Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I swear I am not Debby Downer!

This blog seems to be nothing but bad news lately, huh?

Grandpa passed away on Saturday night surrounded by 3 of his 4 remaining children (my uncle John passed away in 2006) & 9 of his 12 grandkids. The funeral is on Friday to give enough time for family who are coming in from far away. Like most in my family, he was cremated. We'll bury him next to my grandma, save for a spoonful which we will throw into the ocean; it's a bit of a family tradition.

This was the 2nd grandparent we've buried in a little over 6 months. My dad's mom is still alive & kicking; her mother lived to be 101 so I'm hoping she'll be around for quite some time. My dad & uncle Bob convinced her to switch shrinks when my gradnpa died. In this short of a period of time, her meds have been cut way back with some new ones added. Not only is she now pleasant to be around & doesn't exhibit histrionic or borderline traits, but she is now able to walk without a cane because she's actually steady on her feet. Whatever she was on before clearly made her gait dangerous.

I think what pisses me off about this grandpa's death is it was completely due to his lifestyle. Of course, who's to say how long he would've been around if he were not an alcoholic, but it bothers me. He had just turned 79 not quite 2 weeks ago; his father literally dropped dead @ 91. And I do mean literally: he got up out of his chair to take the dog for a walk & just dropped dead. My other 2 deceased grandparents died because of medical issues that were flukes: my mom's mom had a massive stroke with no warning & my dad's dad had brain cancer like Ted Kennedy did. Working in psych I know alcoholism is a disease but it doesn't make it easier to accept the reason for his death.

And during all of this, I had to deal with my 2 pregnant cousins who are due just days apart from each other talking about nothing but how much pregnancy sucks & showing photos of the decor for their baby rooms. And I tried, I mean I really tried to just smile & say nothing, but it didn't work. Of course one brought up the "just adopt & you'll get pregnant" advice to which I replied with the stat that only 2% of infertile women who adopt magically become pregnant on their own. Besides, we don't have $20,000 plus hanging around to pursue adoption right now. We're lucky enough to have 80% coverage for infertility treatment, but even with that we've still spent thousands in the past 2 years. Also, I am still working on getting my husband to see adoption is even an option. Although I'm all for it, he is very iffy given how taboo it is in India. Still, I'm working on it, because above all else, I want kids, be they biological or adopted.

The day after he died I was @ my parents' house helping make the arrangements when my mom said 1 of said pregnant cousins was wondering if I was mad @ her for being pregnant due to some things I said. I told her no but people should be aware by now of my struggles to conceive & be more aware of things they say around me; it's not like I've been secrative about my infertility. My mom then told me they felt uncomfortable around me, to which I countered I feel uncomfortable every day when I am surrounded by pregnant people being 31 & everyone I know either has kids, is pregnant, or just started trying & will probably get to have a child before me even though we've been going @ this for 2 years.

Infertility has made me socially awkward. I accept it. It's the reason I currently see a therapist. And in talking to my mother she also let me know it was affecting her too. Every time she gets together with friends there's always the question of if we were expecting yet; after all, we've been married for a while now. And like me she wants so bad to buy cute baby outfits. But she can't, because it's not happening like it's supposed to through good old fashioned intercourse. It's not even been able to happen with medical intervention thus far. But she said she doesn't want to talk about it a lot because she doesn't want me to feel like it's my fault she's not a grandmother yet. She knows how hard we've been trying & just how very much we want this.

I've never talked to my in laws about this & am beginning to wonder if I should. Vid says they haven't said anything to them but I can't help but wonder. With my mother in law's health issues I really feel like a failure we haven't been able to give her a grandchild yet. But I don't even know how to bring it up since they are half a world away. It's the kind of conversation you have over coffee when you have time to spare, you know? Not over a crappy phone line to India.

I just want a baby already!


cjdubs13 said...

Sorry to hear about your grandfather. Take care of yourself. I was just at my younger sister's baby shower, the first grandchild in our family so I can totally relate to how you are feeling.

Jill said...

I'm sorry for your loss. And I know those comments don't help. Thinking of you and your family.