Saturday, March 31, 2012

When is enough really, truly enough?

When I first started this blog about 4 years ago, we were newly married & assumed we'd get pregnant like everyone else.  As the months passed & the pregnancy tests continued to be negative, this blog morphed into one dedicated to my experience with infertility.  Now after multiple failed treatment cycles & facing our 4th "trying-to-conceive-iversary" this summer, each time I post here is a constant reminder of how I'm still fighting the infertile fight.  And it sucks.

The vast majority of my infertile friends IRL & on the interwebs who read this have gone on  to have children.  Hell, some are on pregnancy #2 or #3 now.  And while I look to their stories of success for hope, I also realize that someone has to be on the crappy end of the odds.  Do I accept the short end of the stick & move on child-free?  Some days I want to honestly.  I want to be done.  I want this chapter of my life to end.  But trying to imagine a world in which I'm never called "mom"?  I can't fathom it, but with every passing cycle it crosses my mind several times.

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks; I'll be 33, which is so not old.  But it really feels like the clock is ticking now.  Why is this birthday different from the others I've had?  Perhaps failing IVF has done more damage to my psyche than I want to admit.

I also feel like seeing a therapist is no longer doing anything for me.  Don't get me wrong: I think having done therapy with an infertility specialist who herself has gone through it has been helpful.  I just feel it might be time to move on.  The sessions have become routine & it seems like we talk about a lot of stuff over & over again.  Perhaps this is the biggest indicator that I am getting close to being done: talking about infertility has become a job: I show up @ the same time every week & we talk about the same things.  And do I really need another reminder of what I don't have?


Her Royal Fabulousness said...

I have these thoughts all the time. This stuff gets really old.

Rebecca said...

I'm also one of those that thinks like this almost non-stop. Oh and "Why Me?".

ADSchill said...

Yeah...I have had all these thoughts. Do I really want to keep trying and failing? Do I want to succeed only to perhaps loose another baby? Should I try to focus on something else and get my life and finances back?

Sometimes I want to give up. I think we all will know when that time has come for us. When we no longer have any hope left and can't imagine taking another step back into the RE's office.

You will know when enough is enough...and maybe now isn't that time for you.

Melissa N. said...

I'm with you - we hit our 4yr mark in February. But there's something that keeps pushing me onward each month. Sometimes, enough is enough, but how can it truly be enough when what you're after is everything you want? How do you walk away from that? I can so relate, and I'm so sorry you're at this fork in the road. Sending support your way!

CrysHouse said...

I totally feel you. My husband I survived our seven year "anniversary" in February...and all we do is hope for this month.

Strange, isn't it?