You know that saying "always a bridesmaid & never a bride"? Well, we infertiles have a similar one: "always an aunt, never a mother".
So, I’m an aunt. Well, I’ve been an aunt to friends’ & cousins’ kids for year now, but this time, I’m the proper definition of an aunt. A real, honest-to-God aunt. It’s wonderful, painful, depressing & exciting all @ once.
My nephew was born around 5am today. My sister was having spotting all day yesterday & had some on again, off again contractions which seemed to settle down as night fell. Then, around 2am, she was awoken with severe pain that would not go away. She said “I thought he was going to come out of my stomach Alien-style”. Yup, still had her sense of humor right up til the end!
They got to the hospital & they checked her: she was already 8 cm dilated. They broke her bag of water & he was out within 2 hours. 7lb 14oz & no drugs. So not only did she get pregnant without any effort, she also got the kind of delivery most women dream of: quick & natural.
My mom texted me the news so I saw it when my cell phone alarm went off @ 7am. I told Vid but he was still asleep & is the kind of guy who could sleep through a nuclear bomb so I don’t even know if he’s aware yet; he was still out like a light when I left the house to go to work.
I’m sure my nephew is beautiful, but I’m dreading holding him, which makes me a terrible person. I’m dreading it because like all things pregnancy & baby related, I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it without becoming a sobbing mess. I am planning on waiting til they're home to meet him because I know I can’t handle walking into a maternity ward. Sad, huh?
I should be happy because my sister & my nephew made it through the pregnancy & delivery without any major complications. Having lived in West Africa, I’ve seen firsthand that this is not the norm for far too many. I really do adore my sister; I don’t want to imagine life without her stories & sense of humor. She has already been quoted as saying she wants to marry the person who invented the undies with the icepack in the crotch that they give you after delivery. Ha!
I should also be happy to have a new little buddy to play with & love. I am. But he’ll also serve as a constant reminder of what I don’t have. He is the 1st grandchild to my parents, an honor I was hoping to bestow upon them being the oldest & having been married for 3 years longer than my sister.
I feel sorry in a way for the kid too. He’ll have an infertile aunt who may never give him a cousin to play with. An infertile aunt who will give him awesome Christmas & birthday gifts but who may not be able to be there celebrating with him because it’s too sad. An infertile aunt who will always look @ him with his mom & think “why not me?”.
Thanks, infertility, for ruining pretty much everything.