Friday, June 22, 2012

Still a bridesmaid

You know that saying "always a bridesmaid & never a bride"?  Well, we infertiles have a similar one: "always an aunt, never a mother".

So, I’m an aunt. Well, I’ve been an aunt to friends’ & cousins’ kids for year now, but this time, I’m the proper definition of an aunt.  A real, honest-to-God aunt.  It’s wonderful, painful, depressing & exciting all @ once.

My nephew was born around 5am today. My sister was having spotting all day yesterday & had some on again, off again contractions which seemed to settle down as night fell. Then, around 2am, she was awoken with severe pain that would not go away. She said “I thought he was going to come out of my stomach Alien-style”. Yup, still had her sense of humor right up til the end!
They got to the hospital & they checked her: she was already 8 cm dilated. They broke her bag of water & he was out within 2 hours. 7lb 14oz & no drugs. So not only did she get pregnant without any effort, she also got the kind of delivery most women dream of: quick & natural.
My mom texted me the news so I saw it when my cell phone alarm went off @ 7am. I told Vid but he was still asleep & is the kind of guy who could sleep through a nuclear bomb so I don’t even know if he’s aware yet; he was still out like a light when I left the house to go to work.
I’m sure my nephew is beautiful, but I’m dreading holding him, which makes me a terrible person. I’m dreading it because like all things pregnancy & baby related, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it without becoming a sobbing mess. I am planning on waiting til they're home to meet him because I know I can’t handle walking into a maternity ward. Sad, huh?
I should be happy because my sister & my nephew made it through the pregnancy & delivery without any major complications. Having lived in West Africa, I’ve seen firsthand that this is not the norm for far too many. I really do adore my sister; I don’t want to imagine life without her stories & sense of humor.  She has already been quoted as saying she wants to marry the person who invented the undies with the icepack in the crotch that they give you after delivery.  Ha!
I should also be happy to have a new little buddy to play with & love. I am. But he’ll also serve as a constant reminder of what I don’t have. He is the 1st grandchild to my parents, an honor I was hoping to bestow upon them being the oldest & having been married for 3 years longer than my sister.

I feel sorry in a way for the kid too. He’ll have an infertile aunt who may never give him a cousin to play with. An infertile aunt who will give him awesome Christmas & birthday gifts but who may not be able to be there celebrating with him because it’s too sad. An infertile aunt who will always look @ him with his mom & think “why not me?”.

Thanks, infertility, for ruining pretty much everything.


Sometimes said...

This does NOT make you a terrible person. It makes you an infertile, honest about her feelings. I skipped Thanksgiving and Christmas with the family last year, remember, because I couldn't deal with seeing my SiL pregnant and happy. I haven't met my nephew (born Feb) or my newest niece (born April) yet and will meet them both in August. Am kind of dreading that. Be kind to yourself. I suspect holding him will melt your heart.

cjdubs13 said...

I had those same feelings when I first heard my little sister was pregnant after one month of going off the pill. It is very painful. It all changed when I met my nephew. I hope seeing him brings you happiness and not pain. Hugs.

Rebecca said...

We infertiles do understand. I'm an aunt and at this rate soon to be a great aunt before I even get a kid of my own.

Jacqueline said...

It is so hard. Your feelings are so normal too. I admire you for making plans to go meet him. I did not meet my niece until my little one was two weeks old. My niece was 9 months at the time. Hugs. It's so hard and not fair. Jackie2200

Anonymous said...

So I'm reading your blog and understanding EVERYTHING you're saying and feeling all those emotions. The weird thing is, I'm not infertile. I have 2 sons. A soon to be 6 year old and a 6 month old. But notice the age gap? For years I begged my husband for another child but for financial reasons he didn't want one. I cried every time one of my friends got pregnant or pregnant again. It was painful to see babies and pregnant women. I felt annoyed when pregnant women complained about their aching feet. You might be thinking "But you HAD a son." Yes I did. And I was so thankful for him. But when you want a child and can't have one (for whatever reason) it doesn't matter if you have one or ten children already. That ache to have a child is a special ache and when it is unfulfilled it is the most painful thing a woman can experience.

I wonder if you've ever tried Napro. It has a higher success rate than IVF and has helped some of my infertile friends conceive. Might be something to look into? Baby dust to you! I do hope you get your heart's desire.