Infertility conference recap

In all my years as an infertile I've never attended the Resolve of New England.  I've always wanted to but the cost made me pause.  Then, I found out you could attend for free if you volunteered.  So, I did.   I was a room monitor which basically meant I did a head count of the room, collected feedback forms @ the end, kept the speaker on time & trouble shot any issues that came up.  Using "strategery", I volunteered to monitor the sessions I wanted to attend for information purposes, so it was a win for RNE as well as myself. :)

I met the new doc @ my RE's office & she's super chill. Probably my age? From Greece originally. She's also on the board of RNE. I told her about starting up a peer group in Providence soon & she said she would be willing to let me use office space for it.  Did I mention that I am going to be a peer leader?  Yeah.  Because I don't have enough going on.  But seriously, I'm looking forward to it!

I met the dude who invented the sperm frag test Vid recently had done! He gave me a sperm pin, lol. I got a ton of cool swag (pens, sticky notes, lip balm, stress relief egg, a book on love & infertility).  Here's a pic to prove it really happened:

I also met a really nice Indian couple who were also unexplained & had gone through 5 (!) IVFs so far. I've already been e-mailing back & forth with the wife. She is also thinking about going to Braverman for immuno testing too.

Some stuff I learned:

• 2nd hand smoke is as detrimental to gamete quality as smoking yourself is. Yet another reason for me to be looking for another job since most of my patients are smokers (people with a mental health dx smoke @ a rate 3x that of the general population).
• PICSI does not increase fert but does decrease m/c risk.
• B6 levels are naturally higher in fertile women. My B vit levels are low normal as I'm a vegetarian. However, due to my having beta thalessemia my body does not manufacture iron well & I've probably avoided having to have blood transfusions in my life since I don't eat meat. A lot of oral B vits have iron additives which could be dangerous. Given this, might be time for vit injections according to the RE who did the talk.  What's another needle @ this point?
• High omega 3 levels are associated with increase in prostate cancer & increased morph issues (interesting since DH eats a ton of seafood).

BINGO!

A Letter to All the Pregnant Women in My Life

An interwebs infertile friend recently posted this; I nodded along through the entire thing.  I don't normally copy & paste others' work, but this was way too good (as well as appropriate for where I am mentally) not to share.  You may nod along as well if you're still in the trenches of infertility:

It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m not like your high school boyfriend who heard that phrase in a romantic comedy and repeated it to you just days before taking your best friend to prom. I really mean it. Everything is me. You are wonderful. You are careful with me. You are kind.

I sit, every minute of every day, with the knowledge that I may not be able to have a family, and that even if I am able to have a family through adoption, I may not ever be pregnant, carry a pregnancy to term, give birth, glow, hurt, heal. There are moments, brief and beautiful moments, when I am so in love with my life that I forget about infertility and I feel actual joy. Those moments never happen around you. I can’t forget around you. Back when I had hope, I could find excitement in your growing belly and happy plans. Now, I just don’t know how to.

Most of the time, I am walking around in one of two states of emotion–both distant from my pre-infertility emotional self, both distant from joy. One of those states is a disconnect. Disconnection from my emotions is how I live through this; it’s how I get through every day. I want to compare it to wearing a bandaid to protect a scab, but it’s not quite like that. It’s more like a helmet covering a thin layer of flesh over an otherwise raw and exposed bundle of nerves, delicate and tender and requiring care and protection. I can talk about what I’m feeling while I’m not actually feeling the emotions. It’s the closest I get to being able to share what I feel with others.

Then, when the helmet comes off, it is not pretty. That is the other emotional state I sometimes find myself in, filled with intensity uncommon in my adult life, feeling emotions that make me uncomfortable and unrecognizable to myself. Anger, jealousy, hurt, resentment, despair, loss. I prefer to experience those alone. Which is lonely.

I don’t know how to engage with you, my dear friend, the way I used to. With my helmet on so tightly, how can I connect with you during this most important time of your life? With my helmet on so tightly, I feel like everything I say is a lie. But, with my helmet off, there’s nothing about me you’ll want to be around and there’s nothing about me that is comfortable for me to show around you. It cannot come off.

So, I miss you. Each time a friend begins to “try” I withdraw a bit more. When they succeed I become a little more alone. Over three years of this, the losses have accumulated and I have steeled myself for them a little better each time, faking it with a bit more success. I don’t want your happiness to feel like a loss to me, but it is. At least for now.

I read constantly that it is impossible to get through this without losing girlfriends, but I really don’t want to give in to that. In my lowest moments I see how infertility might take away everything. In my better moments, I hold out hope that when I come through this I will still be loved and able to give love.

What is it like?

What is it like...

• to find out you're pregnant
• to see 2 lines
• to have the RE call you with good news for a change
• to watch your betas double
• to see a little blob on the screen with a beautiful flutter
• to feel nauseous & happy @ the same time
• to see a plain old OB/GYN
• to hear someone else's heart beat next to yours
• to be able to tell someone that it actually worked this cycle
• to be able to look at baby items with hope & happiness
• to be able to use the excuse you're eating for more than just you now
• to see your belly grow
• to feel their kicks from the inside
• to have others buy you a shower gift for a change
• to decorate their long empty nursery just as you imagined it
• to make a birth plan
• to experience labor & delivery
• to hear their 1st cry
• to hold them in your arms instead of just your heart
• to see your name on a birth certificate listed as "mother"

What is it like?

Back in the saddle

I had my WTF appt today.  It went well. Doc is as stumped as I am why I can't seem to get pregnant. Vid is going on FertilAid (speaking of which, recs of where to order it from?) to see if we can work on the slight morph & oxidation issues. Also, I made an appt to get a consult with Dr. Braverman in November, which was the soonest I could get in on a Saturday since it's a 3 hour drive (so long as the traffic gods smile upon us).  I told her about the Braverman consult & she was interested to see what he says. She has had people get further testing with him before & appreciates his outside the box thinking, especially with those of us who are unexplained. To her obviously the whole immunology thing is controversial but intriguing. I'm not sure how long it takes to get the testing done once we have our initial consult on 11/16 but I told her if possible I'd like to cycle over the holidays based on what Braverman recs & she was good with that too.  I can't believe I'm still on the crazy train.  What the hell is wrong with me?

My niece is here 11 weeks early

My sister went in for a regular OB appt yesterday (Monday) after work. The baby's heart beat was off kilter so her doc sent her to the hospital for further monitoring.  While there, the baby's heart beat got really scary so they decided to do an emergency c-section.  I found out when my mother called me to ask me to take pick up her dog to stay @ my house because she was on her way to the hospital to meet my sister.  It didn't register @ 1st in my mind.  Then, when I hung up the phone, I started sobbing uncontrollably.

She was 29 weeks as of Sunday.  The baby was born blue with kinks in her cord but they were able to stabilize her & sent her to a hospital with a NICU across town.  Maggie weighed in @ 2lbs even.  My sister was transported late last night to the same hospital.  As of tonight the baby is on 30% oxygen via CPAP but is otherwise stable.  I don't even want to think what could've happened if she had not had an appt yesterday.  Her pregnancy was completely normal until 3pm yesterday.  My nephew was born @ 38w6d weeks vaginally & unmedicated with no complications FWIW.  My sister is doing fine & will likely be home this weekend.  I want so badly to go give her a hug but there's no way I could handle being on a NICU floor which makes me feel like shit.

Not pregnant.

Over the course of 63 months (5 years, 3 mos)::

• I have experienced approximately 70 menses based on my 27 day cycle
• I have seen 4 REs @ separate 4 RE practices (all of the offices in my city)
• I've only felt comfortable working with 2 of the 4 REs ( in other words, the other 2 were douches) & the one who I really connected with of course is not currently practicing
• I have gone through 8 IUIs, all of which were negative
• I have transferred 5 embryos over the course of 3 IVFs & 1 FET, all of which were negative
• I have spent approximately $20,000 in co-pays for the privilege of getting my period which I am perfectly able to do on my own
• I still do not have an answer as to why we cannot even get pregnant, let alone worry about staying pregnant

As I see it, right now we have 3 options:

•  Go see Dr. Braverman in NYC.  This may or may not be covered by our insurance.  I've had several infertile interwebs friends work with him who speak highly of him.  But even the gods of reproductive immunology can't get everyone pregnant.
• Look into adoption.  Vid is still wishy-washy on it.  I've already waited 5 years to become a mom & by the time we could afford it it may be another 5 years of saving to do so from India.  And who knows if we would even be deemed "fit to parent"?
• Live CFNBC (child free not by choice).  Stop all treatments.  Don't look into adoption.  Pretty much live the way we do now, but just give up all hope.

Right now I'm still pretty raw.  I went out this morning to run a few errands & had to leave Dunkin Donuts without ordering because there was a newborn there.  I was supposed to go to an autumn craft fair with my mom & aunt today but again, I just can't, in case I end up surrounded by pregnant bellies.  I am already contemplating calling out sick from work on Monday.  I already hate my job but being infertile makes is excruciating.  I just don't feel like I can function in society right now.  I am broken.  I can honestly say I no longer believe in a higher power.  I wish this was all just a bad dream but it's not: it's my life.  I hate my life.