Sunday, May 13, 2012

A day I may never get to celebrate

So, here we are.  Another Mother's Day.  Every show on tv is moms & their babies or kids.  Every post on Facebook has pictures of the gifts family & friends got from their children.  I had to explain to my husband we can't go out to our favorite weekend breakfast place today because it will likely be overcrowded & filled with small children & babies which means I won't be able to handle being there.  I'm debating seeing a matinee of "The Avengers" because I'm not sure if it'll be a "safe place" to be today or not.

My sister's baby shower was also yesterday.  I did not go.  She understands thankfully.  She knows she is not the reason I did not attend.  I didn't go because seeing all the baby items & the 6 children there under the age of 2 would set me off into a sobbing mess.  And I didn't want to end up being the focus of the day by being the "poor, barren sister" crying in the corner.

My sister has not let this pregnancy change her @ all.  If it wasn't for the huge belly you'd never know she was pregnant; she's still a nut & I love her for it.  Ever see "Miss Congeniality"?  My sister is the Sandra Bullock character in that movie: absolutely gorgeous but able to kill you with her bare hands if necessary.  This kid in her ute has no idea what a ride he's in for!

When I woke up this morning the 1st thing I did after I peed is took the dog outside to do the same.  I came back in, poured myself some cereal & coffee, then sat @ the laptop to post this.  Hubby got up & came into the room a few minutes later.  He gave me a hug & didn't say a word.  I cried.  I knew; neither of us needed to say anything to acknowledge the elephant in the room.  If our IVF had worked I'd be about 17 weeks along now.  If the chemical pregnancy I had almost 3 years had been carried to term I would have a 2 year old by now & hopefully be pregnant with another.  Instead, I have nothing.  And I don't know if I'll ever have anyone tell me "I love you mom".  Fucking depressing.  I don't know if I can handle another post like this next year.  Why does it have to be so hard?


Melissa N. said...

I understand your emotions today and can empathize completely. If a chemical pregnancy had "stuck" in June of 2009, we'd have a 2.5 yr old. If our pregnancy had gone full term as opposed to just 8 wks, I'd be 38 weeks pregnant today and due May 27th. This whole situation is beyond unfair. Sending lots of hugs.

Sometimes said...

I hear you. Last year, mother's day was terrible for me. I was in a horrible mood and was so sad all day. I couldn't help but think "I should be 6 months pregnant." I never expected to have the strength to go another year and begged for last year to be the final un-mother's day. This year, however, I just don't care. I think that's my motto nowadays. The shittiest thing about the day was going to the nursery, watching them give a mom a coupon, checking out a bit later, and not realizing until much later that they didn't give me one. Other than that, I decided I GET TO CELEBRATE TODAY. I am a mother figure to the creatures I share my home with. I am a mother figure to my husband and loved ones when they're ill. And, dammit if I'm not certain surviving infertility is harder than anything being a traditional mom can throw at me!

Hugs to you. I know you're hurting today. Know you're not alone in this and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

jak said...

you might not be a mom YET, but you are clearly witty, strong, creative, and a good person. that's more than lots of moms can claim!