Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I managed to get my SHG done on Monday morning with only a 2 hour delay thanks to the lovely blizzard we had this weekend. Much like the HSG I had 1 1/2 years ago there was only some mild cramping. My RE asked if it was ok for the new nurse to be in on the procedure; I said it was fine since she'll probably be seeing a lot more of my ladygarden in the coming months anyways. I then made an offhanded comment about how @ this point they could erect a billboard of my crotch over Interstate 95 & nobody would care since most of New England has seen my vajayjay anyways which made the nurse snort. Maybe I've missed my calling as an infetility stand-up comedian?
Anyways, me & the crotch cam (transvaginal ultrasound wand) are now BFFs again. My RE said everything looked fine. She talked to the anasthesia people who I talked to earlier in the day & they said so long as I make my magic BMI number we're good to go with the IVF. So, I need to lose another 15 lbs. Fuuuck. I know I can do it but it just sucks that EVERYTHING else checks out fine except for my ass being wide. So when CD3 comes to town again I'll step on the scale & see if we've made it or not. I highly doubt I'll be able to lose 15 lbs in 3 weeks but that's fine; I think I can do it in 7 without a problem. So that means we'll likely be cycling in February: happy anniversary to us!
Vid did his semen analysis yesterday so hopefully that checks out ok. Of course they did such a super crappy job plowing the roads that he nearly skidded into a phone pole on the way to the hospital to drop off his sample. I can only imagine him trying to explain to a police officer while filing a report that he needs to get his sperm cup to the urologist in 1 hour or less!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
So we sat with my doctor & her nurse (not the same one from her old office but she seems nice) for about an hour & chatted about what's happened since my last IUI over 6 months ago. Since it's been 1 1/2 years since I had an HSG & about the same amount of time since Vid has had an SA those tests need to be repeated in order for us to get our insurance to pay their part. My 1st HSG wasn't bad; just a wee bit of cramping. I'm scheduled to get that done next week. I have to call the urologist in the morning to schedule the SA. Yes, me. Because my husband says he will do it, but after almost 3 years of marriage I know better by now than to believe that he won't misplace the paperwork for it. All I can say is he's lucky he's cute.
Additionally, I need to have an anesthesia test done as I'm over a certain BMI per the protocol of medical center where the IVF procedures will be taking place. Basically, it's to make sure they won't have any problems if they need to intubate me for some reason during ER or ET. My RE doesn't see me having any issue with passing this test, especially since I was knocked out for my lap just 4 months ago & had no problems. And besides being obese, I have no medical issues. But rules are rules & so ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
My RE says I've done great with the weight loss & to keep it up but she doesn't see it affecting the quality or quantity of my eggs given I've responded fine to stims for past IUIs. So long as my ovaries "pop up well" (her words; LOL), meaning they are easy to see for monitoring purposes, she has no problem with us doing IVF. Yet again, she had no problem seeing anything for the IUIs so we should be ok.
Before we left Vid & I both had bloodwork done. 8 vials for me, 2 for him. And yes, I had to hold his hand so he wouldn't pass out. Hey, whatever gets us that much closer to parenthood, I'm good with.
So far as what my protocol will be, it depends on what the test results show. My RE thinks so long as everything is ok, & she sees no reason it won't be, I'd likely go on BCPs & then a low & slow Lupron stim regimen. Of course, we'll sit down with a calendar & go over things in more detail before starting but I like having a clue on what to expect.
I'm excited, hopeful & terrified all @ once!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I know, you're probably thinking "Why the f@#% do you torture yourself watching that program?"; I often wonder this too. I really only watched the 1st season of "16 & Pregnant" & that cast as "Teen Mom"; I have only seen short bits & pieces of the latest seasons.
Of the couples on that show, I've long found it ironic that the ones who were the most mature about their situation, Kaitlyn & Tyler, were also the ones who actually thought of their child's future & decided it was best to put her up for adoption. I can't even imagine how hard that must've been; kudos to them.
Amber, on the other hand...
Yeah, I totally called it. If it's true she's pregnant AGAIN (Star Magazine hasn't won any Pulitzers lately, has it?) it just adds credence to my theory that God has nothing to do with who gets knocked up @ the drop of a hat & who does not. But apparently Amber thinks this may all just be meant to be:
To make a bad situation worse, troubled Amber has been with so many guys in the past three months, she has no idea who the father could be. Amber is hoping that her ex-fiancé Gary Shirley turns out to be the father, says the insider. "She thinks they're meant to be together."
First off, BARF @ being with "so many guys in the past 3 months", & if you're going to turn your vajayjay into Grand Central Station, then USE PROTECTION! You'd think she'd have learned this after, oh, I dunno, SHE GOT PREGNANT THE FIRST TIME.
Second, hoping this child is your ex's because "she thinks they've meant to be together": NO IT DOES NOT MEAN THIS. Has she not watched her own show? If you look up "abusive relationship" in the dictionary, their picture is there. She needs some serious psychiatric help (speaking as someone who works in psych research & also goes to therapy thanks to infertility) & he needs to RUN AWAY until she gets some. Think about the well being of the kid you already have, FFS!
Finally, I don't like criticizing people's appearances as I am no supermodel, but that orange glow tan? NO. Maybe she's hoping to land a guest spot on "Jersey Shore" or something? Whaddyathink?:
Monday, December 13, 2010
I also won't be going to the other cousin's shower next month. It's in NJ which is a bit of a haul & God knows what the weather will be like in January. Plus, with IVF probably just around the corner (it better be! I'm sick of being patient!) I may need to be local for monitoring or whatever. My parents will be on vacation in Mexico for this one (lucky) so my mom won't be attending. I may just throw a gift card in the mail.
I'm also debating my attendance at Christmas. I feel very conflicted about this. I know at least 1 of the 3 pregnant cousins will be there & I'm just not in the mood. However, this could very well be the last holiday we celebrate in my grandparents' house as it's going on the market after the new year. Maybe we'll just "chew & screw" so I don't feel guilty but also don't have to lock myself in the bathroom to cry at some point.
I just don't want to deal with people. I'm officially anti-social.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
The holidays are hard enough to deal with as an infertile between getting Christmas cards with the cherubic faces of your friends' kids on them & dealing with a million family gatherings full of pregnant cousins. I really, really don't need your stupid commercials to remind me of my infertility as well.
You've undoubtedly seen the commercial I'm referring to. If not, click here to watch it, but don't say I didn't warn you.
It's the one where the mom is rocking her infant next to the Christmas tree. Her husband walks in and she says, "You're up? It's 2 a.m." He replies, "It's not just 2 a.m. It's 2 a.m. Christmas morning." Our first Christmas together as a family." Apparently I missed the memo that my husband & I are not considered to be a "real" family since we don't have a baby even after 2.5 years of trying.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Suck on that, smug preggos!
I've always thought these spots were stupid, even before I got dealt the PCOS & Endo cards. Why are they stupid? For starters, most pregnant women are not disabled; if they were, they would qualify for an actual handicap parking permit. Furthermore, if their pregnancies or small children are that difficult to manage that they cannot walk a few extra parking spaces, perhaps they should make their hubby or SO stop for milk, bread, etc. Also, these spaces are not legally enforceable like handicap spots, so what's the point?
Please spare me the "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE 8 MONTHS PREGNANT AND HAVE SWOLLEN CANKLES!!1!ONE!!11!" whine; I am well aware of the fact I have never had the experience of an almost full-term fetus in my body.
Bitter? Yes. I own it. Some day, I do hope to overcome it, but until then, how about a "Bitter Infertiles Only" parking spot? You know, for those days when your ovarian cysts are making themselves known with stabbing pains. Or when AF is on the way & you want to reach up your vagina & rip your ute out because the cramps are so bad. Or when you've been on stims for IVF for several days & are so bloated you could roll into the store from the parking lot. I imagine a sign for such a spot would look something like this:
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
So, our next move in the game of infertility has been made: I just scheduled an appointment with my RE to talk IVF. On December 30th. Only a month & a day from now.
I am scared shitless.
I honestly don't remember feeling this kind of fear. EVER. And I've done some pretty crazy/weird/daring stuff in my life by most peoples' standards.
But IVF, man, that's a big, expensive step. And also very final. Because if it doesn't work & if any embryos we may get from FETs fail, then we have no other options to have biological children. I don't plan on doing IVF more than once or twice @ the most.
There is, of course, always adoption. And even though I'm fine with that, my husband is not. At least not right now; I've been working on it but also don't want to push it. He's just as scared of IVF not working as I am. Perhaps even more so.
So, here we go. Hopefully I don't self sabotage & end up gaining back all the weight I've lost with holiday goodies. Looking @ my cycles (still as reliable as ever) I should be on about CD10 or so for my consult which means I'll be getting AF near Vid's birthday on January 14th (no birthday luvin' for him; oh well) & we may be cycling for IVF as soon as then. That's only 6 weeks away.
Friday, November 26, 2010
I wish I could say I feel refreshed from some time away but I honestly don't. Now comes even more stress. The holidays mean dealing with family, including 3 pregnant cousins. I've already informed my mother I will not be attending any baby showers & am giving her $ towards getting them gifts as I cannot even fathom stepping into Babies R Us right now without bursting into tears or something.
My therapist is actually collecting data on her patients for a study she is doing on women dealing with infertiity & their symptomology being similar to what is seen in people with PTSD. Working in psych research I can attest she's onto something. Here are just some of the criteria for this diagnosis:
Nightmares (I posted about this a few months ago), anger (indeed), insomnia (check), avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event (in my case, baby showers), an expectation that one's future will not be "normal" when compared to others (the fact I will not be able to enjoy any pregnancy I may have in the future for fear of losing it).
I want to make it clear I am in no way self diagnosing myself as having PTSD, but I am very intrigued by this theory. One thing I know for sure though is I will never, ever forget the experience of being infertile.
Monday, November 15, 2010
I know several perfectly sane infertile women who have bought baby gear ranging from a cute $5 onesie to the Cadillac of cribs. For a very long time I've given them a bit of a side eye, I'll admit. But at the same time I totally get how it sucks to have to walk into Babies R Us & print out yet another registry full of items that will not be used by you but you want so desperately to need.
From shopping for everyone's baby stuff over the past several years I've come to know there's a whole lot of crap out there people will buy because they are told they need it. As my husband likes to point out, he slept in an old sari fashioned into a sling for the first several years of his life & turned out "just fine". Well, the fact that he is "just fine" can be argued I guess; he does calculus for fun but doesn't seem to understand the concept of matching socks into pairs. Here's a photo of what I'm talking about in case you have a heard time imagining this set up (not the socks, the sari):
While I don't plan on doing the same for our kids, I do think I'll be an earthy-crunchy kind of parent. I'd love to give birth naturally given the fact we will probably never be able to conceive naturally. Then again I was almost 10 lbs & my husband was over 8lbs (my mom-in-law is your typical tiny Indian woman); we were also both 2 weeks late. So it's probably just a nice thought.
I also want to breastfeed as long as possible. I want to make our own baby food. I want to cloth diaper. And apparently we're also earthy-crunchy for leaving our phantom sons' foreskins alone: we won't circumcise. I didn't know this was a "new, hip" thing to do of late, but given Vid is Hindu & I'm Catholic, neither religion says we need to do it so we won't. Cutting off a part of my kid for no good reason seems mean to say the least, but I won't get into that argument now.
I anticipate getting a lot of hand-me-down clothes from friends when the blessed event of my being pregnant comes, given, of course, they haven't been eaten by moths by then. And I'm fine with that. I fully plan on using the dresser set we have in our 2nd bedroom when it turns into a baby room. And if a friend wants to give me their old crib, that'd be awesome! I'm not picky about things matchy; in fact, I rather like things that are not store bought, pre-fab sets.
Which brings me to my final thought for now: I love this idea for baby room decor. It's not your typical baby animals of some sort theme. And the colors are bright, which I also love, because I HATE PASTELS. Change out the pink accents for blue and you could make it appropriate for a boy. Or use red, yellow, purple or green & it's completely gender neutral! The best part is it doesn't require painting walls since I am assuming we will still be renting this place if/when we have a baby.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
My best guess is I ovulated on Monday so we made sure to do the deed a few times this weekend. I don't know what came over me, but I burst into tears on Sunday night just as Vid was about to, umm, commence activities. Of course it totally freaked him out. I just kept telling him "I hate this, there's no point" which he did not take kindly to.
We took a time out for an hour or so to get my composure back & I explained to him I didn't hate him, but I hate the fact that after 2.5 years of perfectly timed sex we have nothing to show for it. We're young & besides my IF issues healthy so sex should be something I want, but I really could care less, and it hurts because I love him so very much. Of course he still lives in la-la land that a miracle with eventually occur. I wish I had his faith. We eventually did have intercourse, but I still can't believe I had a major meltdown like that.
When I brought this up to my therapist, she didn't bat an eye. She said actually this is quite common among infertiles as women tend to have a harder time separating the physical aspect of sex from the psychological. What's more, an informal survey of the ladies on an infertility message board I frequent backs this up. But either way, it doesn't make me feel any better about what happened.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I've been meaning to read "The Kite Runner" for quite sometime but just never got around to it. There isn't much time for leisure reading when taking night classes & working full time. I tend to gravitate towards books about far away lands & cultures; I guess I'll always be an anthropologist at heart.
I knew it was about an Afghani boy who eventually comes to the US but that was about it. What I didn't know was the central character in the book ends up marrying a woman & when they TTC they end up diagnosed with unexplained infertility. And after a long, arduous journey back to Afghanistan, he (the main character) ends up finding his long lost half-brother's son in an orphanage; his half-brother's family, save for his son, had all been killed by the Taliban. He ends up bringing him back to the US & adopting him even though adoption is very taboo in Afghanistan, much like it is in India.
I brought this up the other day to my therapist; she herself had not read the book but was intrigued. She knows how resistant my husband is to adoption & suggested perhaps getting him to read the book too. I told her I'd try but unless it has to do with ridiculously difficult math or military history I doubt he'd be interested. We'll see. In the meantime, she is trying to find an Indian couple who have adopted from her friends in various adoption agencies for Vid to talk with because I think that's the only way he'll come around on the adoption issue.
By the way, we still plan on trying IVF, but if it doesn't work, I cannot imagine my life childless. I've always been open to adoption but honestly didn't think I'd have to have such a conversation about what to do if we can't get pregnant. I never thought we'd be in this situation & really, unless & until we've exhausted all of our biological resources, I don't think adoption is even on Vid's radar. To me, a child is a child & I just want to be someone's mommy.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
At home, lounging in the kitchen with her husband, Eric, and their dogs, Colling came across another posting by her brother's girlfriend about her pregnancy. She read parts of it aloud to Eric: "'Feel like crap . . . feel in pain, stressed out, so sick of this feeling.' "
Diane tried to suppress a frown. "I'd kill for that sometimes," she said. "I'd love to be in her place."
Friday, October 22, 2010
My mother calls me last night & asks if I'm sitting down. I think "oh God who else is effing knocked up" but she assures me this is not the reason for her call. Rather, she has a story to share.
I have a cousin, S., who is 28, unmarried, living with an unemployed abusive boyfriend, gets numerous forms of gov't assistance, is anorexic & somehow still has 3 kids. She works as an "exotic dancer" (a.k.a stripper) @ one of the many shady places in our fine capital city. Of course, she is not on the books (no W2 filled out, etc.) with this gig.
Her sister, K., is actually normal (married with a 2 year old, one on the way & has a job) & she calls on her ALL.THE.FARKING.TIME because she cannot function. So when S calls K the other day to see if she can pick up her oldest kid from lst grade (btw, child is 7 & wasn't potty trained til 5) because she's @ the hospital K doesn't blink & simply asks "Oh is one of the other kids sick?". S's reply:
"No; they think I fractured my ankle or something. I fell off the pole when I was dancing & landed weird on my ankle."
It was @ this point I ran to the bathroom before I p!ssed myself from laughing too hard.
But seriously, how the hell does she get 3 & I can't even get 1?!?! This is why it makes me want to cut a bitch whenever people say "Maybe it's not in God's plans for you to have children." Really? I have a wonderful husband who would be a spectacular father. We're both employed. We're educated. We aren't on crack or selling our bodies to strangers. So WTF is the problem? God does not "plan" to give flaming idiots children to eff up; at least not the God I grew up hearing about. It's all a matter of luck. And I'm apparently just not very lucky.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I used to think people who had kids so close together were nuts. I have a friend who had her 2 sons only 15 months apart & my mom is a mere 11 months older than my Uncle Paul. However, given our situation, I think we may seriously consider trying for #2 as soon as we get clearance from my doctor, which usually happens somehwere between 6 & 12 weeks depending on the damage done to one's nether regions. That is, if we even get to have #1 at this point. Still, my ladygarden hurts just thinking about having 3 kids in the span of 26 months. Maybe I'll get to have a super cool 11-11-11 baby?!?! Yeah, doubt it...
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
There is no excuse for this, especially when there are these all over the place:
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Of course, The Vatican has a problem with this. Needless to say I differ with the Catholic Church on its teaching that conception should only be the product of intimacy between a husband & wife. What us infertiles wouldn't give to just get pregnant by having sex with our spouse! Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way for everyone. If we need to do IVF to have children, I should hope the Catholic Church wouldn't look down upon our offspring as being any less worthy of life & love.
After all, Jesus himself wasn't born of sexual relations.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Disturbed doesn't even to describe how I felt when I woke up. Number one, I really like my RE. Number two, she'd NEVER tell someone in my shoes to "just relax". I'd like to think I'm not a homicidal maniac. Where the eff did this come from? I'd love to hear some interpretations.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
My favorite line from the story:
When they asked Camp if she wanted to make a statement or answer questions, she told deputies, "It's OK, I suck."
Yes; yes, you do.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Let's just say I am biting my tongue as best as I can.
But I did post the link with a small comment:
"Give me a freaking break. How about not assuming all of your childless friends are so by choice? How terrible it must be to have a child that needs you!"
And I'd like to also point out that the vast majority of my friends have kids. Heck, one just gave birth last week. But we still manage to find time to get together once in a while. It's not like in high school when we had class together & then had drama practice after school, but it's every month or 2 for those of us who are still local. I work full time & take 2 night classes so I'm not exactly rolling around in free time myself. But, I value my friendships, and so do my friends, one of whom is a stay-at-home mom who looks forward to an occasional dinner and chat that doesn't include Mickey Mouse.
My basic point is you don't have to let having children or being childless ruin your friendships; you merely need to make adjustments, much in the same way most of us did when some of us were single & others had gotten married. And just like some of my friends are probably not single by choice, there are those of us who are not childless by choice. So please don't tell me to walk a mile in your shoes, because if you had to walk a mile in mine & experience the hope that this *might* finally be the cycle your body actually does it's job & creates a new life only to wake up to another pair of ruined panties you'd take offense to this too.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Grandpa passed away on Saturday night surrounded by 3 of his 4 remaining children (my uncle John passed away in 2006) & 9 of his 12 grandkids. The funeral is on Friday to give enough time for family who are coming in from far away. Like most in my family, he was cremated. We'll bury him next to my grandma, save for a spoonful which we will throw into the ocean; it's a bit of a family tradition.
This was the 2nd grandparent we've buried in a little over 6 months. My dad's mom is still alive & kicking; her mother lived to be 101 so I'm hoping she'll be around for quite some time. My dad & uncle Bob convinced her to switch shrinks when my gradnpa died. In this short of a period of time, her meds have been cut way back with some new ones added. Not only is she now pleasant to be around & doesn't exhibit histrionic or borderline traits, but she is now able to walk without a cane because she's actually steady on her feet. Whatever she was on before clearly made her gait dangerous.
I think what pisses me off about this grandpa's death is it was completely due to his lifestyle. Of course, who's to say how long he would've been around if he were not an alcoholic, but it bothers me. He had just turned 79 not quite 2 weeks ago; his father literally dropped dead @ 91. And I do mean literally: he got up out of his chair to take the dog for a walk & just dropped dead. My other 2 deceased grandparents died because of medical issues that were flukes: my mom's mom had a massive stroke with no warning & my dad's dad had brain cancer like Ted Kennedy did. Working in psych I know alcoholism is a disease but it doesn't make it easier to accept the reason for his death.
And during all of this, I had to deal with my 2 pregnant cousins who are due just days apart from each other talking about nothing but how much pregnancy sucks & showing photos of the decor for their baby rooms. And I tried, I mean I really tried to just smile & say nothing, but it didn't work. Of course one brought up the "just adopt & you'll get pregnant" advice to which I replied with the stat that only 2% of infertile women who adopt magically become pregnant on their own. Besides, we don't have $20,000 plus hanging around to pursue adoption right now. We're lucky enough to have 80% coverage for infertility treatment, but even with that we've still spent thousands in the past 2 years. Also, I am still working on getting my husband to see adoption is even an option. Although I'm all for it, he is very iffy given how taboo it is in India. Still, I'm working on it, because above all else, I want kids, be they biological or adopted.
The day after he died I was @ my parents' house helping make the arrangements when my mom said 1 of said pregnant cousins was wondering if I was mad @ her for being pregnant due to some things I said. I told her no but people should be aware by now of my struggles to conceive & be more aware of things they say around me; it's not like I've been secrative about my infertility. My mom then told me they felt uncomfortable around me, to which I countered I feel uncomfortable every day when I am surrounded by pregnant people being 31 & everyone I know either has kids, is pregnant, or just started trying & will probably get to have a child before me even though we've been going @ this for 2 years.
Infertility has made me socially awkward. I accept it. It's the reason I currently see a therapist. And in talking to my mother she also let me know it was affecting her too. Every time she gets together with friends there's always the question of if we were expecting yet; after all, we've been married for a while now. And like me she wants so bad to buy cute baby outfits. But she can't, because it's not happening like it's supposed to through good old fashioned intercourse. It's not even been able to happen with medical intervention thus far. But she said she doesn't want to talk about it a lot because she doesn't want me to feel like it's my fault she's not a grandmother yet. She knows how hard we've been trying & just how very much we want this.
I've never talked to my in laws about this & am beginning to wonder if I should. Vid says they haven't said anything to them but I can't help but wonder. With my mother in law's health issues I really feel like a failure we haven't been able to give her a grandchild yet. But I don't even know how to bring it up since they are half a world away. It's the kind of conversation you have over coffee when you have time to spare, you know? Not over a crappy phone line to India.
I just want a baby already!
Monday, September 13, 2010
Dumped in a plane toilet bin: The newborn boy rescued from Gulf Air jet by cleaners
Monday, September 6, 2010
Anyways, my cousin who lives in his house with her husband & daughter was very freaked out by his color; she called it "Shrek green". And then she found his bed covered in blood & excrement when she went to do laundry. She called my aunt, who lives down the street, who forced him to go to the hospital.
He's @ 20% liver function. And they aren't sure where the bleeding is coming from, but it appears to have stopped, at least for now. At any rate, 20% is not good. In fact, it's really bad. As in, so bad he may not make it out of the hospital & is most certainly not going home.
My NJ relatives came up, except for my newly married & already pregnant cousin as she & her husband had a wedding in Maryland to attend this weekend. And just when I thought I was in the clear when it came to dealing with pregnant bellies in my face, my mom casually mentions to me my cousin who lives with my grandfather is...wait for it...pregnant with #2.
Seriously? FML. Well, at least she told me before I saw her @ the hospital & was greeted with a 16 week baby bump. I haven't seen this cousin for 3 months but my mother said she's known for almost 2 months. She could tell I was pretty pissed she didn't tell me sooner but she said it was because of the major breakdown I had when she told me about newly married cousin being knocked up.
Really? So wait & tell me about this one as we're going to the hospital to see my terminally ill grandfather. Great job, mom! And the best part? They're due within a week of each other. How fun!
*** eyeroll ***
Friday, September 3, 2010
Since today is CD3 he also set me for b/w to check my LH & FSH since he did not see anything wrong with my ovaries outside of the 1 cyst; they both actually had corpus luteum on surgery day. He also showed me pictures of the endo they removed which was hiding behind my left ovary & fallopian tube. Sneaky!
And with that, I'm back to work on Tuesday since Monday is Labor Day. School also starts on Tuesday. Busy busy!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Note the juxtaposition of the sanitary napkin & tampon ad to the pregnancy test ad. Bwahahaha! What, nobody else finds this amusing? I'm telling you it's mocking me, making fun of what I go through every few months when I decide if I should buy another jumbo box of Always @ BJ's Wholesale Club or hold on to the hope that miracles supposedly happen.
Oh, to be a fertile who doesn't have a clue what it's like to wonder if you'll ever see a positive pregnancy test or a heartbeat on a sonogram. To a fertile, this was just an ad in the Sunday paper. To me, it's the rollercoaster ride I've gone through every cycle for over 2 years now.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Haven't Met You Yet (Michael Buble)
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility
And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life
And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility
And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet
They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united
And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get
Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet
I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get
I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
I just haven't met you yet
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The good news is my tubes are clear & my ovaries have been drilled. The doctor removed a big, honkin' cyst from my right ovary I didn't even know was there. He found some endo, but I'm fuzzy on the details since I was still kind of in lala land when we talked & Vid was (per usual) not paying attention. I'm tender but not in horrible pain; they gave me a script for pain meds I've been using sparingly. I'm out of medical leave from work til Labor Day anyways.
My follow up appointment to discuss things more in depth next Friday 9/3 & to make sure everything is healing up ok. Right now I'm just looking forward to being able to shower tomorrow night!
I also saved the hospital bracelets from the procedure. I plan on putting them in a future baby book as a kind of a souvenir of my infertility journey. I just hope I get to start filling out that book sooner rather than later.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
We got to talking & I asked her what was new since it's been about 6 months since my last failed IUI. She's leaving her current practice (part of a larger corporation based in Boston) next month & moving literally a mile down the road. She & a couple of other REs from the area are starting a new practice & she's hoping to take much of her current staff with her. I really hope she takes the ultrasound tech who is one of my favorite people on earth. No really. As she's shoving the transvaginal ultrasound wand in she says things like "Oh! Look @ that happy little follicle growing nice & big on the left!" Ha!
We also talked about what I think my next moves might be after my surgery later this month. I told her I was still debating whether or not I wanted to do IVF & if we did it it'd probably be @ the end of next year/beginning of next year so we could prepare financially & emotionally. She said she understood what a big decision it was as she had been there herself.
Yup, my RE is herself an infertile. I had no idea. I knew she was married with 2 kids. She didn't go into the details, but she told me she went through IVF for both of her kids & even introduced me to her daughter.
Infertility truly is everywhere, but it seems almost nobody talks about it openly. I've had so many people I know in real life e-mail me, call me or stop me @ the grocery store to talk in a whisper about their ovaries, their hubby's sperm count, etc. Off the top of my head, I can think of 4 women I graduated from high school with who have messaged me on Facebook about their struggles after seeing my posting about ours. Maybe I'm a bit too open about things @ times, but I'm ok with that if it helps educate others about infertility.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Anyways, this quote is from Laura Bush's book. It's beautiful & completely true. It sums up what I want to scream from the rooftops but have never had the ability to put into a single, simple paragraph:
"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
In the 1st one I dreamed married only 10 weeks & already 8 weeks pregnant cousin was chasing me in her wedding dress with a huge baby bump. In the second one, I was kidnapped by my mother, thrown in the trunk of her car & driven against my will to NJ (where said cousin is from) to her baby shower. I should point out my mother drives a Hyundai Accent & I'm 5'10" & plus size so it must've been quite a feat for her to stuff me in the trunk!
As if being infertile in reality isn't bad enough, it's now invaded my REM sleep as well! Usually I have pleasant or amusing dreams if I dream @ all. Hopefully this is not the start of a new pattern.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Yeah, so, I can't take this no baby shit anymore. My cousin's lovely announcement basically put me over the edge. I'm not blaming her for getting pregnant or anything like that. If it wasn't her, surely it would be my other cousin who just got married or the 2 friends I have getting married later this year. Shit, all 4 of them will probably have kids before me @ this rate. Let's just say the Zoloft alone is no longer cutting it. So now not only am I the hair club president, but I'm also a client: I work in psych research & am now on the receiving end of therapy. The person I am seeing comes recommended by my RE & actually specializes in dealing with folks with fertility issues. Hopefully she'll give me the tools I need to get through this & not be so bitchy to people who manage to get knocked up on their honeymoon. Oops, did I say that out loud? Whatever...
Friday, July 2, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
"Also, my cousin's wedding is next weekend. I don't know if they'll be trying to get pregnant right away or not, yet I'm almost certain she'll get knocked up before me. Thank God it's an open bar!"
Yup, they've been married a whole 5 weeks & she's knocked up. My dear, sweet mother decided to tell me the news WHILE DRIVING. Thanks, mom. My day wasn't rough enough, let's see if we can make me get into an accident too. Of course I broke down in tears. I hate that infertility has turned what should be happy occasions into painful ones.
If there was every an infertility movie, I have a great idea for a title:
Friday, June 25, 2010
Unfortunately, it could probably be a daily feature. But I digress. And give you this as a first installment:
Couple Tried to Sell Baby Outside Walmart for $25
I hate people.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
You're probably saying "Creighton model? WTF does that mean? Well, it's best described as the Catholic church's answer to seeing an RE. For more info, see http://www.creightonmodel.com/. Don't worry, I'm still a bad Catholic in many ways (ha!) but I'm also open minded about alternatives to doing more IUIs or having to go down the IVF road. Maybe I'm just delaying the inevitable, but considering it's been 2 years of nada, what's another few months of this?
In addition to seeing Monica I'm also being refered to a gyno who specializes in endometriosis. I've had a thought in the back of my mind for quite a while as to if I have that given my mother's recurrent issues with fibroids & the fact (TMI ALERT!) that when I have my period I often pass what can be described as grape jelly: dark purple/black clots. However, my periods aren't painful like most women with endo. Then again, I'm also the weirdo with super regular cycles who has PCOS.
My appt to see Dr. Endo (not his real name) is on July 16. I'm hoping we'll be able to schedule a lap to be done by the end of summer because when classes start up again in the fall, fuggeddaboudit. Also, Vid is off for the summer (lucky college profs & their schedules!) so he can be my nursemaid while I recover. Ha! Not that I'm looking forward to surgery, but it'll be nice to know if there's endo or not for certain.
Add another person to the list of people all up in my junk
Monday, June 14, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Has it really been 2 years of this bull crap already? It feels like 900 sometimes. We started actively trying (charting) in 6/08 after I took my last BCP in 4/08. Apparently I never needed to worry about getting knocked up after all. I could have a toddler by now if I was one of those magical women who get knocked up their first cycle.
Ok, that was a truly depressing thought. Maybe I'll go eat my feelings with the above posted cake now.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
We spent yesterday mostly in transit from Chicago back home & therefore avoided most reminders that it was, in fact, Mothers' Day. We flew on Southwest (as usual) who offered a free adult beverage to all moms on the flight. Couldn't even catch a break @ 30,000 feet! I was very tempted to ask for one just to see if they would ask to see my non-existant Cesarian section scar. Truly, those of us who are non-moms probably need a Bloody Mary on Mother's Day more than moms do with all the reminders of what we don't have on that day.
I did find a great article on Mothers' Day from the perspective of someone who dealt with fertility issues. Here's the link; I've taken the liberty of C&P'ing it below:
On May 9th, overpriced flower arrangements will brighten homes, and restaurants will serve multi-calorie brunches. Reminders will be whispered: “hey, be nice to your mom for a minute.”
Sure, Mother’s Day feels a tad manufactured. But if I can get a gift out of this bogus holiday, I’ll take it. Admittedly, I am a giddy idiot on Mother’s Day. I’m also a hypocrite because for a long time I avoided the day as hard as I could. Just the drugstore greeting card rack would make me queasy. I loathed May.
For years, at Spring social gatherings, some women would innocently ask why we didn’t have children. Others would overhear and exclaim what a great father my husband would be, so why on earth didn’t we have kids? When I would give a tight-lipped answer: “we’re trying,” they would not go silent.
They meant well, but they would loudly persist with up-beat advice: stories of this sister or that friend who had tried forever, and then a “miracle” had happened. Others would overhear, and join in. I would instantly feel forehead, upper lip, and low back-sweat from the sudden attention. All I’d wanted was a snack. Now, crudite in hand, I was up against the food table, being advised by pretty, chipper moms bouncing beautiful, pudgy babies on their hips.
A lot of “You Should” advice came my way. From the “latest technique in Europe,” to “just adopt from China” – everyone weighed in. I understood it all came from them wanting to help. It was meant with goodwill. But it was a painful, overwhelming subject for me. I just wanted to throw dip in the air and run. Those were the nice women. Some women were, um, well… they were turds.
The success of my first movie coincided with some awful events in my quest to be a mom. I’ll keep the details private, but quite frankly, it sucked. I was emotionally and physically exhausted.
During this time, I would run into The Coven – a group of not-nice-women. These women had, at one time, been actresses. Now they were married to men in the film industry, or their husbands were in our social circle. They made me nervous.
We all know the type of woman I’m talking about here: the ones who say nasty things to women. The Coven seemed stymied by the fact that they were not working actresses and I, far less attractive, appealing and talented than them, was. Often, I can tell when I walk in a room how people feel about themselves. To the optimist, I represent hope of what is possible. But to the pessimist, I represent the stench of their own perceived failure. I will be the first to admit, wow, I stepped into some good fortune with my first movie. I don’t consider myself particularly special. I got lucky. These women would wholeheartedly agree with my assessment of myself. Sadly, they were not secure women. When they saw me, their mascara’d eyes would shoot daggers at my skull.
Now, as the gossip leaked out that I was struggling to have a child, while these women were on their second and third – they realized they had something over me. They could breed. And I couldn’t.
So, at a casual backyard barbecue, where all were invited to celebrate Mother’s Day, the women of The Coven would surround me, the barren one, to squeal about how “amaaaaazing” their pregnancies had been. How their husbands had looked at them with “awe and gratitude” as they gave birth. How breastfeeding was a “gift.” One woman actually made fun of my anatomy while proclaiming how her body worked “perfectly.” It was sad how they needed to make me feel inadequate, and yes it hurt. And sure, I could have innocently asked: “…did pregnancy hormones grow your moustache, or did you have it before?” But I didn’t. Not because I was so evolved and took the high road… nope, I was scared of them so I would escape as quickly as I could.
Women like this are missing out on real female friendships. Okay, maybe it’s just shoe shopping and cellulite talk, but I value it. I was happy for these women who got to be moms. Why couldn’t they just be kind? It was Mother’s Day after all.
No matter where I went on this day, I was an easy target. If I drank anything non-alcoholic, there were women who would pat my tummy and say “when are you due?” A small social guideline: don’t ask a woman if she is pregnant, unless her water breaks on your flip-flops, a baby arm dangles out of her vagina and she asks you to cut the cord. Then, and only then, may you ask if she is having a baby. Otherwise, shut up.
So, for years, I avoided venturing out on Mother’s Day. I feared the entire day and the feeling of failure it would bring. I would call my sisters, sister-in-law and mom on that day and wish them well. They had the grace and kind-heartedness to never admonish me for not trying this technique, or that plan. My sweet family and my good kind friends never pried. They would always listen when I asked for advice, or when I lost it after the latest route or adoption had fallen through. One good friend even quietly handed me a prayer card.
My own mother is kind, compassionate, ironic, focused, optimistic and above all, discreet. Sadly, some of our friends have lost their mothers. I am thankful for every day I have with mine. My mom possesses all the values I cherish and look for in my friendships and relationships.
And, when my husband and I told our family and friends we’d been matched with our perfect daughter through American Foster Care – their elation was profoundly moving. They welcomed our then three-year-old daughter with a joy and happiness that was beyond anything I could have imagined. There is no limit to the amount of attention, kindness and warmth our families and friends - the “aunties” and “uncles” - shower on our daughter. Over a year later, she is thriving in an environment of love and care.
Some of these people are not parents. Often, at parties, especially on Mother’s Day, these friends and family are the target of the well-meaning questions or downright spiteful comments I myself once endured.
Please, on Mother’s Day, have some compassion. If you see someone without kids, do not ask them why they don’t have children, why they don’t just adopt, or if they are pregnant. Please be kind. Be quiet and pass the dip.
I am writing this for the friends and family who listened, didn’t pry, and above all stuck with me on my quest to be a mom. If I am happy on May 9th, it’s largely because of these people’s quiet empathy and unending encouragement. And, if I am happy on this day, it’s because I am in love with being a mom and so grateful for the circumstances, as painful as they were, that led me to my wonderful daughter. Happy Mother’s Day everyone. I hope you buy some flowers, eat a fattening brunch, and laugh all day.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go call my mom.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Here are some commonly held myths & real facts about infertility:
Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.
Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.
Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.
Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.
Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.
Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.
Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.
Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.
Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.
Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.
A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.
Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.
Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.
Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.
For more info, visit Resolve's website.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sunday, April 11, 2010
We chatted for a bit, not about infertility but my mother-in-law & what's going on with getting her here for a second opinion on cancer treatments. My father-in-law is coming @ the end of the month for a few weeks to see my sister-in-law walk for her 2nd Masters as well as talk to specific hospitals about her case & if she could be treated here. She gave us some good ideas as well; we'll see what happens.
We left the store with a "See you in the summer" & "Maybe sooner if you get pregnant on your own". Huh; my RE has more faith in my ladygarden doing its freaking job than I do. Sad really. Maybe it's because after almost 2 years of nothing I'm not much of a believer in miracles anymore.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I admit I'm ridiculous in many ways when it comes to our infertility issues. But it's hard not to dwell on things when babies are EVERYWHERE; after all, I am in my early 30s & everyone I know is either pregnant or has little kids. For example, at Mass today I ran into a girl I went to elementary school with. She's been married less than a year & is already 7 months pregnant. For me, having a conversation with a pregnant woman is now incredibly awkward, reminiscent of men who have conversations with a woman's breasts: I can't take my eyes off the belly. I find some humor in this though since being a plus size woman chances are I'm not going to end up with a beautiful, round belly if & when I do get pregnant.
And don't even get me started about going to Hindu temple with my husband. Indian women appear to be incredibly fertile if you just spend an afternoon on a weekend there. And as we're one of a very few inter-racial/inter-religious couples who go there, I am acutely aware that we're being "watched" for any sign a baby *might* be on the way; after all, we've been married for over 2 years now. And now that many of his friends are having marriages arranged for them, I'm sure we'll be hearing about pregnancies on their end too.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Hubby: Every night?
Me: Well, I'm not temping but my cervical mucus is making itself known ( I proceed to reach down into my ladygarden & pull out a wet finger) & today is CD 11...
Hubby: (toughing my finger) Uh huh. And you usually ovulate around CD 13 or 14, right?
Me: Yup. I'm gonna go take a shower; I'll let you know when I'm ready.
Hubby: OK, just as long as it's not during "Family Guy".
Me: No problem.
I thought baby making was supposed to be romantic...
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
And in 2 weeks I go back to school 2 nights per week, because I don't have enough to do apparently. Still, I'm going to try & be better about posting more often here. It's not like I don't have constantly racing thoughts about numerous things that would surely entertain you; I do. I'm simply often too lazy to type them all out here on my slow-as-molasses 7 year old laptop.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
BFN Wednesday, WTF appointment yesterday, AF today...
Guess who's now insulin resistant (IR)? Me. I was borderline when I started seeing my RE last year & she re-checked it this last beta day. She's thinking it's an implantation issue due to the IR given my follies responded well to both the Clomid & Follistim & my lining is fine. She doesn't want to do a lap @ this point because my ute is "textbook". Ironically, I've lost 24 lbs. since starting to see her (she weighed me). So I guess losing weight to get healthy = IR. She did say she was proud of me for losing weight @ a healthy pace & to keep up the good work.
At any rate, the plan is to have me take 2000mg of Metformin ER a day & see her in March (about 8 weeks) for a f/u. Then, we'll do more b/w & see what's up. If my levels are better & I haven't gotten a miracle BFP we will probably do another couple injectible IUIs. If not, we break out the big guns: IVF. So that's the plan & having a plan is a good thing.
Monday, January 11, 2010
*sigh* and *gag me with a spoon*
I hate that infertility has made me bitter. Even now in the 2 week wait when I actually have a tiny sliver of hope I can taste the bitterness. And don't give me the "when you're pregnant and/or a mother you'll understand"; it just pisses me off more. But I am trying to keep my sarcastic sense of humor. And so, I give you a Sienfeld clip that sums up my feelings of late:
Friday, January 1, 2010
Christmas was pretty low key; we got a shit ton of snow a few days before the holiday & another dusting yesterday. My grandpa is still @ the nursing home & we visited him Christmas night. He has his good days & bad days. It's interesting in a way that sometimes when the tumor is pressing on a certain area of his brain he cannot speak English, only Portuguese. But it's so sad to know this was almost certainly his last Christmas & he couldn't even enjoy it @ home. We now know for certain he has the same type of brain cancer that killed Ted Kennedy.
Apparently we're going for the 2-for-1 special because my grandmother fell & broke her wrist yesterday. They gave her morphine @ the hospital & she had a really bad reaction; she's currently intubated in the ICU. Apparently she's also in congestive heart failure. Reall?!?!?! I mean, REALLY?!?!?!
With all of this, I totally planned on drinking heavily to welcome 2010 last night; I even bought a Kahlua Mudslides 4 pack. I didn't. I don't know why. Maybe I'll have one tonight. Maybe I'll have all four.