Monday, August 8, 2011

Well, that was a terrible idea

We usually go to temple every month or so & then out to eat @ a South Indian restaurant nearby that has a fabulous vegetarian buffet lunch. This temple is about an hour's drive & Vid prefers it as it's mostly southerners (his "people") versus the much closer, much smaller temple which is mostly attended by northerners. Vid asked me if we could go this weekend since our original plans to catch a baseball game (the Boston Red Sox minor league farm team) were quashed by pouring rain yesterday, so off we went.

He lasted not even 10 minutes before he told me "I need to go". As soon as he got in the car, he started crying. I had no idea what was up. He told me after he got his bearings, "Look @ all of the 70 year old women in there playing with their grandkids. My mom will never have that."

He had a point. And I felt sorry for him, but also reminded him that coming to temple has not been easy for me for a very long time either. It's no secret how much I've come to loathe any kind of religious gathering place because it seems any woman under the age of 40 is either pregnant or has a small child.

I feel like between his mom's impending death & our struggles with infertility we're living in exile from normal society. There are so few places that are "old women, pregnant women & small children free" & really, I don't WANT to not be around such people, but I also need to protect my psyche as well as my husband's.

Oh, & I've been eating far too much ice cream as a "coping mechanism", which is not good since IVF is just around the corner. I've always been an emotional eater & the past few weeks have NOT helped. Seriously, buy stock in Ben & Jerry's if you can; you'll make millions off my misery.

But seriously, I think I'm self sabotaging myself in a way because I really don't want to do IVF but my husband does. And with his mom's situation, he's even more gung-ho about having a genetic child as a way of his mom continuing on even after she's gone. I just want a kid. Period. I'm burnt out. I surrender to the utter suckage that are my girly bits. I pray every day he just says "Fuck it: let's adopt" but I know it's not going to happen.

At any rate, our tickets to India are booked at least. Vid's leaving this Friday & I'm leaving next since I need a visa to travel & wanted some extra time to have it processed just to be on the safe side. We'll be coming back together. I will have internet connection there but obviously given the situation I don't know how often or timely my postings will be. Any prayers for MIL's comfort that you could spare would be much appreciated.


Serendipitie said...

I'm so sorry :( Hope you have a safe trip and T+P for your husband's family

Jill said...

I've been thinking of your MIL. I can imagine how tough this trip will be - I'm wishing you and Vid strength!