Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Another one bites the dust

Another cycle, that is. So we're on to cycle 11 now. Wow; almost that magic 12 cycle mark where we can be labeled "infertile" & move on to seeing a specialist. With Vid's sperm issues & my HSG referral coming up hopefully we'll be on our way to a BFP as soon as the end of this summer, if not the end of the year.

Don't get me wrong; I'd love for this to be "the month" but I'm kind of past that now & accepting the reality that having loving, tender, intimate relations with my husband will in all likelihood not result in creating a baby. It makes me sad that instead of just having a few glasses of wine & letting the moment take us, our kids will probably be the result of my husband dropping off a sample & me being placed in stirrups while a man or woman in a white coat sticks a catheter with the goods into my cervix. And don't even get me started on all the money we apparently needlessly spent on birth control before we were married...

Moving on...

This was my first Mother's Day where I was aware of my non-mother status. At this time last year, we were just about to venture into TTC & basically assumed it wouldn't be that big of a deal to get pregnant. I told myself, "As long as it happens by my 30th birthday don't sweat it", thinking at the time that would give me almost a year. Well, that has since come & gone; no BFP yet.

Mother's Day was pretty low key. My mom & I spent most of the day transplanting seedlings into her garden. Since Vid & I are apartment dwellers we have gone in with my mom & sister in creating a family veggie garden. My sister doesn't have kids BUT she did get engaged last week! No date has been set yet; they probably won't take the plunge for another year or 2. But I can't help wondering if she'll be pregnant before I am. How sad is that?

So, yeah, I dealt pretty well with Mother's Day. However, I will admit to avoiding going to Mass like the Plague because they always have a special blessing for mothers @ the end & I knew I would have lost it. I hate to think about what kind of mental shape I may be in if we're still in the same position this time next year. After all, nothing is guaranteed, even if we are both young & pretty healthy.

So I started taking inventory of what I've learned from this experience. Basically, it's a whole lot of bitter, with some gratitude mixed in.

The bitter:

  • I've learned that I am tired of charting, OPKs, etc.; I long for the day where I can wake up without sticking a thermometer in my mouth & not have to pee on something.
  • I am tired of going to baby showers for people who have no business having kids & pretending to be happy for them.
  • I am sick of people just telling me to "just relax" when we've been on 3 relaxing getaways around ovulation time in the past year which involved sexy time that have not made me pregnant.
  • I am sick of having timed sex with my husband when we both just want to sleep because we didn't want to miss an opportunity to maybe become parents.
  • I am sick of seeing the same apparently ovulatory chart, with a regular cycle length, complete with a healthy luteal phase, result in a BFN every.fucking.month.
  • I am sad for the several people who have passed on this year that we will never be able to introduce our children to them, especially 2 of our grandmothers. I grew up with all 4 of my grandparents as well as 6 of my 8 great grandparents; it was such an amazingly positive experience. I cherish those memories.
And the gratitude:

  • I am grateful that my family & friends, for the most part, have been incredibly caring & supportive of our journey thus far.
  • I am amazed at how much more in love with my husband this experience has made me & how much more it makes me want to create new life with him.
  • I am encouraged by women I have befriended on various websites going through the same thing; they are my sanity & a good many of them have great senses of humor as well as a wealth of knowledge which has been so helpful.
  • I am thankful that our medical insurance is better than a lot of what I've seen & heard from others dealing with IF which may mean we have more, better options.

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