After this last BFN, I sat down with Vid & laid it all out: I'm getting towards the end of my rope. I told him as of the end of this year, I'm basically done with fertility treatments; that should give us enough room for 2 IVF attempts. After that if we have any frozen embies for FETs I'll try with them until they're gone, but that's that.
And surprisingly, Vid was understanding. He said he doesn't want me to do anything I don't want to; that he knew this whole process was really getting to me. He told me he was sorry I had to go through this, that he hates seeing me on an emotional roller coaster cycle after cycle. He wanted me to know he didn't blame me for not being able to have kids since neither of us knew when we started that conceiving would be an issue for us.
I told him I just wish that we were normal, that we could just get pregnant: no meds, no doctors; just us as a married couple, starting a family of our own. I wish that I didn't feel completely out of place among my friends with children who haven't got a clue what it's like to not know if you'll ever experience a child kick you from the inside. I wish I didn't have to block friends on Facebook just because I can't deal with seeing another growing belly that isn't mine. I wish that family gatherings were no longer events of dread about when another relative would announce they were expecting a bundle of joy & I would have to excuse myself to sob in the bathroom.
But all the wishing in the world won't make a child. For whatever reason, we've been given this challenge in our marriage. In the sickness of infertility & for the poorer it has made us financially, we made a vow to each other to face it together. Vid says he loves me no matter what & that we'll figure this all out, somehow. And he's right: I will be a mother & he will be a father someday, it's just taking a whole lot longer & cost us a whole lot more money than we ever planned.
And I love Vid no matter what too. One of the big reasons I married him was he's such a sweet guy: he is very gentle & caring. Even though he's not the best at expressing himself verbally (I often tell him he has diarrhea of the mouth as he goes on & on about nothing, sometimes completely forgetting what he was talking about) he has the patience of a saint & gives great hugs. He would be such a great dad, which is why this whole TTC process is killing me.