evidence is pregnancy rates go up & miscarriage rates go down @ that level.  Your last IUI here (June 2011) it was 2.8 so it's gone up.  Were you aware of this?  Call me or Wendy (the nurse) back & let me know."

Interesting.  My grandma (dad's mom) had her thyroid removed in her 40s.  Actually, most Portuguese women I know have thyroid issues, but I digress.  Grandma also had a history of miscarriages which may be related to that but since that was the 50s they really didn't have knowledge about it then.   

So I called back & left a message.  Wendy got back to me this morning & I will be able to pick up the med on my way home from work.  What's one more pill?

He's beautiful

My nephew, that is:

Me, not so much.  Note the giant splotch which is a remnant of a zit (I'm in the luteal phase on CD 21 btw so AF is still 1 week away; WTF?) & my double chin.  Jeesh.  Oh & that's Vid seated next to me in his awesomely horrible Hawaiian shirt, too afraid to hold the baby.  If you've read this blog for any amount of time you know newborns freak him out but he loves toddlers.  I tell him they're more on his level & he usually tells me to shut up. :)

So, yeah, I survived.  I cooked my sister like 4 dishes so she can just heat & eat whenever she needs to.  She was super thankful & hysterical as always.  My brother-in-law took this week off as vacation time from work so between him, my parents & her in-laws she's got tons of help.  It was just my parents & us over there last night which was nice.

That's not to say I didn't cry when we got home.  I did; not a ton but yeah, I did.  I'll be ok though.  I have to be.  It's not his fault I'm infertile.  And it will be years before he can even understand what that means anyways.  I'd love to experience that kind of innocence again, before I knew I may never get to experience such a miracle of my own.

Still a bridesmaid

You know that saying "always a bridesmaid & never a bride"?  Well, we infertiles have a similar one: "always an aunt, never a mother".

So, I’m an aunt. Well, I’ve been an aunt to friends’ & cousins’ kids for year now, but this time, I’m the proper definition of an aunt.  A real, honest-to-God aunt.  It’s wonderful, painful, depressing & exciting all @ once.

My nephew was born around 5am today. My sister was having spotting all day yesterday & had some on again, off again contractions which seemed to settle down as night fell. Then, around 2am, she was awoken with severe pain that would not go away. She said “I thought he was going to come out of my stomach Alien-style”. Yup, still had her sense of humor right up til the end!

They got to the hospital & they checked her: she was already 8 cm dilated. They broke her bag of water & he was out within 2 hours. 7lb 14oz & no drugs. So not only did she get pregnant without any effort, she also got the kind of delivery most women dream of: quick & natural.

My mom texted me the news so I saw it when my cell phone alarm went off @ 7am. I told Vid but he was still asleep & is the kind of guy who could sleep through a nuclear bomb so I don’t even know if he’s aware yet; he was still out like a light when I left the house to go to work.

I’m sure my nephew is beautiful, but I’m dreading holding him, which makes me a terrible person. I’m dreading it because like all things pregnancy & baby related, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it without becoming a sobbing mess. I am planning on waiting til they're home to meet him because I know I can’t handle walking into a maternity ward. Sad, huh?

I should be happy because my sister & my nephew made it through the pregnancy & delivery without any major complications. Having lived in West Africa, I’ve seen firsthand that this is not the norm for far too many. I really do adore my sister; I don’t want to imagine life without her stories & sense of humor.  She has already been quoted as saying she wants to marry the person who invented the undies with the icepack in the crotch that they give you after delivery.  Ha!

I should also be happy to have a new little buddy to play with & love. I am. But he’ll also serve as a constant reminder of what I don’t have. He is the 1st grandchild to my parents, an honor I was hoping to bestow upon them being the oldest & having been married for 3 years longer than my sister.

I feel sorry in a way for the kid too. He’ll have an infertile aunt who may never give him a cousin to play with. An infertile aunt who will give him awesome Christmas & birthday gifts but who may not be able to be there celebrating with him because it’s too sad. An infertile aunt who will always look @ him with his mom & think “why not me?”.

Thanks, infertility, for ruining pretty much everything.

A meeting of the infertiles club

With this being Father's Day weekend, I was planning on keeping things low key (ok, well, anti-social) for my own mental health & that of my husband.  Vid isn't nearly as vocal as I am about our struggle but it does weigh heavily on him, especially with his mom's still progressing bone cancer.  She's seriously considering stopping chemo & radiation as the side effects are getting to be too much for her.  He often wonders aloud about how he would be remembered if he had no children & there was no biological trace of him left on the planet once he leaves.  His mom has 2 kids (hubby & his very single sister) & no grandkids; will her line die with her?  Morbid, but a very real question as we've now passed the 4 year mark of TTC.

But getting back to my plan of a low key Father's Day weekend: didn't happen.  Totally forgot about my cousin's high school graduation party yesterday where the entire planet would be.  I was planning on making a very quick appearance but got to talking with an aunt of mine which was actually a good thing.

My Aunt K was married to my dad's brother D.  They got divorced like 20 years ago but have been together again for the past 12.  Weird, I know.  The theory is when Aunt K's dad (a pretty evil guy by all accounts; even hers) died in a freak accident they finally didn't have him to deal with & so were able to actually have a healthy relationship without his interference.  Even though Aunt K & Uncle D live in the same state, we don't really see them much; pretty much holidays only. 

Anywho, even though I'm "out" as an infertile I don't usually bring it us unless someone asks about when we're having kids, etc.  So I was talking with Aunt K about my sister who is due any time now & she asked if we planned on having kids.  I told her "planned" was the operative word: we've been trying since just a few months after we got married.

She asked some questions about what our issues were, if we had done any treatment, if we had considered adoption.  I told her about all the failed IUIs, the failed IVF, the upcoming IVF & how I would love to adopt but was scared of it failing too & how Vid was not on board with this concept.  She listened.   And was horrified at the financial costs involved.  But most of all, she didn't try to give any sage advice.  What she did say was "I know what it's like to want & not have; it's awful."

You see, Aunt K was a kind of infertile.  Actually, she had no trouble getting pregnant; she just couldn't carry to term.  She had 3 miscarriages before finally carrying beyond the 1st trimester.  And then she lost pregnancy #4 at 37 weeks with no explanation.  It was Thanksgiving week.  I was 10 & still remember how horribly sad it was for everyone.  A little over a year later she finally had a live baby, my cousin A who is now 21.  She had another miscarriage about a year after A was born & it was @ this point their marriage fell apart.  So maybe it wasn't just Aunt K's dad but also their struggles to have a family that contributed to their divorce.  Hmm.

Anyways, as bad as not being able to get pregnant has been, I can't imagine what it's like to have gone through what she has.  And of course my warped little mind says "What if you finally get pregnant this next IVF & miscarry?".  But even after the hell she went through, my Aunt K went on living.  Not the life she had wanted for herself, I'm sure, but she went on.  Eventually she did have a child which I suppose should give me hope.  Even if our struggles are very different, that feeling of "wanting & not having" is very much the same.  We're a part of a club where nobody wants to be a member of, hoping with every cycle to be able to turn in our membership card.

Prometheus (*spoilers*)

Yum:

For those of you living under a rock, the above photo is of Michael Fassbender.  I love me some Michael Fassbender.  Not only is he beautiful (as well as naked in many films, but not in this one; sorry) he's also an amazing actor.

I also love me some sci-fi. horror too  So, knowing Michael Fassbender was in Prometheus, Vid & I decided to take in a matinee today.  Sci-fi horror seems like a pretty safe genre for an infertile to watch, right? 

Ha!

Here's where infertility comes in: David (Michael Fassbender) goes off on his own when they land on the alien planet and learns that the Engineers were killed by these aliens and that the Engineers wanted to kill their other invention (humans). David is not interested in their motives as he is a robot but archaeologist Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) must know why they want to kill what they created.

Why?

Shaw is romantically involved with fellow archaeologist & shipmate Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) who subscribes to the theory of Darwinism while Shaw wears a necklace with a cross on it.  A conversation about why human kind was purposefully created (if we were) ensues.  Although I cannot remember the exact diaolgue (I tried finding it online to no avail), it ends with Shaw asking the following:

"I can't create life.  What does that say about me?"

Apparently we as a species can fly to distant planets in this movie but we still haven't find a cure for infertility. 

Let the tears begin (both for Shaw & myself). Thank God Vid was next to me.  He put his arm around me & whispered in my ear, "Are you ok?".  I was able to avoid a full-on sob fest.  I don't think anyone around us even noticed.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

IVF #2 consult

We had a meeting with Dr. D-W yesterday to discuss IVF #2 yesterday.  Our meeting further reinforced the fact I was a dumbass to have moved practices for IVF #1 due to anesthesia issues.  Thankfully, this will not be an issue for this IVF as she has gotten the anesthesiologists to change their rules about knocking people out with a BMI of over 40.  Like Dr. D-W said, if there was any true danger she wouldn't do it, but since I have no medical issues (other than obesity) & have been knocked out twice before (once for oral surgery, once for an exploratory lap) with no issues, the rule was just really stupid not just for me but for several of her patients.

She was really curious about my protocol for IVF #1 & why my result was so shitty.  I had requested records be sent before we went on vacation but of course, the other practice hadn't sent them.  I told her what I knew & she was unfortunately not shocked when I told her they were "meh" on a protocol change; she had seen 2 new patients this week already who were running from the other practice because of the same issue.  Dr. D-W said that not changing a protocol was stupid for 2 reasons: 1. it would've meant another likely failed IVF which would suck for me & 2. it would've meant another likely failed IVF which would've sucked for the other practice's success rates.  Exactly!  

Our plan for IVF #2 is as follows: when AF comes to town again (due around 7/2) I will be put on BCPs for ~3 weeks (she may tweak this if needed) but no Lupron this time.  She thinks it may have oversuppressed me & with me being on Zoloft she doesn't want to make me any more crazy than I am already; fine by me.  We'll start with Follistim for 3 days & then add Ganirelix to address my immaturity problem & prevent premature ovulation; she thinks my overall stimming time should be 7-10 days. 

She's going to trigger me with HCG versus Ovidrel this time because in her experience women with higher BMIs tend to do better with HCG.  She also really wonders if there was an issue with empty follicles versus my having ovulated some eggs before we even got to retrieval since my ER was ~40 hrs after trigger & she aims for ~36 hrs after trigger.  ER & ET will likely be the 1st week of August.  She's going to try & do a 5dt for this cycle.  Although she can't guarantee anything she says she's aiming for a dozen egss from me & we'll transfer 1 or 2 depending on quality & quantity fertilized. 

I feel so much better having talked to Dr. D-W.  Again, I think her having been through infertility herself plays a huge role in my liking her.  She's not "warm & fuzzy" (neither am I really) which turns some people off I know but I really appreciate her not talking to patients like they're idiots.  While I'm sure there are some truly clueless infertiles out there I think the vast majority of us are not & regardless, we all deserve to know what we're injecting into our bodies & why.



Back to infertile reality

So we're back from our 2 weeks away.  Iceland was spectacular (save for the food) & France was lovely (save for my apparently being allergic to the entire French countryside) but it's good to be home. 

Here's a photo of a random rainbow from the ride to the airport in Iceland:

If you get a chance, go to Iceland.  So beautiful.  We both already want to go back.

But now, reality.

We have an appt with my old RE, Dr. D-W, on Friday afternoon to discuss what's going to happen with IVF#2. I stopped by her office before we went on vacation to make the appt. Even if it means having to battle my insurance co about paying for anasthesia or paying it ourselves OOP it will be worth it to have a doc who actually communicates. She saw me filling out paperwork to transfer records from IVF #1 & was suprised to see me. She asked if the IVF worked & I told her no, we got only 1 embryo out of it. Her eyes almost bugged out of her head. I told her the other practice was "meh" about making a protocol change so I'm back!

She told me to start taking C0Q10 if it's an egg quality issue because even if it wasn't it won't hurt. So I bought some @ Wholefoods (they have a vegetarian version) & have been taking it for 2 weeks now.  She also mentioned adding LH & maybe some other stuff to the protocol to help mature my eggs. AF arrived yesterday so my next AF will be due around 7/2 which is perfect since my med flex acct refills on 7/1 which will pay for the IVF (but not the meds). We'd likely be looking @ late July/early August for my ER/ET.  Of course that's assuming everything goes according to plan.  And that always happens, right?  It seems the only certainty in this world besides death & taxes seems to be my uterus' ability to expel its contents on cue every 27-28 days.  Kind of like Old Faithful.