Saturday, September 14, 2013

Not pregnant.

Over the course of 63 months (5 years, 3 mos)::
  • I have experienced approximately 70 menses based on my 27 day cycle
  • I have seen 4 REs @ separate 4 RE practices (all of the offices in my city)
  • I've only felt comfortable working with 2 of the 4 REs ( in other words, the other 2 were douches) & the one who I really connected with of course is not currently practicing
  • I have gone through 8 IUIs, all of which were negative
  • I have transferred 5 embryos over the course of 3 IVFs & 1 FET, all of which were negative
  • I have spent approximately $20,000 in co-pays for the privilege of getting my period which I am perfectly able to do on my own
  • I still do not have an answer as to why we cannot even get pregnant, let alone worry about staying pregnant
As I see it, right now we have 3 options:
  •  Go see Dr. Braverman in NYC.  This may or may not be covered by our insurance.  I've had several infertile interwebs friends work with him who speak highly of him.  But even the gods of reproductive immunology can't get everyone pregnant.
  • Look into adoption.  Vid is still wishy-washy on it.  I've already waited 5 years to become a mom & by the time we could afford it it may be another 5 years of saving to do so from India.  And who knows if we would even be deemed "fit to parent"?
  • Live CFNBC (child free not by choice).  Stop all treatments.  Don't look into adoption.  Pretty much live the way we do now, but just give up all hope.
Right now I'm still pretty raw.  I went out this morning to run a few errands & had to leave Dunkin Donuts without ordering because there was a newborn there.  I was supposed to go to an autumn craft fair with my mom & aunt today but again, I just can't, in case I end up surrounded by pregnant bellies.  I am already contemplating calling out sick from work on Monday.  I already hate my job but being infertile makes is excruciating.  I just don't feel like I can function in society right now.  I am broken.  I can honestly say I no longer believe in a higher power.  I wish this was all just a bad dream but it's not: it's my life.  I hate my life.   




9 comments:

Liz said...

I'm so, so sorry this cycle wasn't successful for you. I did 4 rounds of IVF and 3 FET's before going to see Dr. Braverman. We transferred embryos #18 and 19 with him and I got pregnant with twins. Not only are his protocols and meds used unique, but his lab is amazing as well. I sent a friend to him that also got pregnant with him after 5 unsuccessful IVF cycles. I can't recommend him highly enough.

ADSchill said...

I am so sorry. I wish I could do something...what about a surrogate or donor embryos? You have a couple of other options. I know that money is an issue many times. I live in a state that covers nothing and have no embryos left to try for another baby which means probably no more children. I think you just need to process this and make the decision when you have had a little time to grieve.

Sarra said...

No words can express how incredibly unfair this is. I know I don't comment much, but I read your blog and have been hoping to see good news. I'm so sorry. It simply doesn't make any sense. My heart goes out to you.

Kate said...

I am so so sorry hon. I know everyone was hoping that Nemo was the one. No one can tell you what is right for you as the next step, but I hope that you can come to an agreement on a path move forward soon. Limbo is the worst, esp. as you watch those around move on with their lives. I found comfort in going to the best clinic/RE I could physically get myself to, so make sure you look at all your options. I had looked into Braverman before my last cycle, and he is definitely doing things that aren't happening most places. As hard as it is, try to forget the IUIs, you have no idea what was going on there. You've had five transferred, which you'd think would be enough to have one to stick, but honestly that would be a really good hit rate. You, as my acupuncturist told me once, have just been chosen for a difficult and long road. It sucks, give yourself the time you need, and then rededicate yourself to your next path. I know you guys can do this. We are pulling for you. Lots of xo.

Rebecca said...

Oh wow! I am so very sorry that Nemo didn't stick. I realize that even donor eggs and donor embryos are also a crap shoot since I had a donor egg cycle fail this year too. I have heard good things about Dr. Kwak Kim from Chicago, maybe you could find a way to go see her?

Sandy said...

I was so sad to read this this morning. It is so unfair. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Melissa N. said...

Sometimes, life effing sucks. And this is one of those times. I'm so sorry you are so broken. We stopped to take our break at 5 IUIs and 1 miscarriage. Sometimes, taking a break for awhile will bring clarity. You may hate me for saying this because I'm sure you're tired of hearing it, but I still have hope for you. I still believe that you WILL be a mom. I will believe there is a baby out there waiting to be in your arms, waiting to make your family of two into a family of 3. Take your time to be angry, sad, confused, furious, etc but remember who you are, ovaries and uterus aside. You are a strong woman who has so much to offer, so much ahead of her to look forward to, even though you can't see it now. Walking away from TTC for the past year has been one of the best things we've done for our marriage. We aren't giving up but we're definitely taking a breather, time for us, and it's been so good. I wish peace and comfort for you. Sending virtual hugs and strength your way <3

Dipitie S said...

(((HUGS)))

Anasara said...

Neither of us are interested in donor anything. I'm "eh, thanks but no" while my husband is a "NO!". I've had friends have success with DE & DS but it's just not something I can ever see myself doing. And really, since we don't know what our issue is, it's not indicated.