Sunday, June 12, 2011

A serious talk

After this last BFN, I sat down with Vid & laid it all out: I'm getting towards the end of my rope. I told him as of the end of this year, I'm basically done with fertility treatments; that should give us enough room for 2 IVF attempts. After that if we have any frozen embies for FETs I'll try with them until they're gone, but that's that.

And surprisingly, Vid was understanding. He said he doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to; that he knew this whole process was really getting to me. He told me he was sorry I had to go through this, that he hates seeing me on an emotional roller coaster cycle after cycle. He wanted me to know he didn't blame me for not being able to have kids since neither of us knew when we started that conceiving would be an issue for us.

I told him I just wish that we were normal, that we could just get pregnant: no meds, no doctors; just us as a married couple, starting a family of our own. I wish that I didn't feel completely out of place among my friends with children who haven't got a clue what it's like to not know if you'll ever experience a child kick you from the inside. I wish I didn't have to block friends on Facebook just because I can't deal with seeing another growing belly that isn't mine. I wish that family gatherings were no longer events of dread about when another relative would announce they were expecting a bundle of joy & I would have to excuse myself to sob in the bathroom.

But all the wishing in the world won't make a child. For whatever reason, we've been given this challenge in our marriage. In the sickness of infertility & for the poorer it has made us financially, we made a vow to each other to face it together. Vid says he loves me no matter what & that we'll figure this all out, somehow. And he's right: I will be a mother & he will be a father someday, it's just taking a whole lot longer & cost us a whole lot more money than we ever planned.

And I love Vid no matter what too. One of the big reasons I married him was he's such a sweet guy: he is very gentle & caring. Even though he's not the best at expressing himself verbally (I often tell him he has diarrhea of the mouth as he goes on & on about nothing, sometimes completely forgetting what he was talking about) he has the patience of a saint & gives great hugs. He would be such a great dad, which is why this whole TTC process is killing me.

5 comments:

kthappy76 said...

It all just sucks hon, I'm so sorry about your BFN. I know that you will be parents and really great ones at that. I'm so excited for you to do IVF, is that normal? ;) Keep hanging in there...

Diana said...

Hey there. I'm so sorry for your BFN. Ugh it breaks my heart and ur right, inferility totally sucks! I just don't understand why couples are faced with this obstacle. What did we do to deserve this? bleeehhh.. But you know what.. this is sooo awesome that ur lovey understood you and is there with you. You never know, it could still happen! Keep your head up high and you'll see. Miracles happen each day! I had posted a quote from a famous lady (the fairy godmother from Cinderella..hehe) and she said "Even miracles take a little time." your time is coming!!

big hugs to you!

ADSchill said...

After experiencing IVF for the first time, I can see how this would not be something you could continue doing forever. The drugs, the time off work, the stress...it's all too much.

I am glad you decided on your boundaries and your husband knows how you feel and supports you. You need him in all this and it sounds like you have a great partner.

Good luck on your next quest to be a mommy. I'm sorry for your BFN.

Kerrik said...

I'm so sorry things are so crappy right now, and especially sorry for the BFN.
Of course this isn't a blame issue, and I'm so glad you guys talked about it and are on the same page. I think the worst part of infertility is actually the stress and pain it causes our relationships (with our lover, our family and our friends). The day my hubby and I finally found ourselves on the same page, was actually the same day we started the process that led to our BFP. I hope the same happens for you and your hubby.

Lots of love to you both.

Tiffany said...

I just want to give you a hug and let you know that I'm rooting and praying for you guys. Your strength is amazing.