Not good.

We just got done with shoveling over a foot of snow from the 1st major storm of the season. The poor dog (he's a little Pekingese) had a hell of a time trying to find a place to go potty; he wasn't that thrilled about having to do his business on the sidewalk instead of grass. The tree is finally up & Vid went Christmas shopping for my gift(s) yesterday so we're pretty much ready for the holiday. I just wish I was more in the spirit, but it's hard to get into things when the bullshit that has been our lives continues. Let me explain.

My grandpa's brother (dad's dad) died last weekend. Not totally unexpected given he had MS & was in his late 70s. At about the same time, my grandpa is admitted to the hospital because his speech is nonsensical & they think he's having another stroke. As my mother said, he sounded like Snoop Dog, saying things like "Give me the snizzle".

To make a long story short, they run a bunch of tests & there was no stroke detected. There was, however, a mass @ the base of his brain. Further testing showed it to be a tumor & they wanted to do a biopsy so they could see if it was cancer or something else. Well, it's cancer. And it's in the part of the brain that controls emotions, speech & breathing among other things. And considering it wasn't there when they did the scan a few months ago when he had his stroke & the rate @ which it appears to be growing, his prognosis isn't good. The doctors said we should be talking to hospice & making final arrangements. We went to visit him @ the hospital yesterday; the last time we saw him was about 6 weeks ago, before we went to India. It's amazing what a downhill spiral he's gone into since then.

I know he's in his 80s & that nobody lives forever. But this past year (really, 2) has been nothing but bad news between devastating diagnoses & the sheer amount of family & friends that have passed on, many unexpectedly. And to see someone who was as sharp as a tack 2 months ago unable to form a coherent sentence is heartbreaking. I have no idea how my grandmother is going to deal with this given her severe mental health problems.

Please, Santa, can we get some good news for Christmas?

Our (fake) Christmas card

Since we don't have a cute little bundle of joy of our own still yet I've been receiving holiday cards left & right from family & friends featuring their smiling, chubby, angelic, children, I thought I'd have a bit of fun & make a card featuring my somehow normal yet also dysfunctional ute. My husband unfortunately vetoed my idea of sending it out as our actual card this year; he doesn't always share my sick sense of humor apparently.

We're baaaaack

And we're still not pregnant. What else is new? I've now had AF on 4 continents (North America, Europe, Asia & Africa) which I guess is pretty cool. And this may be TMI, but per tradition we had sexy time in my in-laws bed as it's supposed to help with fertility. We slept in their room & they took Vid's old room anyways since their bed is king size & the other one was maybe a double so we were able to do it without having to sneak around.

My next AF is due around Christmas Day (awesome timing) at which time we'll re-evaluate our infertility treatment. I think I am done with Clomid. After 5 cycles on it my lining suddenly went from lush to thin last cycle (from 11 to 7). I have 600 of the 900 of Follistim my RE prescribed last time sitting in my fridge in the butter drawer so I'm hoping to be able to use that next cycle given my 20% co-pay on that was over $200.

Amma (my MIL) is in pretty good spirits but she does get very tired, especially the few days after her chemo sessions. She cut her hair short but doesn't appear to be losing any, at least not yet. We are going to try & get her to the US for treatment still though because what they are paying out of pocket just isn't sustainable in the long run & she had to come back to the hospital several days in a row because they were short on one of her medications. There is NRI (non-resident Indian) insurance that either my hubby or SIL might be able to get that would cover treatment in the US.

So, that's where we stand. I'll post some pictures in the next few days from the trip. Tomorrow it's back to work (which I'm kind of looking forward to) & preparing for Christmas. I really should put up the tree but I'm just not in the mood.

Leavin' on a jet plane

I am unsure of if I will be able to post at all over the next 3 weeks while we're in India, so if you don't hear from me for a while, no worries. I will find out if this cycle worked around Thanksgiving day; I've packed both pee sticks & tampons in our luggage. I had 2 good size follies on my right ovary this cycle but none on my left, which is weird, because the left has always produced good follies until this point. Still, it's nothing to lose sleep over as all it takes is 1 good one, right?

We'll be taking a TTC break if we don't hit the jackpot this time around because I'm tired mentally, physically & financially; my hubby feels much the same in the exhaustion department. Regardless of what happens (or not) with my ute, I will post photos when we get back of our adventure. See ya!

My children may turn out small & furry

Tonight is my first Follistim shot. I'm perfectly fine with giving myself a needle but no matter how much I try to convince my hubby he should watch me inject myself he says no. I'm trying to get him used to the idea of needles if we ever have to do IVF which would require someone shooting me in the ass. I'd rather not have to ask my mother or sister for help with that!

Anyways, being a consummate nerd I of course read the inserts of the med & found that it was made from the hCG of Chinese hamsters. Intrigued, I googled "Chinese hamster"; above is one of the photos that popped up.

I love it! A hamster kicking ass; ha! Maybe he'll whip my ovaries into shape this cycle. I think he's the perfect mascot for those of us dealing with infertility.

I'm officially bitter.

Still not pregnant. Adding Follistim to the next cycle. Beta will be while we're in India. Wonderful; now I'll get to experience getting a BFFN on another continent! Yes, that was sarcasm you just detected.

I am not in the mood to write much else. I had to have my husband hand out candy on Halloween because I couldn't handle seeing little kids after the BFFN news. I hate how IF has made even the simple things in life torturous. The one bright spot in my day was dressing up my pets. Thank God for fur babies!

We saw "Avenue Q" this weekend

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I especially identified with this number:

Wishing & hoping & thinking & praying

I actually have hope this cycle. Once again I had a few good follies @ my monitoring ultrasound on Thursday: 2 on the left (14 &20 mm) & 2 on the right (14 & 18 mm). They probably grew a couple of more mm before the actual inseminations. We had an IUI on Friday & another one on Saturday, both with good post-wash counts of 28 million & 37 million respectively.

The nurse who did the IUI on Saturday said I had plenty of good quality cervical mucus; I never thought in a million years I'd be proud of that fact. I told her this was our 3rd medicated IUI & if this didn't work we'd be on a forced break until the new year with our trip to India & how I had been sick for the last 2 cycles. She opened up & told me her now 20 year old son who is studying abroad in China was the result of Clomid & he was the last cycle before she was out of options; back then, IVF was not covered by her insurance. The fact she has been through the pain of dealing with infertility is nice to know as a patient. Though I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy, her personal experiences as a past patient makes me feel that much more comfortable with her.

So, beta is 10/30, though I will probably pee on a stick before then. *knocks on wood* I have not been sick this cycle so I'm taking this as a sign this actually has a shot in hell of working. Something else I take as a possible sign:

I stumbled upon this while doing some research for my marketing class. I showed Vid & he had the same reaction: it's us, only not fat & with a baby. We're not flying Air India next month & we certainly won't be thin in 4 weeks, but maybe we'll be going with a baby, allbeit one of the inside variety. I'd love nothing more than to experience morning sickness @ 30,000 feet.

I'm generally not a huge country music fan...

A "friend" on the interwebs sent me this:

I don't often cry because of a song, a play, or a movie. Heck, I laughed my ass off when Kate Winslet pried a frozen solid Leonardo DiCaprio off the door in the water in "Titanic" while the 2 friends who were with me sobbed. But this song...

FML...once again

So BFFN again. Not surprising since I'm sick for the 2nd cycle in a row, this time with strep throat. Seriously? Seriously. I've been sick all week, running a fever of 100.3 for 2 days. I wash my hands religiously given what I do for a living; I carry hand sanitizer in my car & my pocketbook. I even got my flu shot. WTF?

So once again I will go for a CD3 ultrasound & bloodwork, take Clomid, inject myself with Ovidrel & shove Progesterone suppositories up my vajayjay. This next IUI will be a kind of "Hail Mary" cycle. If it doesn't work, we will be on a forced break of 2 cycles (until about Christmas) because of our trip to India. I really, really, REALLY hope this next cycle works because it would give my mother-in-law a huge boost mentally knowing she is about to be a grandma. If it doesn't work, I think I am going to need a break for a month or 2; IF is exhausting mentally, physically, and socially.

And because the universe doesn't think there's enough complete & utter bullshit going on in my life, my dad's dad had a stoke yesterday. His speech is very impaired as is his ability to walk & manipulate objects. We don't yet know the true extent of the damage or if it's permanent; they are running tons of tests at the moment. This is how I lost my mom's mom about a year ago so I'm really scared for him, for my grandma, for everyone.

Can't a girl catch a break?

This is soooo going on my iPod!

Hope

I had yet another IUI this weekend. I started the Clomid a day earlier & went in for monitoring a day later than last cycle per my instructions. I had 5 follies, 4 of which were measuring 20mm or above, which is where they want to see them. The nurse, of course, warned me of the risk of multiples; I assured her we would welcome twins with open arms.

While sitting in the waiting room for the IUI I saw a little girl with a large, heavily tattooed man. I know some RE practices don't allow kids because it's hard for some IF girls to deal with the site of a baby when they're finding out yet another cycle is a BFN. I haven't gotten to that point yet & hope to God I never do. Normally I don't break the "code of silence" that seems to be pervasive in the RE office among patients but this little girl was sooooo cute; she reminded me of my little sister @ about 1 year of age with her big blue eyes, pigtails sticking out from either side of her hed & sucking on a pacifier.

I asked her "Did you come from here?" & her dad said she indeed did; they were back to try for another child. I told him where we were in our journey & he told me about theirs. They had been through 8 failed IUIs of varying degrees & 2 failed 3 day IVF transfers before finally having a successful 5 day IVF transfer. His daughter was originally a twin but her brother died in utero late in the 3rd trimester, his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck. Even after all they had been through, he had a smile on his face.

Just as he was finishing telling me his story I was called into the back as his wife came out of the door I was heading into. I wished him luck & he did the same. Hearing stories like that give me hope. Who knows, maybe we'll both get lucky?

India, here we come!

I booked our tickets tonight. We'll be there for about 3 weeks @ the end of November/beginning of December. We're flying out of JFK as it's so much cheaper than Boston; my parents have graciously agreed to drive us the 3 hours to & fro the airport. My mom is pretty much a pro @ this from my grad school days when I was galavanting around Africa. Mercifully we only have 1 short layover each way (about 2 hours) in Abu Dhabi before continuing on to Chennai.

My husband hasn't been home in 8 years; he's going to be in for quite a shock, I'm sure. He watches bad Tamil movies & always comments on how different his hometown (a city of 6 million, really) looks from when he left to come to the US for grad school. In case you have no idea what Tamil movies are like, think Bollywood, with the random song & dance, along with bad acting over a 4 hour time span. I love my husband dearly, but I can't watch Indian movies without laughing hysterically @ the ridiculousness of them.

I just wish the reason for this trip was joyous. Stupidly, the only thing I can think about is my mother-in-law's hair: gorgeous, thick, long, wavy black hair. I really hope she doesn't lose it from the chemo or radiation; I will probably burst into tears if she's bald. It's such a part of her personality: bouncy, bubbly. Please, God, let her keep her hair.

Bad things come in 3s, right?

* sigh *

Where to begin? Well, as you probably guessed from the awesome Photoshop picture above, yet another IUI bites the dust. No "happy birthday grandpa" card for my dad. Not too surprising since I was so sick for my IUI. Still, you'd think we'd maybe get something from 4 great looking follicles & 60 million sperm. Nada. Fuck.

* sigh again *

We will be doing another IUI this next cycle with the 100mg of Clomid & Ovidrel trigger, but this time we're adding Progesterone suppositories. Lovely. Pretty soon every orifice in my body will be involved in baby making. Thankfully I haven't had really bad side effects from the meds I've been on so far. The Metformin has some stomach issues associated with it but 99% of the time I'm fine. Clomid produces a low level head ache & apocalyptic dreams which aren't all that bad since I'm a Sci Fi fan anyways. It is a weird side effect though; I thought I was just going nuts but several other women on a website I frequent that have been on Clomid report experiencing the same thing.

So if still not being pregnant isn't bad enough, we get a phone call from my in-laws in India the day after my negative beta with not good news: my mother-in-law has bone cancer.

* more sighing *

She had breast cancer about 8 years ago but had a lumpectomy with other treatments & had since been given a clean bill of health. She was feeling pain in her joints that she thought was simple arthritis. Then she started losing weight & found a strange knot in the bone of one of her shoulders.

Shit.

At the moment we don't know exactly what we're dealing with; they are testing to see if it's contained to the one area, what stage it is, etc. She is now @ the hospital undergoing chemo & radiation. Thankfully, my in-laws live in Chennai where the best cancer treatment facility in all of India (and arguably in Asia) is located. Also, they are thankfully upper-middle class & can afford to pay for the treatments @ this private institution as the Indian public medical system is just plain awful. God I hope she pulls through.

So, we are hoping for the best but also preparing for the worst. She's only 55; the same age as my dad. I can't even imagine losing one of our parents now, especially before giving them the opportunity to hold a grandchild. As if I didn't put enough pressure on myself already with our infertility, this makes the guilt factor multiply by about a million.

* even more sighing *

With this unexpected news, we've begun to make contingency plans for a trip to India in the very near future. I've already talked to my HR about using some FMLA time & Vid is doing the same; my sister-in-law is planning for this also as she is in the DC area. So now I need to get a new passport & pay to have it expedited just in case. My old passport expired @ the end of 2008 & was in my maiden name; I figured I'd get a new one eventually, you know, when we planned a happy trip to India to show off a new baby. No such luck it looks.

I really can't deal with much more bad news...

I already have a child; his name is Vid

IF truly is a different world. Sometimes, it's hard to keep a sense of humor when it seems the whole world gets pregnant easily. Especially people who have no business having kids. I've found several message boards online to be very helpful. I've also begun reading a couple of humorous IF books but IMHO there's not nearly enough books in this genre. My husband always says I should write a book; maybe I should?

Speaking of my husband, he continues to be my rock through all of this. Sometimes his childlike innocence is annoying; other times, it's just what I need to keep from screaming or crying. A perfect example of this is @ my IUI.

As I'm laying there with my legs in stirrups & my vajayjay facing skyward, he decides to explore the office a bit. He gets out the stethoscope & listens to his heart & mine, being sure to also check my stomach for a heartbeat since he's so certain I'm pregnant. I don't have the heart to tell him it takes sometimes 8 weeks for doctors to find a heartbeat using a doppler. He picks up a speculum & starts making it "talk". I tell him I'm going to have him committed if he keeps it up. Then he starts to play with the blood pressure cuff, pumping it up til the bladder explodes & goes shooting out of the sleeve across the room. I want to kill him but I'm too busy laughing @ the same time. He was very worried the nurse would come in & yell @ him.

Tell me your husband does the same weird stuff, please!

The flu...in August?!?!?

So we had a great time in Vegas & Zion National Park but came back with an unexpected & unwelcome souvenir: the flu. Despite feeling like we've been run over by an 18-wheeler our IF treatment is going ok. This was my 1st cycle on Clomid & I didn't have any truly heinous side effects. I went in for my monitoring ultrasound yesterday & was found to have 4 follies that looked mature or close to it. I triggered last night & had my IUI this morning. Vid's guys looked good despite him feeling like shit as well; there were 60 million of them. I go in for a beta blood test the day after my dad's birthday so I may test @ home early; I'd love to give him good news on his birthday since I didn't get it on my birthday, my mom's or mine.

More poking & prodding

Today is CD 3 (cycle day 3) which meant more bloodwork & my first ever trans-vaginal ultrasound. The ultrasound took all of 2 minutes. Either the tech was really good or my mom was full of shit when she told me it felt like the instrument was going to go up through her stomach & out her mouth. Anyways, it was really neat to see my uterus & ovaries yet again; the tech said they looked normal. My bloodwork, however, is still showing borderline E2 (estrogen) & FSH (follicular stimulating hormone) which are signs of PCOS.

My "box of fun" arrived in the mail yesterday. I neglected to tell my hubby about it & he called me @ work wondering what the hell the UPS guy was talking about when he told him it needed to be refrigerated. I start Clomid tonight & my Ovidrel injection is ironically sitting in the fridge next to the eggs. I'm really hoping God will have mercy on me & spare me of any fun Clomid side effects on vacation, especially hot flashes, since we are leaving for Las Vegas on Friday. I just keep reminding myself it'll all be worth it someday...hopefully...

Time for a second opinion

I went to another RE yesterday for a second opinion because being dismissed the way I was by the 1st one just didn't sit right. Boy am I glad I didn't just sit down & shut up! Here's the lowdown on what happened:

In looking @ my bloodwork my CD3 estradiol was on the high side of normal. Also, although my fasting glucose was fine, my insulin production was also on the high side of normal. She asked if I had had my thyroid checked & I told her no, so she's checking that, especially after I told her that my father's mother has had a thyroid issue for most of her life.

They took 8 vials of blood from me & 2 from Vid. He was very nervous as usual but did fine, unlike the guy before him who passed out cold. I have a date with the "dildo cam" (transvaginal ultrasound) next CD 3. I told her we are going to Vegas & may be there for CD3; she said she might be able to arrange to have it done out there. This will make for a very memorable vacation!

Her theory is although it looks like I ovulate according to my charts & OPKs I may be surging in several waves throughout my cycles & not be experienceing "quality ovulation" which would explain why our perfect timing every cycle has always resulted in BFNs. I don't have the classic PCOS signs (body hair, acne, etc.) I am obese & my borderline insulin levels make her want to explore this possibility more, hence the dildo cam & more bloodwork.

In the meantime I've been put on Metformin which will help regulate my insuling levels & in turn may help me with the weight loss. She does not think the medical liquid diet would give me good long term outcomes & instead recommended going back on Weight Watchers or South Beach since as a vegetarian they have lots of options & would teach me how to eat food properly rather than jus drink it. Thank God! Although my dad lost 80 lbs. on the medical liquid diet, I tasted the shakes & they were just plain awful.

Once the dildo cam is done & the all clear is given, I'll be doing a monitored Clomid cycle with a Ovidrel trigger & IUI. If you know what that means, you've probably been through it before; if not, consider yourself lucky that you got pregnant the old fashioned way.

A change in plans

I had my RE appt on Monday & to make a long story short, we are holding off on further IF tx until next year. I am doing a medically supervised weight loss program per my RE's orders.

As many of you know, I am what is considered obese; I'm about 100 lbs overweight. Even though all of my bloodwork has come back normal, I passed my glucose test with flying colors, & have very regular, apparently ovulatory cycles, he is convinced the reason I am not pregnant yet is because of the weight even though my mother was also what is considered obese when she got accidentally pregnant with me & had my sister (planned) after only 3 months of trying.

Of course, my medical insurance is refusing to pay for this so my RE is going to bat for me & being a PITA to them until they cover it, thank God. He's not ordering me to avoid getting pregnant while doing this so I'll still continue to temp & use OPKs but after 13 cycles of doing that already I'm not holding my breath for a BFP. If no BFP by the end of this year, we go back in January to explore other options.

Needless to say I am incredibly upset. While I obviously see my weight is not in the normal range, I feel like I'm being punished for not being a size 10. I'm calling my doc to get my Zoloft upped today.

IUI #1 = FAIL

I am beginning to think I will never see two lines on a test. Beta was today & as expected, it was negative as was my pee stick result from yesterday. I'm not much of a drinker but I think I'll be making passion fruit coladas this weekend to celebrate my bitter, empty ute. And with this cycle now being declared a bust, I will be at least 31 when I have my 1st child. Granted, that is still young (to me at least) but it's just another reminder of how long we've been doing this with no success.

Pregnant people are all around me. Right now I have 4 pregnant co-workers, which really doesn't bother me because they're all in functional relationships & able to afford kids & be good parents. However, there are many other not-so-shining examples that have been giving me a serious case of the "why me's?" lately.

Example 1: patient who is all of 22 & is on baby #3. The 1st time I met her was the day after she had given birth via c-section; it also just so happened it was the same day as my 1st IUI. Since I had my procedure @ the same hospital, I just took the elevatory up to her room afterwards. To make a long story short, she no longer has custody of her 2 oldest kids & an investigator from DCYF told me they were taking this one as well. The patient has moderate MR; she can barely care for herself & yet she can get pregnant 3 times (that I know of) without any problem. DCYF takes her children away so she just keeps replacing them.

Example 2: patient who is 2 years older than me (32) comes in anxious/angry/depressed about the news her 16 year old daughter just gave her. Yep, she's going to be a grandmother @ the tender age of 32. I'll be happy if I'm merely a mother by then.

Example 3: patient (this one not mine) who is about 8 months pregnant & homeless sitting outside of our treatment center smoking a cigarette. Are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to smack her, but didn't.

At any rate, we are seeing the RE on Monday morning by which time lucky cycle #13 will most likely have arrived. The nurse said he may want to monitor me & maybe talk Clomid; I guess he was kind of thinking I'd be relatively easy BFP on IUI #1 with all my tests coming back as normal. Such is life.

Happy (belated) 4th of July!

We spent the day in Boston @ the Esplanade with friends. What a great day weather-wise; sunny & in the 70s! Here's video I took of the famous 1812 Overture finale:

At least I still have my sense of humor

It's also nice to know others dealing with IF have found some humor in it too. I follow numerous IF blogs as a way of reminding myself I'm not alone & also to prepare myself for what future treatments may hold should IUI #1 not work. One of the funniest out there is 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. They even have poetry about IF:

ODE TO INFERTILITY

'Twas the night before your period and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.
The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,
in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.
Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,
while visions of cramps start to come before bed.
You're sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,
you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.
But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,
so why does this test never show those two lines?
And you cry on the floor until you are ill,
tomorrow you'll refuse your prenatal pill.
"Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!"
"On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!"
We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,
but each month all we do is pee on that stick.
We know more about ovulation than our family doc,
so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!
We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,
but we've spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.
Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,
but this time he's not bragging to all of his peers.
So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,
Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!

I just hope I'm still able to laugh if I get a BFN next week. Seriously, this is turning into the longest 2WW ever. Thankfully due to the 4th of July we have a 3 day weekend so we'll be busy visiting friends, seeing the Boston Pops play on the Esplanade & watching the fireworks over the harbor.

I've been inseminated :)

I had my 1st IUI today. Vid had a bit of trouble producing the goods @ the office; apparently the porn that was offered was sub-par for his needs. He looked @ me like I was completely nuts when I suggested that if we need to do this again next cycle he should bring his own South Indian porn. FYI South Indian porn is really pretty PG-13 by our standards; there is almost never full nudity involved. Also, while Hustler & Playboy tend to favor thin women, so-called "masala movies" usually feature fuller-figured movies. Curious? Take a look for yourself:



The procedure itself wasn't bad; just a bit of cramping & spotting afterwards. Vid was both fascinated & grossed out to see my cervix as they were inserting the speculum & catheter in for the IUI. He kept saying (think about a thick Indian accent as you're reading this) "Oh God" & wincing; I was trying my hardest not to laugh but was also worried he might pass out. My husband as a rule does not do well with medical procedures; thankfully there was no blood involved or he'd have certainly passed out.

So now comes the dreaded 2 week wait. I go for a HCG beta (blood work to test for pregnancy) on July 9. Of course, the reality is I will most certainly test with a pee stick before then; I'd go insane otherwise. And my husband, per usual, is completely convinced I am pregnant only 8 hours after the procedure. I hope he's right.

All clear!

No, that is not my ute in the x-ray above. However, that is what I got to see @ the hospital today; pretty neat, actually. I am happy to report I have a normal uterus, clear tubes & all looks well. Besides a bit of cramping & lovely discharge from the dye they shot up there, it wasn't bad at all. My RE said we can now move on to IUI; I am expecting my LH surge in the next day or so. And away we go!

Happy belated Father's Day (I guess)

Yesterday was Father's Day here in the good ol' USA; we went to my parents' house for a cookout. Well, we cooked food on the grill then eat in inside since it was pouring rain & in the 60s. We also did some laundry while we were there & I finished crocheting a baby blanket for 1 of my 4 pregnant co-workers. If something's in the water, my Brita water bottle is certainly filtering it out!

I asked Vid about his thoughts on the day, if it affected him the way Mother's Day affected me this year given our IF dx. He said he didn't think about it a lot being they didn't have a day like this in India when he was growing up. However, he did say he hopes he will be more than a "doggy & kitty daddy" by next year. Actually, he is convinced that we will get pregnant with our 1st IUI because our RE is a graduate of Madras Medical College which is apparently the medical school to go to in India. Kind of like he's been convinced I'm pregnant every cycle, I guess; I wish I had his optimism.

So tomorrow is another stop on the road to hopefully getting pregnant. I get the pleasure of having an HSG @ 8am. Yay! I am hoping they don't find anything funky in my ladybits; my RE says he doubts it given my regular cycles. Hey, at least if they do find something odd we'd have a reason for our inability to get pregnant instead of an "unexplained IF" dx.

Should all be well with my ute, we will be moving on to IUI, if not this cycle then next. So now when I look in my schedule book @ work I try to keep blocks of time available for when I should be getting a + OPK so I can run to my RE's office & get inseminated. Kind of like going home for lunch & a quickie with the hubby, but instead we're in 2 different rooms with lots of other people dressed in scrubs looking @ our privates. How romantic!

OMG, like, fat women can get pregnant?!?one!?!

Normally, when I watch TV, it's TLC, Travel Channel, History Channel (or as my dad calls it, "The Hitler Channel" with all the WWII stuff on it) or Discovery Health. What can I say? I'm a nerd through & through; if I didn't suck so hard core @ math I would have certainly gone to med school. I love learning, especially about weird stuff, like conjoined twins & rare genetic diseases. And even though it's self torturous in a way having been TTC unsuccessfully for 12 cycles now, I've watched at least a show or 2 each night on "Baby Week" all this week.

Last night, they had a show on it called "Obese & Pregnant" that followed 3 women's journeys to motherhood as plus size women. As someone who came into this world weighing 9 lbs 15 oz & who has NEVER been anything but fat, I was interested to see what kind of sensationalized view of obese pregnancy would be shown.

Before someone out in cyberspace jumps down my throat, let me be clear: I am by no means saying it's just fine & dandy for anyone to be over 100 lbs heavier (or more) than you should be & pregnant. Of course, there are medical issues both mom & baby may face due to such an excess of weight. However, weight alone is not a good indicator of how one's body will respond favorably or unfavorably to pregnancy. A prime example is my own obese mother who had 2 successful pregnancies without gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, etc. She actually called me up during the show to remind me of this; I love my mommy. :)

I think what bothers me most is what 1 woman on the show, Christie, said about not being able to find cute maternity clothes. I guess most fashion designers assume since fat women are un-fuckable we couldn't possibly get pregnant, right? Unfortunately, I could not find a clip of her on YouTube so this will have to suffice:



Just like back in high school when I went shopping for a prom dress & when I was engaged & went shopping for a wedding dress, I was made to feel like a second class citizen by having to go to a "specialty" store. Half of the women in the US are over a size 14; wouldn't that also mean, using basic reason, that roughly half the pregnant women in the US are also plus size? I've not seen any commentary about this on Shapely Prose; I'm kind of suprised, actually.

Vid & I have been actively trying to get into better shape these past few months after having fallen off the proverbial wagon this winter. While my hubby isn't obese, he is overweight & a non-insulin dependent diabetic, which I am always harping on him about...in an extremely loving way, of course.

All the bloodowork I've had & other tests show I am reproductively normal & my doctor says my weight doesn't appear to be the reason we aren't pregnant. Yet, I always wonder in the back of my head if those who know me & know we are having trouble TTC assume we aren't pregnant yet because I'm fat. My RE has told me he'd obviously like to see me lose some weight to get "the best possible outcome for everyone" but also acknowledged "given your medical history, there is no reason to worry at this point." Have I mentioned before how much I love him? I think I have. :)

Our appt with the RE: Cliff Notes version

I may leave my husband for my RE. Well, not really, but I really liked the guy; very thorough, did not talk down to us, pleasant demeanor, etc. He & his internist spent over an hour talking to us; he even praised me for being so "dedicated to charting" when I whipped out my Fertility Friend chart copies. He told me what we already knew at first: my cycles are regular & appear ovulatory, my hormone levels are normal, etc.

But then he told us something we weren't expecting & *gasp* it was actually good news! Apparently Vid's 1st sperm analysis results were a fluke since the 2nd ones we got back today were normal. Yay for normal spermies! However, this means we now fall into the "unexplained IF" for the time being, which is kind of scary; I like actual reasons to go along with my diagnoses, thank you very much.

Anyways, I am being sent for an HSG to rule out any abnormalities. Given my normal cycles, bloodwork & pelvic exam today (where I was told I have a "very nice cervix") the doctor doesn't think he'll find anything; as he says "99.9% of the time there isn't anything weird up there" but it's part of the protocol. I am also going for CD3 bloodwork just to make sure too but given all my other bloodwork was fine there's not much to worry about.

So, AF should be here tomorrow since my temp dipped to my coverline today. When she arrives I call to schedule my HSG, which is done between CD's 5 - 12. So long as there's nothing abnormal found I am to use OPKs like I have been & call when I get a positive one. When I do, Vid goes in to give a sample, they wash it & inseminate me; for those not familiar with IF terminology, that's known in the biz as an IUI.

And that's what' going on with my ute. The end.

Houston, we have an appointment.

We see the RE/OB/GYN on June 11 @ 3 pm. Aunt Flo is due a few days before then so there's still time for a miracle; I'd gladly cancel if that were to happen. But, I am also a realist. Let the poking, prodding & violating of genitalia begin!

So, an RE/OB/GYN; you're probably thinking that's too many letters for just1 doctor. Well, that's an OB/GYN who is also an RE. 2 doctors in 1; very cool. And he's from Vid' hometown (well, city) in India originally; also the same ethnic group. It's a small world after all.

We're both excited & scared about all of this. Excited that we may finally be pregnant in mere months, scared that we may still end up without a baby that is a genetic product of Vid & I after all is said & done. IUI or IVF are not a guarantee; I have to keep reminding myself of that. There's a fine line between becoming a "Negative Nelly" & remaining realisitic in this whole process.

Please, God, let this be it.

Lather, rinse, repeat

In case you didn't know, I work in community mental health. Generally, I love my job, though it's certainly not what I went to school for nor is it what I want to do for the rest of my life. Still, there's never a dull moment & it's wonderful to be able to help make a difference in the quality of peoples' lives. I don't think I've ever blogged about it here before (mainly due to HIPAA) but I could write a novel (or 5) on the adventures I've had in my years doing this type of work. So why start now?

Because I was witness to another shining example of how getting pregnant easily has seemingly little to do with one's ability to care for a child. Let me elaborate:

Client, male in his early 20s, is schizophrenic. Nice kid, but nowhere near self sufficient. On SSI. On Medicare. Living in subsidized housing. Girlfriend is pretty much the same. Said couple comes in with a photo album. Oh how nice, family pictures! But what's that? An x-ray? Nope. A sonogram. She's pregnant. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or smack them. I did none of the aforementioned, by the way.

Now, I am in no way intimating that we should be sterilizing mentally ill folks & letting only the rich breed. However, I honestly ache for this couple & their unborn baby because I've seen this all before; it's what I term "lather, rinse, repeat", much like the directions on shampoo. Like father, like son & so on. Because statistically, they won't be able to take care of this child. And there's a distinct likelihood said child will have issues of his or her own. While I pray this isn't the case, experience tells me otherwise.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Another one bites the dust

Another cycle, that is. So we're on to cycle 11 now. Wow; almost that magic 12 cycle mark where we can be labeled "infertile" & move on to seeing a specialist. With Vid's sperm issues & my HSG referral coming up hopefully we'll be on our way to a BFP as soon as the end of this summer, if not the end of the year.

Don't get me wrong; I'd love for this to be "the month" but I'm kind of past that now & accepting the reality that having loving, tender, intimate relations with my husband will in all likelihood not result in creating a baby. It makes me sad that instead of just having a few glasses of wine & letting the moment take us, our kids will probably be the result of my husband dropping off a sample & me being placed in stirrups while a man or woman in a white coat sticks a catheter with the goods into my cervix. And don't even get me started on all the money we apparently needlessly spent on birth control before we were married...

Moving on...

This was my first Mother's Day where I was aware of my non-mother status. At this time last year, we were just about to venture into TTC & basically assumed it wouldn't be that big of a deal to get pregnant. I told myself, "As long as it happens by my 30th birthday don't sweat it", thinking at the time that would give me almost a year. Well, that has since come & gone; no BFP yet.

Mother's Day was pretty low key. My mom & I spent most of the day transplanting seedlings into her garden. Since Vid & I are apartment dwellers we have gone in with my mom & sister in creating a family veggie garden. My sister doesn't have kids BUT she did get engaged last week! No date has been set yet; they probably won't take the plunge for another year or 2. But I can't help wondering if she'll be pregnant before I am. How sad is that?

So, yeah, I dealt pretty well with Mother's Day. However, I will admit to avoiding going to Mass like the Plague because they always have a special blessing for mothers @ the end & I knew I would have lost it. I hate to think about what kind of mental shape I may be in if we're still in the same position this time next year. After all, nothing is guaranteed, even if we are both young & pretty healthy.

So I started taking inventory of what I've learned from this experience. Basically, it's a whole lot of bitter, with some gratitude mixed in.

The bitter:

• I've learned that I am tired of charting, OPKs, etc.; I long for the day where I can wake up without sticking a thermometer in my mouth & not have to pee on something.
  
• I am tired of going to baby showers for people who have no business having kids & pretending to be happy for them.
• I am sick of people just telling me to "just relax" when we've been on 3 relaxing getaways around ovulation time in the past year which involved sexy time that have not made me pregnant.
• I am sick of having timed sex with my husband when we both just want to sleep because we didn't want to miss an opportunity to maybe become parents.
  
• I am sick of seeing the same apparently ovulatory chart, with a regular cycle length, complete with a healthy luteal phase, result in a BFN every.fucking.month.
• I am sad for the several people who have passed on this year that we will never be able to introduce our children to them, especially 2 of our grandmothers. I grew up with all 4 of my grandparents as well as 6 of my 8 great grandparents; it was such an amazingly positive experience. I cherish those memories.
  

And the gratitude:

• I am grateful that my family & friends, for the most part, have been incredibly caring & supportive of our journey thus far.
• I am amazed at how much more in love with my husband this experience has made me & how much more it makes me want to create new life with him.
  
• I am encouraged by women I have befriended on various websites going through the same thing; they are my sanity & a good many of them have great senses of humor as well as a wealth of knowledge which has been so helpful.
• I am thankful that our medical insurance is better than a lot of what I've seen & heard from others dealing with IF which may mean we have more, better options.

Swine flu

It's May?!?!? Wow; time flies!

So this swine flu thing...

I am constantly amazed @ how people get themselves all in a dither about whatever the latest disease craze the media decides we need to panic over. Seriously, I saw people buying masks (the ones you wear when painting, etc.) @ Home Depot like they were Cabbage Patch Dolls & it was Christmas Eve 1982. Apparently they hadn't heard of this marvelous little thing called washing your freaking hands. I find it ironic we send people to the farthest points on the earth to teach folks basic hygiene in the Peace Corps, etc. yet most Americans have no grasp of Epidemiology 101. But I digress.

There are 3 probable (not confirmed) cases @ the university where Vid teaches & I take 2 classes. So school is closed indefinitely. And my husband is absolutely convinced that my seasonal allergies are really swine flu. Granted I did have the worst.sinus.infection.EVAR about 2 weeks ago but a little Cipro goes a long way (as I am allergic to Penicillin & its derivatives) & all is well now.

National Infertility Awareness Week: April 25 - May 2, 2009

Having now gone through 10 cycles of TTC & getting a tentative MFI diagnosis, I have been looking online to arm myself with all the information & support I can possibly get my hands on. An interwebs friend told me about Resolve, which bills itself as a "community for women and men with infertility".

This week happens to be National Infertility Awareness Week so I am using this blog as a small way to help spread the word that no everyone just has to look at their husband to get knocked up & that "just relaxing" will not, in fact, magically make me pregnant.

Here's just a sample of what Resolve bills as "Infertility 101"; I encourage you to explore their website to learn more:

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Grandma's pickles

He now only has 1 living grandparent; his mom's mom died yesterday in her sleep. At 92, she certainly had a good life & went peacefully but it doesn't make it any easier. He had hoped to see her one last time & I was hoping to meet her too.

Vid talked about how she was the last person he saw before he got on the plane to come to the US for grad school 8 years ago. She was so worried about him starving over here she made him a ton of mango pickles (in glass jars) to take with him on his journey. Unfortunately, they broke in transit & ruined most of his clothing; poor thing!

Looking @ the calendar, I see it's been a little over a year since my mom's mom passed. I also associate my grandma with pickles. We spent many fall weekends canning veggies; we were all so sad when we opened the last jar of her pickles after the funeral. I am growing dill along with cucumbers this year in my garden but already know I won't be able to exactly replicate her recipe. Unfortunately mangoes don't grow in New England or I would try to make mango pickles for my hubby; I'm sure he'd appreciate it.

The great sperm race!

Click here to play. Apparently Vid & I are better at making sperm meet egg on the computer than in real life as cycle 10 came a-knockin' earlier this week. Goodbye 2009 due date, hello 2010, should we be so lucky...

I fucking hate Anna Duggar

Let me preface this by saying I took a pregnancy test yesterday (my 30th birthday) @ 12 DPO in the hopes I would be able to tell my mom she was going to be a grandmother since it's her birthday too. No such luck. And with a huge temp drop this morning we're out for a 2009 baby; cycle 10 should be here momentarily.

And then I turned on the TV & saw this:

"Anna said that she had taken several pregnancy tests since her marriage to Josh last September. When it came time to take another in early February, she told Vieira, she didn’t want to be disappointed again. She took the test at the used car dealership she and Josh own and operate, then left it in the bathroom without looking at it. She asked Josh to check it for her."

September to February is, what, 4 months? We should all be so lucky! And don't even get me started on the taking a pregnancy test @ the used car dealership.

I fucking hate Anna Duggar.

Monsoon season

We got 3 inches of rain yesterday. Today, there were scattered showers on & off; it's supposed to rain in one form or another through the weekend. Vid says it's like monsoon season back home; August is the rainiest month in southern India. As the saying goes: April showers bring May flowers. Shit; that means allergy season is right around the corner! Anyways...

I am jonesin' that my last day @ my current job is next week; I haven't been this excited since I was 6, it was December & still believed in Santa Claus. And because of this, wouldn't you know it feels like time is just d-r-a-g-g-i-n-g!

To make matters worse, I am currently in what is known in the world of women trying to conceive (TTC) as the "two week wait". Basically, I am obsessing over every.little.thing my body does, looking for clues that I may finally be pregnant after 9 cycles of trying. After 9 cycles, though, I must confess: I am not expecting any good news, especially with the test results my husband was given recently. I never expected to get pregnant right away when we started this journey, but now that we're coming to the end of cycle 9 I suddenly realized: if we had gotten pregnant right away, I could be going into labor any day now. And that thought scares the heck out of me. But it also makes me a bit sad to know we've been @ it that long with nada, even when I know many women try for even longer & still get nothing.

Because of my not managing to get knocked up yet, Vid & I are toying with the idea of maybe going to India this summer. I've never been & he hasn't been home since he came to the US for grad school 8 years ago. I've never met any of his extended relatives. I really want to meet his grandmothers, who are both in their 90s; they've seen India go from colony to emerging super power & I would love to get them on video talking about their experiences for our future children. I have video of my great grandfather who fought with the IRA when he was interviewed as a consultant on the movie Michael Collins; I love that I can still see him & hear his thick Irish brogue even though he has been gone for 7 years now.

If we do India, it will probably be for 2 weeks in August. Yes, I am aware it is monsoon season, but that's half the fun! I can't take vacation time until July anyways since I am starting a new job (Did I mention that I'm starting a new job? Because I am!) & if Vid teaches any courses this summer that would be the only time we could do it. If I'm actually pregnant as I type this (we'll find out next week) I don't know how I'd feel about flying that far being 20-something weeks along. Then again, a lot of women say the 2nd trimester is the best time to have a "babymoon"; during the 1st trimester there tends to be a whole lotta pukin' goin' on. Of course, this is all speculation; having been a condom Nazi until I met my husband & on The Pill during several relationships in college & grad school, I've never had an "Oh shit, I'm pregnant!" moment.

Some of you may think I'm nuts for considering travel to a "developing country" while possibly pregnant. Keep in mind I've done a lot of traveling & living in low resource countries; actually, where I'd be in India would be like going to Beverly Hills when compared to my living conditions in Niger, where I pumped my own water & had no flush toilet for a summer. Despite this, my mother still thinks I'm nuts. And if God forbid anything should happen, well, that's why you buy travel insurance!

So I don't know what to think. Do I want to go to India? If we can swing it schedule wise & financially, absolutely! If I'm pregnant, will I feel well enough to enjoy it? I have no idea. If I'm not pregnant, will I still enjoy it? Yes & maybe this time we'll actually get a souvenir out of the trip since we didn't when we went to Florida last month. If not, by the time we would be getting back we'll most certainly be seeing a specialist for help as it will be past the year mark by then. Indeed, time flies, but it seems to drag @ the same time.

"Where the hell have you been?"

While I doubt I have any cyber stalkers out there, I know of at least a dozen people in real life & on the interwebs that read this blog. So to get everyone caught up on where the hell I've been, I'll make it short & sweet.

The good:

• We've started looking at houses. We will hopefully be in a place by the time our lease runs out @ the end of August.
• We had a good time in Florida despite what you will read below.
  
• I'm back in school, taking 2 night courses in an international business program. The best part is it's free since Vid is a prof in a different dept. @ the university.
• I'm starting a new job next month. My commute will go from 31 miles each way to 4 miles each way. And that's not the only awesome thing about this new gig.
  
• My blood work is completely normal; no sign of PCOS or any other reproductive issues. Not too surprising given my clockwork 27-28 day cycles, though.
  

The bad:

• My aunt who we were supposed to be visiting in Florida had a brain aneurysm & died about a week before we went down there. We're still in shock; she was only 60 & in good health.
• Vid's sperm analysis results came back with his motility being low (49%; it should be at least 60%) & his morphology being borderline low. He will probably be sent for a 2nd test & at that point unless the results are vastly better we will be referred to a fertility specialist.

So basically, things are good except for the TTC thing. I should be ovulating in the next couple of days which means I will either get a positive pregnancy test for my 30th birthday or my period since "Ye Olde" will be due about that time (in 16 days). All I can say is I love my husband, my dog, my cat & my Zoloft prescription. :)

And I promise not to disappear for 2 months again!

I'm a godmother!

My BFF's wife gave birth to a son on Tuesday night. I'm a godmother! Since they live about 1 1/2 hours from them I haven't seen him in person yet but the hubby & I are planning on going to visit on Saturday. I'll be sure to post a photo or 2; hopefully we can give him a playmate in the near future. They're still trying to figure out when he is being christened since Lent is coming soon & one can't be baptized during that time in the Catholic church.

OMG Lent is in a few weeks! Which means that my 30th birthday (which is on Easter this year) is just around the corner. I'm actually not freaked about turning 30; I think it bothers my mom though. Her "baby" is turning 30! We share the same birthday, BTW; I was her 23rd birthday present. I'm still hoping I'll get a positive pregnancy test in time for my birthday.

"I need a hug."

"I need a hug."

My hubby says this to me at least a couple times a week; for a guy he is uber-snuggly, which can be either nice or annoying depending on my mood. When I got my period the other day, he needed one & I obliged since this now means we are past the 6 month mark of trying to make a baby. I think he was more disappointed to see Ye Olde arrive than I was.

*sigh*

I just don't get it. We've had perfect timing for the past 5 months using a combination of OPKs (ovulation prediction kits) & a CBEFM (Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor). Also, I have pretty much textbook 27 or 28 days cycles, complete with 13 or 14 day luteal phases. Translated into English, that means I'm normal.

*another sigh*

My parents & a few close friends know we are seeing a specialist next month. I wanted to smack my mother when she told me to "just relax"; my mom & I have a great relationship, but this was coming from a woman who had an oops (me) & only took 3 months to have a baby on purpose (my sister).

But onto happier things...

We are going to Florida! Vid has time off for spring break (he's college faculty) & with the winter we've been having 80 degrees sounds wonderful. It was only $300 for both of us to fly round trip; yay Southwest! And we'll be shacking up @ my aunt's house or her fiance's (she will stay with him & give us her place or he will stay with her & give us his place); very nice, especially since I will probably be ovulating around that time & we will need alone time unless we finally get pregnant this cycle.

Yep, that's what our lives have come to: having sex according to what the machine tells us. But I kind of like my mom's theory we may come back from Florida with a souvenir.

:)

I'm bored

But lack motivation. So I stole this from a friend's blog:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Went to Vegas. It was a blast!

2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do resolutions; it's like being set up to fail.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Many.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Several.

5. What countries did you visit?
Stayed in the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A baby (or at least, a baby bump!)

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
My weddings (both: 2/1 & 6/21).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Nothing. That's kind of sad, huh?

9. What was your biggest failure?
Still not finishing my thesis. I just don't care anymore.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Nothing serious.

11. What was the best thing someone bought you?
New living room & bed room furniture; DH & I got it for ourselves.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My maternal grandpa wasn't drunk @ our weddings thank the Lord!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and/or depressed?
Too many to list.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Paying off debts.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Trying to conceive.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
No idea.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier

b) fatter or skinnier? same

c) richer or poorer? Well we're both employed now but it doesn't seem like there's more money around!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Travel.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Yell @ my hubby when I had a bad day.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We spent it @ my parents' house with relatives.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
I fall in love with my husband all the time :)

22. How many one night stands?
I'm married, so none!

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Ghost Hunters

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

25. What was the best book you read?
Nothing really noteworthy.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery of the year?
Nada.

27. What did you want and get?
A honeymoon.

28. What did you want and not get?
Pregnant :(

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
Slumdog Millionaire.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 29. We buried my grandmother. It was not fun.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having a job I actually enjoyed & that also paid decent.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Machine washable.

33. What kept you sane?
My husband & my pets.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
No idea.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Illegal immigration. If you aren't here legally you shouldn't be here at all!

36. Who do you miss?
Lost of people.

37. What was the best thing you ate?
Dosa.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008?
Getting pregnant is generally only easy for those who have no business having children.

Frozen

The high temp around these parts has been in the single digits for the past 2 days; brrr! Granted we in New England should be used to the snow & the cold, but it doesn't mean it's enjoyable. My favorite season is autumn; I love the crisp (not cold) temps & the colors. The warmer weather of spring may only be 8 weeks away but it sue doesn't seem like it.

I remember back in high school we got 6 inches of snow on April Fool's Day; nobody believed the weatherman when it was forecast. At the time we were hosting an exchange student from the island of Guadeloupe in the Caribbean; she had never seen snow before & took an entire roll of film of the white stuff.

My husband also comes from a tropical locale (southern India) but had seen snow several times in northern India. Last winter when we were living with my parents since he was unemployed my dad taught him how to use the snowblower which he thought was the best thing since sliced bread. Men & their toys! But now that we're back on our own & have to manually shovel snow he's not so into winter anymore. I promised him when we buy a house of our own I will get him a snowblower for his birthday or something.

Speaking of which, Vid's birthday was earlier this week. Since we both had to work that day, we didn't do anything uber-special except go out to dinner. And then since we're old we went to sleep @ 9:30 that night. His actual present is I got us tickets to go see Celtic Woman in March. The hubby loves them; he has a couple of their CDs & watches them whenever they are on PBS. My late grandma introduced him to Celtic Woman; yep, an Indian guy loves Irish music!

Baby rabies

I had today off & am working on getting the apartment back into shape; it looks like a bomb went off in here! I ran a ton of errands this afternoon & generally got stuff done. I'm sad to say the one thing I've yet to do is hang stuff on the walls; we've been here for almost 6 months & it's pretty ridiculous actually.

Vid's birthday is on Pongal which happens next week; we're going up to temple this weekend for it. He'll be 29 & is slightly disturbed that he is entering the last year of his 20s. He's installed a program on his computer so he can voice chat with his parents back in India. They let us know they will be praying for a grandchild when they go to temple on Pongal; Vid will be praying for the same thing.

Speaking of babies, in a few weeks I have to go to a baby shower for an unwed, unstable relative. It also happens to be the day before our 1st wedding anniversary. I've thought about if I get a BFP or not by then & how I will handle the "So when are you having kids?" questions from all of my relatives. Our parents, sisters & a few very close friends know we are trying but not the extended family, none of whom read this blog that I am aware of. If I am pregnant, I won't be far enough along that I would be comfortable telling them anyways. If I'm not, well, I'm going to be honest: I will probably be bitter & perhaps a bit snarky since the mother-to-be in this particular case really doesn't have any business being pregnant. I hate this about myself, but I think of all the women I know who are stable financially, emotionally & relationship-wise who are having trouble having kids & yet she gets pregnant without even wanting to.

I didn't intend for this blog to become all about babies, but it seems to be heading down that road. You have been warned!

I don't do resolutions

I should be @ work but I'm not. Because I blew a tire & bent an axle on my way to work this morning. Effing pot holes! I shudder to think what this will cost me. And I know it happened because I deposited the money I got for Christmas yesterday that I planned on paying off a credit card with. I just can't win.

Anyways...

Happy 2009! And holy shit, I can't believe it's 2009! We went to the movies & grabbed a pizza on the way home New Year's Eve. The hubby & I were in bed watching the ball drop on TV & went to sleep soon after. It was way too cold to be anywhere else.

I know you're supposed to make resolutions this time of year but I won't; instead, I hope. In broad terms, I hope 2009 is better than 2008. Besides getting married, there wasn't much positive that happened last year. A lot of deaths, a few layoffs, medical issues. Specifically, I hope we both remain employed (yes, I'm still looking for something better). Also, I hope we can pay off enough debt & sock away enough money to buy a starter house. I hope there are no more surprise deaths or medical issues among family & friends. And finally, I hope we finally get pregnant & have a healthy baby.

2009. Where did the time go? We'll be married a year next month & I'll be turning the big three-oh in April. It doesn't seem that long ago I was having Big Bird @ my 3rd birthday party & I had met this weird Indian guy that was also very cute. ;)