Sunday, May 31, 2009

Houston, we have an appointment.

We see the RE/OB/GYN on June 11 @ 3 pm. Aunt Flo is due a few days before then so there's still time for a miracle; I'd gladly cancel if that were to happen. But, I am also a realist. Let the poking, prodding & violating of genitalia begin!

So, an RE/OB/GYN; you're probably thinking that's too many letters for just1 doctor. Well, that's an OB/GYN who is also an RE. 2 doctors in 1; very cool. And he's from Vid' hometown (well, city) in India originally; also the same ethnic group. It's a small world after all.

We're both excited & scared about all of this. Excited that we may finally be pregnant in mere months, scared that we may still end up without a baby that is a genetic product of Vid & I after all is said & done. IUI or IVF are not a guarantee; I have to keep reminding myself of that. There's a fine line between becoming a "Negative Nelly" & remaining realisitic in this whole process.

Please, God, let this be it.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Lather, rinse, repeat

In case you didn't know, I work in community mental health. Generally, I love my job, though it's certainly not what I went to school for nor is it what I want to do for the rest of my life. Still, there's never a dull moment & it's wonderful to be able to help make a difference in the quality of peoples' lives. I don't think I've ever blogged about it here before (mainly due to HIPAA) but I could write a novel (or 5) on the adventures I've had in my years doing this type of work. So why start now?

Because I was witness to another shining example of how getting pregnant easily has seemingly little to do with one's ability to care for a child. Let me elaborate:

Client, male in his early 20s, is schizophrenic. Nice kid, but nowhere near self sufficient. On SSI. On Medicare. Living in subsidized housing. Girlfriend is pretty much the same. Said couple comes in with a photo album. Oh how nice, family pictures! But what's that? An x-ray? Nope. A sonogram. She's pregnant. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or smack them. I did none of the aforementioned, by the way.

Now, I am in no way intimating that we should be sterilizing mentally ill folks & letting only the rich breed. However, I honestly ache for this couple & their unborn baby because I've seen this all before; it's what I term "lather, rinse, repeat", much like the directions on shampoo. Like father, like son & so on. Because statistically, they won't be able to take care of this child. And there's a distinct likelihood said child will have issues of his or her own. While I pray this isn't the case, experience tells me otherwise.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Another one bites the dust

Another cycle, that is. So we're on to cycle 11 now. Wow; almost that magic 12 cycle mark where we can be labeled "infertile" & move on to seeing a specialist. With Vid's sperm issues & my HSG referral coming up hopefully we'll be on our way to a BFP as soon as the end of this summer, if not the end of the year.

Don't get me wrong; I'd love for this to be "the month" but I'm kind of past that now & accepting the reality that having loving, tender, intimate relations with my husband will in all likelihood not result in creating a baby. It makes me sad that instead of just having a few glasses of wine & letting the moment take us, our kids will probably be the result of my husband dropping off a sample & me being placed in stirrups while a man or woman in a white coat sticks a catheter with the goods into my cervix. And don't even get me started on all the money we apparently needlessly spent on birth control before we were married...

Moving on...

This was my first Mother's Day where I was aware of my non-mother status. At this time last year, we were just about to venture into TTC & basically assumed it wouldn't be that big of a deal to get pregnant. I told myself, "As long as it happens by my 30th birthday don't sweat it", thinking at the time that would give me almost a year. Well, that has since come & gone; no BFP yet.

Mother's Day was pretty low key. My mom & I spent most of the day transplanting seedlings into her garden. Since Vid & I are apartment dwellers we have gone in with my mom & sister in creating a family veggie garden. My sister doesn't have kids BUT she did get engaged last week! No date has been set yet; they probably won't take the plunge for another year or 2. But I can't help wondering if she'll be pregnant before I am. How sad is that?

So, yeah, I dealt pretty well with Mother's Day. However, I will admit to avoiding going to Mass like the Plague because they always have a special blessing for mothers @ the end & I knew I would have lost it. I hate to think about what kind of mental shape I may be in if we're still in the same position this time next year. After all, nothing is guaranteed, even if we are both young & pretty healthy.

So I started taking inventory of what I've learned from this experience. Basically, it's a whole lot of bitter, with some gratitude mixed in.

The bitter:

  • I've learned that I am tired of charting, OPKs, etc.; I long for the day where I can wake up without sticking a thermometer in my mouth & not have to pee on something.
  • I am tired of going to baby showers for people who have no business having kids & pretending to be happy for them.
  • I am sick of people just telling me to "just relax" when we've been on 3 relaxing getaways around ovulation time in the past year which involved sexy time that have not made me pregnant.
  • I am sick of having timed sex with my husband when we both just want to sleep because we didn't want to miss an opportunity to maybe become parents.
  • I am sick of seeing the same apparently ovulatory chart, with a regular cycle length, complete with a healthy luteal phase, result in a BFN every.fucking.month.
  • I am sad for the several people who have passed on this year that we will never be able to introduce our children to them, especially 2 of our grandmothers. I grew up with all 4 of my grandparents as well as 6 of my 8 great grandparents; it was such an amazingly positive experience. I cherish those memories.
And the gratitude:

  • I am grateful that my family & friends, for the most part, have been incredibly caring & supportive of our journey thus far.
  • I am amazed at how much more in love with my husband this experience has made me & how much more it makes me want to create new life with him.
  • I am encouraged by women I have befriended on various websites going through the same thing; they are my sanity & a good many of them have great senses of humor as well as a wealth of knowledge which has been so helpful.
  • I am thankful that our medical insurance is better than a lot of what I've seen & heard from others dealing with IF which may mean we have more, better options.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Swine flu

It's May?!?!? Wow; time flies!

So this swine flu thing...

I am constantly amazed @ how people get themselves all in a dither about whatever the latest disease craze the media decides we need to panic over. Seriously, I saw people buying masks (the ones you wear when painting, etc.) @ Home Depot like they were Cabbage Patch Dolls & it was Christmas Eve 1982. Apparently they hadn't heard of this marvelous little thing called washing your freaking hands. I find it ironic we send people to the farthest points on the earth to teach folks basic hygiene in the Peace Corps, etc. yet most Americans have no grasp of Epidemiology 101. But I digress.

There are 3 probable (not confirmed) cases @ the university where Vid teaches & I take 2 classes. So school is closed indefinitely. And my husband is absolutely convinced that my seasonal allergies are really swine flu. Granted I did have the worst.sinus.infection.EVAR about 2 weeks ago but a little Cipro goes a long way (as I am allergic to Penicillin & its derivatives) & all is well now.